by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
Crepe myrtles thrive in Montecito’s clime,
Except when weekly rainfall is too low,
Requiring irrigation. That’s the time
Embracing sacred duties Chumash know
Means not to tap a water source close by—
Or face some matriarchal Chumash ire! …
“Not fair!” complained Prince Harry, with a sigh,
“I left old England with my heart’s desire
And bought a royal mansion so we could
Leave formal duty far behind. But now,
Diverting holy water to our ‘hood
Upsets the Chumash leader … Let’s see how
To pacify her, to avoid a fray …
Your duty, Meg—I’m off to the UK!”
by Alex Steelsmith
“…the banks are now among the biggest profit-generating machines in corporate America…
led by gains at Wells Fargo… and Bank of America… It might be a Goldilocksian time for the banks.”
—KYMA.com
“A bearish investor, also known as a bear, is one who believes prices will go down…
(A bear market) leaves investors feeling pessimistic about the future…”
—Smartasset.com
Stashity cashity,
Bank of America
likes the bull market, an
expert declares.
Irony: only in
un-Goldilocksian
times is it apt to be
dealing with bears.
by Pat D’Amico
No time should we waste
Accounting for taste
In the paintings some critics acclaim.
Let’s agree from the start
That to someone it’s art
The minute it’s put in a frame.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Will Jeff Bezos be an astronaut when he travels into space…?
It’s complicated, because experts say there’s still a debate about where space begins.”
—Insider
“More than 70,000 people have signed petitions to stop Jeff Bezos from returning to Earth
after his trip to space…”
—Insider
Quibbledy squabbledy,
Bezos the billionaire
isn’t an astronaut?
Surely he’ll earn
incontrovertible
rights to the term if he
goes into orbit and
doesn’t return.
by Coleman Glenn
“Police stop ‘exorcism’ in Home Depot lumber aisle”
—New York Post
They’re attempting to exorcise pine
down in lumber (aisle 79).
They shouldn’t be here; it’s
well known that wood spirits
are found in aisle 10: turpentine.
by Julia Griffin
“Lab analysis of Subway tuna sandwiches fails to identify tuna DNA”
—The Guardian
Expecting tuna DNA,
The lab found content quite bizarre;
We’re learning, from the exposé,
That Subway subs are way subpar.
What was the matter, did they say?
Sea serpent, sponge, or COVID mask?
Just write down Subway DNA
Judiciously as Do Not Ask.
by Bruce Bennett
“Ronny Jackson said Trump aced a cognitive test. Now he’s demanding Biden take one,
citing ‘mental impairment.’”
—The Washington Post
Trump passed the test with colors flyin’.
He guessed the rhino and the lion.
Now Biden also has to pass
To prove the elephant an ass.
by Jerome Betts
“Downing Street under Boris Johnson is ‘a branch of the entertainment industry’
and nothing will get done in terms of serious policy focus until he leaves,
Dominic Cummings has said in his latest blast at his former boss.”
—The Guardian
Roll up for the Westminster Follies,
The Crazy Gang half off their trolleys!
Hopeless Hancock and Gove perform tricks
That involve a whole load of dropped bricks
While the yellow-wigged juggler’s balls
Are rolling all over the stalls
And an off-stage rejected Svengali
Entertains doing snarky and snarly!
It’s a great UK-breaking up show!
Come and see just how far they can go!
by Chris O’Carroll
“Rudy Giuliani has been suspended from practicing law in the state of New York…
for making ‘false and misleading statements’ about the election loss of his client,
former President Donald Trump.“
—Huffington Post
When you work for Trump, you lie—
That’s a job credential.
One that, sadly, by and by,
Might prove consequential.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“With half a crown, there’s nothing you can do,”
Intoned my dad when uncles gave me cash,
“Though if you save them till you have a few,
Half-crowns can grow to build a tidy stash—
However, they will never bring a thing,
Alone!” … But did my father lie to me?
Last week I learned what one half-crown does bring:
Fir-loving Bharat Mistry’s neighbors Lee—
Aggrieved by noisy songbirds dropping poo,
Completely blanketing the car on site—
Reshaped his tree by slicing it in two,
Obliterating growth along the right! …
With half a crown, they won’t be tourist-free—
Now half of Sheffield flocks to see this tree!
by Alex Steelsmith
“[Putin] really made this about whataboutism, right?… He quoted a ridiculous comparison…
the proof in the pudding will be in the eating.”
—ABC
“[W]hile deploying a familiar tactic of whataboutism, [he responded] to questions about Russia
by pointing out flaws within the systems of the U.S.”
—NBC
Whatabout, whatabout,
President Vladimir
tries to look good, but his
logic goes south;
hungry for dominance
geopolitically,
Putin is puttin’ his
footin his mouth.
by Dan Campion
“Cows escape from Los Angeles-area slaughterhouse, lead police on chase”
—Fox News
Who wouldn’t hoof it through the gate,
Lead cops a merry chase,
If they were destined for a plate
With fries? I rest my case.
by Julia Griffin
“Woman finds hungry elephant rummaging for late-night snack …
He chewed on a plastic bag as [Ms] Ratchadawan, unsure what to do,
filmed the episode on her phone.
It’s not the first time Boonchuay [the elephant], who lives in Thailand’s
Kaeng Krachan national park, has visited Chalermkiatpattana village.”
—The Guardian
This week one Ms. Ratchadawan
Heard someone crash and thump a pan:
Who was the kitchen hooligan?
She looked around and nearly ran:
It was a hungry elephant,
Consistently itinerant:
His trunk was wildly oscillant;
His self-control extremely scant.
Chorus
Tarara Boonchuay!
Tarara Boonchuay!
Tarara Boonchuay!
Tarara Boonchuay! [twice]
Although Ms. R. was all alone
And he, her guest, was quite full-grown,
She did not scream or shout or moan,
But clutched her trusty mobile phone,
And took some photographs of him,
Devouring plastic bags with vim:
She knew, although his teeth looked grim,
He’d never tear her limb from limb.
Chorus
Tarara Boonchuay! [etc.]
Whatever afterwards befell,
No journalist presumes to tell:
The kitchen mess was surely hell
Before the elephant’s farewell;
No doubt it cost his hostess dear
To mend her maimed domestic sphere,
But one thing anyway is clear:
Her cyber-photo souvenir.
Chorus
Tarara Boonchuay! [etc. etc. ad nauseam]
by Bruce Bennett
Their skeletons provided clues:
the Upper Class wore pointy shoes
That gave them bunions more than joy.
The clergy too. The hoi polloi
Were happier. Flat shoes instead
were testified to by their dead.
The lesson’s clear. Though fashion’s nice,
embrace it, and you’ll pay a price,
And centuries later, folks will gawk
at silly ways you chose to walk,
And also know you took a tumble,
and all to prove you were not humble!
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
The summit held by Vladimir and Joe,
Where Biden said that two great powers met,
Officially succeeded—though we know,
Geneva has accomplished nothing yet!
Reporters were all told: To reach the goal
Envisioned by our president takes time,
As we lack moves within one man’s control
To turn back his opponent on a dime …
Perhaps it makes Joe envy the extent
Of soccer power: One star snubbed some Coke,
Which dropped Coke’s share price almost two percent,
Effecting his objective at a stroke! …
Ronaldo can achieve goals tout de suite,
Since he has two great powers—both his feet!
*Since “Two Great Powers” first appeared, Ronaldo’s effect on Coke’s
share price has been disputed. (Still a funny poem, though!)—Editors
