by Julia Griffin

“Mystery Woman Wrapped in a Sheet on Remote Island Called for Help in Perfect English”
—The Daily Beast

“Croatian police on Wednesday named the woman as Daniela or Dana Adamcova, 57”
—The Guardian

Until we know, she’s anyone:
An English priestess of the sun;
A votarist of quarantine;
A truant from a submarine;
A sacrifice, discreetly done;

A damsel, passive as a bun;
A siren that a man should shun;
A sheeted nymph of seventeen,
Until we know.

She’s on the rise, she’s on the run,
Part-lorelei, part-real, part-un-,
Part-something not at all foreseen;
She’s Everygirl, our rock-bound queen:
A lady with no limits—none!
Until we know.

by Clyde Always

“San Francisco’s mayor blasted for dancing maskless at a crowded club.
She called her critics the ‘fun police.’”
—The Washington Post

Six weeks ago, Miss Breed decreed
that those in indoor spaces
must show their papers at the door
and muzzle-up their faces.

But after letting droplets fly
at Tony! Toni! Toné!
it seems the mayor’s well aware
her ruling was boloney.

by Shaun Jex

“A massive volcanic eruption over the weekend on La Palma that has forced the evacuation of
thousands of people hasn’t dissuaded Spain’s tourism minister from promoting travel to the island.”
—NPR

Reyes Maroto
Said, “Come take a volcano photo.
Yes, I feel for each evacuee
But this lava is something to see!”

by Alex Steelsmith

“Ripples from Texas abortion law spread…”
—NBC

Rippledy drippledy,
Texas abortion law
surges like floodwater
none can evade,

leaving one option for
those who consider it
unconstitutional:
row versus wade.

by Bruce Bennett

• Reese’s Cups Jump Skittles as New #1 Overall
• Sour Patch and Hot Tamales Closing in on M&M’s
• Candy Corn Drops in Popularity
—CandyStore.com

Poor Candy! She was always prone
to being ditched and left alone,
and M&M’s may soon lose face
if they do not increase their pace,

But what’s the greatest shock: the fall
of Skittles! See. The overall
new Champ—forget the runner-ups—
is—Fanfare! Encore!—Reese’s Cups!

by Ruth S. Baker

“Disney gives Jessica Rabbit a politically correct makeover, angering some fans”
—Yahoo!

(To the tune of “Why Don’t You Do Right“)

You had plenty moxie, 1988;
You vamped little Eddie till he saved your mate:

You used to dress right,
Like a real hot date.
Get back in here, your fans cannot relate.

You rock that trenchcoat, I concede you do,
But, bunny, we hoped to see some more of you:

We thought you’d dress right,
Like a real hot date.
Get back in here, just let that Falcon wait.

We know there’s more to you than sex appeal,
But, doll, no gumshoe has a six-inch heel:

Let’s see you dress right,
Like a real hot date.
Get back in here, that pink couture looked great.

Why don’t you dress right,
Like a real hot date?

by Nora Jay

“No more white saviours, thanks”
—The Observer

I’m dreaming of a White Saviour,
Just like the ones I used to know:
Centre-leftwards-leaning,
And so well-meaning,
However uninformed and slow;

I’m dreaming of a White Saviour,
With kindly tongue and open purse;
Though their streets stayed quite undiverse,
Let’s remember, most of us were worse.

by Jerome Betts

“Old Irish goats return to County Dublin
to protect hills from wildfires”
—The Guardian

Three cheers for the goats all are praising
Who are great at preventative grazing.
An omnivorous flock
Chewing gorse, nettle, dock,
They save overgrown hillsides from blazing.

by Paul Lander

Bruuuuuuuce, seventy-two
Now Born to Run to Go Pee
at 3 damn a.m.

by Alex Steelsmith

“The John F. Kennedy Museum on Cape Cod is showcasing a rocking chair…
favored by the late president.”
—AP News

Rockabye, rockabye,
Kennedy’s rocking chair
went on exhibit and
visitors flocked.

Even incredulous
neoconservatives
had to acknowledge that
Kennedy rocked.

by Julia Griffin

“An Alleged Lock of Emily Dickinson’s Hair is Selling for $450,000… But Was it Stolen?”
—LitHub

I heard the Press buzz – when I died –
A Cutting – from the Locks
That I had grown – was now for sale –
For half a million – Bucks –

And all the Scholars – lost their minds –
Insurers too – because –
The Lock was stolen – so they said –
And possibly – it was –

by Jerome Betts

“Aukus pact backlash grows”
—The Guardian

The acronyms which strike the ear,
Euphonious or raucous,
Have truly plumbed new depths this year
With—Heaven help us!—AUKUS.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

A scientist from Auckland is gung-ho
To potty-train young cows. This pioneer
Is not your rocket scientist, although
Nitrogenous exhaust fires his career! …
Kept locked in their latrine till they can go,
Lashed hard with H2O if they can’t wait,
Enticed by treacle treats to mind their flow,
Forbearing cows soon learn to micturate
On artificial grass in their Moo Loo—
Research shows human toddlers aren’t as quick
At learning where to pee! But pee’s not poo.
Can Holstein heifers learn the second trick? …
Our prof now dreams of future episodes—
When pastured cows use only field commodes!

by Dan Campion

“Woolly mammoths could walk the Earth again by 2027 if CRISPR startup succeeds”
—CNET

They’ve got investors panting
For mammoth cash returns
On hairy beasts set trampling
The permafrost. One yearns

For some sense of proportion:
Let’s save the monarchs now!
But what sells? Time distortion.
The next ginned-up cash cow.

by Jennifer Reeser

“‘That fella down under’: Joe Biden forgets Scott Morrison’s name during historic pact announcement”
—The Guardian

Thinking today how the English for “blunder”
Happens to rhyme with Australia’s “down under”—
Verily, scarily, how our Joe Biden
Forces the faux pas horizons to widen!