by Alex Steelsmith
“Wandering seal leads police on slow-speed chase to law firm in England.”
—UPI
Slippery, flippery
innocent sea creatures
somehow, when followed by
cops, understand
where they should flee to for
jurisprudentially
getting advice on the
law of the land.
by Steven Kent
“Mike Pence Equates Voting Rights Protections With Capitol Attack”
—The Guardian
I nearly lost my life that day, but now I’m here to tell you:
Democracy has limits; we will set them.
Those patriots who tried to hang me? Hey, I think they’re swell; you
Should just forgive (although do not forget) them.
Some say we should protect the vote—it’s heresy! The reason?
Americans, by birth, are not all brothers.
Elections aren’t for everyone (we say so, but we’re teasin’).
“All men are equal”? Some more so than others!
by Julia Griffin
“[W]hat do you do with an invasive army of crayfish clones? … [They] may offer a sustainable food source…”
—The Guardian
But for those who keep kosher,
What’s gaucher?
The clones of a crayfish
Are treyf-ish.
by Nora Jay
“Chinese woman stuck in blind date’s house by sudden Covid lockdown …
‘I’m getting old now, my family introduced me to 10 matches,’ she said in a video on [the social network Weibo].
‘The fifth date wanted to show off his cooking skills and invited me over to his house for dinner. …
‘During quarantine, I feel that apart from him being reticent like a wooden mannequin,
everything else about him is pretty good. He cooks, cleans the house and works. Although his cooking isn’t very good,
he’s still willing to spend time in the kitchen, I think that’s great,” she told The Paper.
In Wang’s videos, her date is seen serving stir-fry meals such as tomato and scrambled eggs—a popular dish in China.”
—CNN
Her posts entranced the Weibo gang:
But, trust me, where she’s hosted
We’ll find Ms. Would-Be-Wifey Wang
Less toasted and more roasted.
Though socially, it seems, the dregs,
Her host, once marriage-minded,
Now snarls into his rosy eggs,
Updated and unblinded.
“For days I’ve filled and washed your plate:
You’re greedy and you’re mucky.
You say I’m silent; let me state
That you, therein, are lucky.
“I’ve better ways to spend my day
Than slaving in this kitchen.
Henceforth it’s yours to blanch, sauté,
Or be a Weibo snitch in.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Expect more worrisome variants after omicron… Get ready to learn more Greek letters.”
—AP
Epsilon, omicron,
worrisome variants
teach us Greek letters, re-
ports the AP.
Why are we using these
abecedarian
non-English labels? It’s
all Greek to me.
by Nicole Caruso Garcia
It wasn’t always a taboo,
But now is cause for shame.
And oh, you know the thing I mean,
And oh, it has a name.
Our kinks should be addressed—why not?
My husband didn’t mind,
Whether I was all alone
Or we were intertwined.
I’d like to praise it openly;
It’s healthy, not exotic.
In my defense, it didn’t use to
Be unpatriotic.
Invented by a clown of theirs,
It made right-wingers cheer.
(My friends are libs and libertines;
It’s their rebuke I fear.)
My money in the pockets of
That mustached wacko guy,
I cringe to think we nearly kissed
Democracy goodbye.
So rest assured, I feel some guilt
About this peccadillo.
I don’t know how I sleep at night
On Mike Lindell’s MyPillow®.
by Clyde Always
“Queen Elizabeth strips Prince Andrew of royal and military titles… after a Manhattan judge
allowed the sexual assault lawsuit against the disgraced royal to move forward.”
—New York Post
Because his former title proved
to be too great an onus,
hereafter shall the Duke of York
be called “His Sleazy Lowness.”
by Julia Griffin
“A badger gets credit for finding Roman coins in a cave in northern Spain”
—NPR
While badgers’ tastes are various,
They sniff at the denarius,
Though nobody can well prevent ’em
From hoarding aurum et argentum.
For larger coins, they’re really cadgers:
Indeed, you’ll seldom witness badgers
As jubilantly dirty as
When snouting a sestertius.
by Kevin Ahern
The company admits
It pulled a boner
After hearing from a freezing
Goldfish owner.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Hedgehog balloons up to massive size after developing rare condition:
‘Balloon Syndrome’ caused a small hedgehog to swell up with gas,
which required a vet to ‘pop’ it”
—Fox News
Poor Bubbles panicked: up he blew,
A hedgehog-Zeppelin, until
A human ally powered through
With something like a human quill.
Yes, there’s a moral (everything
Allows a sage to moralize):
We sometimes need a friend to bring
Us back to earth and normal size.
by Paul Lander
Davidson says “no.”
Will not host Oscars, too focused
On the Golden Globes.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Norway tells conscripts to return underwear after service.”
—AP News
Shivery skivvery
dutiful servicemen,
ordered to leave with their
crotches fig-leafed,
can’t keep their underwear
post-militarily;
every last one has been
fully de-briefed.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Vegan mum claims she can boost her immune system to beat coronavirus by drinking sperm
smoothies . . . The part-time blogger consumes the fluid daily directly from her boyfriend
of two years, as part of a smoothie, or freezes it in an ice tray to use another day.”
—The U.S. Sun
Let me commend your two-year friend,
A lad of grand profusion,
Who’s got the stuff, more than enough,
When he achieves conclusion.
Were I your guy, you’d have to try
For health some other way:
Put to the test, I’d be hard-pressed
To fill your ice cube tray.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
Australia was open to the champ
Until it wasn’t. “Rules are rules,” he’d learn.
Served no exemption for a visa stamp
To enter, he hit back a sharp return,
Restoring deuce not on, but in, the court:
A judge decreed that Djokovic must be
Let in at once—despite no vax—for sport …
If only that were that! With this decree,
Advantage went to government, who would
Negate the ruling, after quite a lot
Of dallying: The champ no longer could
Parade the only shots his arms had got—
Emphatic aces, backhands, volley jobs,
Net-clearing drop shots, overheads, and lobs!
by Shaun Jex
Christopher Key
Said, “Everyone, listen to me!
The secret to Corona curin’
Is drinkin’ up cups of fresh urine.”