by Nora Jay

“Ritz leaves internet ‘speechless’ after explaining reason behind cracker shape”
—Fox News

The toothsome crackers known as Ritz
Are shaped for slicing cheese to bits,
Or so the Web has just divulged.
The eyes of countless foodies bulged
With shock and serious distress:
A trait ascribed to prettiness
Was really a serrated tease
Designed for brutalizing cheese!
Though some might groan and others screech,
The Internet was robbed of speech,
Which, little though this tale befits,
Should win some amnesty for Ritz.

by David Southward

“I’m sorry, we’re out of the crab,”
our waiter is quick to explain.
With fishermen stranded by Covid,
crustaceans are hard to obtain—

and restaurants chafe at the pinch
of an irony taken too far:
now that their dishes aren’t crabby,
the diners who order them are!

by Julia Griffin

“‘Neptune’ appears in the waves during storm in Newhaven”
—BBC News

Neptune himself appearing in the storm?
Few ever hoped for it—the god ascending,
Divine locks pluming out, a spectral swarm,
His whole head thrusting upwards, daylight bending
Around the wild white undulating form,
Through grief, some say, at never comprehending
A god’s gift, always soaring, always ending.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Prince Charles says cheap food and industrial farming are ruining the planet”
—The Washington Post

Your future king is on the radio,
Objecting to cheap monoculture fare:
Unless you eat organic food, there’s no
Redemption for the planet we all share—
Forget that I own more of it than you! …
Unfettered large-scale farming industry
Tears down the web of rural life I knew,
Upsetting nature’s ways. The heart will be
Ripped out of Britain’s countryside if your
Eccentric-farmer types go out of biz,
Knee-deep in what makes agriculture pure …
I‘ve waited eons to succeed mum Liz—
Now I’m concerned that if Big Ag ordain,
Great Britain won’t be worth the wait to reign!

by Paul Lander

“Gillian Anderson says she’s had it with bras…”
—CNN

Gillian, go braless?
True, no bra ever again.
So, Triple X Files?

by Bruce Bennett

“Need an excuse to give your family a little extra
love? Well, mark your calendars and celebrate
National Gorgeous Grandma Day, National
Cousins Day, National Aunt and Uncle Day,
and National Parents’ Day over the next week!”
—from National Today, the internet’s #1
authority on holidays

Hey, Gorgeous Grandma, here’s your day.
Hey, Cousin, here’s yours too.
Just climb aboard! We’ll find a way
to name a day for you!

What’s that? You think it’s all a con?
You claim it’s just a ploy?
What kind of downer are you on?
Why turn your back on joy?

Why miss the chance to celebrate
what everyone can share?
You pick the time. You pick the date.
So what if no one’s there?

Go on. Express your spite, your doubt,
your anti-social dudgeon.
But know. We have your day picked out.
The Day of the Curmudgeon.

by Dan Campion

“Mamma Mia! Super Mario 64 Is The First Video Game To Sell For More Than $1 Million”
—NPR

A one point five-six million bid,
A record in the trade,
Has snagged a game with pristine lid
That never will be played,

Or if it is, whose value will
Plumb Mario’s domain:
Swirl round its droll collectible,
Then spiral down the drain.

By Alex Steelsmith

“Workers remove the monument of Confederate General Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville…”

Charlottesville monuments also include The Aviator statue commemorating a World War I hero,
the Dogwood Vietnam Memorial, and others.

Bronzily gonzily
Charlottesville monuments
needn’t all vanish, as
some may still be

scandal-impervious—
speaking, that is, of a
certain few only, not
generallee.

by Eddie Aderne

“Five years ago, Jeanne Pouchain was declared dead by a French court. …
Pouchain has spent more than three and a half years engaged in an existential battle to prove
to the French authorities … that she is very much alive.”
—The Guardian

The final judgement of the court
Declares Madame Pouchain is morte;
An unexceptionable lot
If it were true, but it is not.
For three long years she’s vainly tried
To demonstrate she has not died:
This claim cannot be reconciled
With forms and papers signed and filed.
Like anybody not alive,
She cannot travel, work, or drive,
And people who do not exist
Are stricken from the pension list.
Thus Madame P., like Joseph K.
Throughout The Trial (or Le Procès),
Is dwelling in un vrai cauchemar,
With compensations few and far;
The case is irksome to the max.
Though death, it’s true, remits all tax,
And with no carte d’identité,
She lacks, besides, the means to pay,
Yet still the brave Madame Pouchain
Indominably fights her coin;
There’s really little to be said
For being animately dead.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Michael Andrew, an Olympic gold medal favorite, says he won’t be vaccinated for Tokyo”
—Yahoo News

“Sha’Carri Richardson will miss Tokyo Olympics in wake of suspension over marijuana test”
—Independent

The swimmer bound for Tokyo
Says, “No vaccine for me.”
The runner didn’t make the team
Because of THC.

While I would share Sha’Carri’s weed
With equanimity,
I think I’d rather not inhale
In Mike’s vicinity.

by Alex Steelsmith

According to a July 2 AP report, “A Massachusetts man has returned long overdue books
that were checked out in the 1920s and 1930s to the Somerville Public Library…
(He) will not be charged late fees as the library stopped charging the fees as of July 1.”

Higgledy-priggledy,
Somerville Library
stood to make thousands in
late fees, but wait—

thanks to their very own
library-mandated
edict, they found they were
one day too late.

by Ruth S. Baker

“The world’s tallest horse has died in Wisconsin”
“The world’s tallest sandcastle has been completed in Denmark”
“Italian farmers have grown the world’s largest cherry”
—Three headlines from the same week

The world’s biggest horse has gone flop—
As a marker for whom, or a swap,
Comes the world’s biggest fort
Of the sand-sculpting sort,
With the world’s biggest cherry on top.

by Julia Griffin

“The world’s tallest sandcastle has been completed in Denmark …
Standing 21.16 metres in height (69.4 feet), the castle is more than 3 metres taller than one built
in Germany in 2019, which previously held the title, according to Guinness World Records. …
Its Dutch creator […] [wanted] to represent the power the coronavirus has had over the world
since the beginning of the pandemic. On top of the sandcastle is a model of the virus wearing
a crown.”
—The Guardian

A
Crown
Of brown:
Feel desirous?
Look!  It’s virus!
What a dismal notion:
To raise, beside the ocean,
About five thousand tons of silica
And shape them like a death basilica.
Is this the avenue to Guinness Record glory –
Eight hundred inches (+) of beach memento mori?
For all its soaring arches, this is anything but more-ish:
The site is Danish, and the mood quite Castle Elsinore-ish.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Elsa, the first hurricane of the 2021 Atlantic storm season, was downgraded to a tropical storm
Saturday… impacts [were] expected to begin Monday in the Florida Keys and the southern
Florida Peninsula.”
—USA Today

Topical tropical
Elsa the Hurricane
kept South Floridians
on the qui vive,

begging the forces of
meteorology,
“Grant us a downgrade, or
elsa reprieve!”

by Bruce Bennett

Joey Chestnut wins the Crown.
Wolfs those hot dogs. Keeps them down.
Good for him! Long may he scarf!
I can’t watch though. I would barf.

Soaks the buns, which makes them slide.
How can there be room inside?
What will happen when they pass?
OMG! The groans. The gas.

Spare me thoughts of what’s in store
Once that crowd has ceased to roar.
Once there’s quiet, and his gut
Screams, Hey Joey, What is what?

I’ve been faithful. I’ve been true.
What, Man, have I done to you?

What if, with one giant cramp,
Joey’s gut does in the Champ?