by Bruce Bennett
“Putting pen to paper at the world’s first-ever silent town crier competition, Britain’s loudest citizens
[were] judged not on the volume and clarity of their shouted cries, but on the content of their
written words.”
—Atlas Obscura
Town criers in silence
With never a shout?
That seems simply dotty.
What is that about?
Well, Jolly Old England
Has just found a way
To judge how well criers
Cry silence today.
Don’t take it from me, folks.
Just read the report.
They’ve gone to extremes
In this “extreme sport.”
The lesson is one
That may serve us all well.
Just say what you have to.
You don’t have to yell.
by Julia Griffin
“Magawa the rat, who was awarded a gold medal for his heroism, is retiring from his job detecting landmines
In a five-year career, the rodent sniffed out 71 landmines and dozens more unexploded items in Cambodia.
But his handler Malen says the seven-year-old African giant pouched rat is ‘slowing down’ as he
reaches old age and she wants to “respect his needs.” …
‘Magawa’s performance has been unbeaten, and I have been proud to work side-by-side with him,’
Malen said.”
—BBC News
All hail to MAGAWA, the star of the fields,
Who sniffs out the worst poor Cambodia yields:
The resolute rodent, found second to none,
Whose tally of landmines is seventy-one.
His regular colleague expresses her pride
At working five years with him, side against side;
But now he’s begun to slow down, she concedes,
And hence she’s concerned with respecting his needs.
So let us applaud as his medal’s conferred
(Each throat is constricted, each eye somewhat blurred):
He’s truly a hero, and evidence that
There is a good MAGA: two-thirds of a rat.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Researchers at Duke University are developing a Smart Toilet to help gastroenterologists diagnose chronic digestive issues… Data is collected with each flush.”
—WBTV
Hickory dickory
Duke University
claims its intelligent
toilet can test
multifactorial
gastrointestinal
ills, though the data seems
hard to digest.
by Julia Griffin
“Argentinian TV reports death of Shakespeare after Covid jab …
[A] newsreader on Canal 26, mixed up the Bard with William ‘Bill’ Shakespeare,
an 81-year-old Warwickshire man who became the second person in the world
to get the Pfizer vaccine.”
—The Guardian
Reflect, ye poets light or weighty,
Upon a year surpassed by none:
Bob Dylan’s reached the age of eighty,
And Shakespeare’s died, aged eighty-one.
by Nina Parmenter
An English drug dealer has been caught after posting a photo on social media of his hand
holding his favorite stilton cheese. Police were able to extract his fingerprints from the photograph.
If your business is handfuls of E’s,
jump on board social media, please,
for our case can be built on
a photo of stilton—
hey, hold up your fingers! Say cheese!
by Bethany Mootsey
“Simone Biles… became the first woman to compete a Yurchenko double pike, a vault so difficult
few men even attempt it. She is pushing the boundaries of her sport… . Yet, based on guidance
from the [International Gymnastics Federation], judges at the U.S. Classic gave her new vault a start
value—the measure of its difficulty—of just 6.6 points. Pretty much everyone agrees that woefully
undervalues the skill.”
—Opinion in USA Today
Simone, all alone in a league of her own,
The goat who can float like a boat in the bay
While the sheep stand and weep, for the water’s too deep,
Simone, rhinestones sewn, braves the waves, sets the tone.
Simone in the zone is a queen on a throne.
Why vote to demote Biley Goat’s deft display?
“We must keep all the sheep from attempting the leap,”
Herders drone in the tone of a dull chaperone.
by Nora Jay
John Cena, who plays a deadly assassin in The Fast and the Furious 9,
“apologised for calling Taiwan ‘a country’ in an interview he gave to a Taiwanese broadcaster early
this month, saying that it was not appropriate.
‘I made a mistake, I must say right now. It’s so so so so so so important, I love and respect Chinese
people,’ Cena said to his 600,000 fans on his Chinese Weibo account. ‘I’m very sorry for my mistakes.
Sorry. Sorry. I’m really sorry. You have to understand that I love and respect China and Chinese people.’”
—The Guardian
His abdomen rustles,
His pectorals shine;
With so many muscles,
There’s no room for spine.
by Alex Steelsmith
“A Waymo minivan also made an aggressive turn at a green light that we would have never taken.
Another failed to go the requested location, dropping us off about a four-minute walk away.”
—ABC News
Heltery-skeltery
self-driving vehicles
will, though their prototypes
keep us entranced,
rattle our faith in their
practicability
till the technology’s
way mo’ advanced.
by Dan Campion
“Who’s an astronaut as private spaceflight picks up speed?”
—AP
I asked my teacher, as a lad
(A ’50s sci-fi nerd),
How “astronaut” was spelled. My bad.
She said, “There’s no such word.”
Imagine! Well, I had to punt.
“A space cadet,” I guess
I wrote. Now scribes again must hunt,
Like me under duress,
For alternates to “astronaut,”
Which rose to honorific
That many claim should not be bought,
But earned by trials terrific
Mere ticket holders have not passed.
“Space tourists”? “Loads that pay”?
When first-stage engines start to blast,
Let’s say, “shipmates who pray.”
by Eddie Aderne
“English dictionary of ancient Greek ‘spares no blushes’ …
The verb χέζω (chezo), translated by Liddell and Scott as ‘ease oneself, do one’s need’,
is defined in the new dictionary as ‘to defecate’ and translated as ‘to shit’; …
βίνέω (bineo) is no longer ‘inire, coire, of illicit intercourse’, but ‘fuck’; λαικάζω (laikazo),
in the 19th-century dictionary translated as ‘to wench’, is now defined as ‘perform fellatio’
and translated as ‘suck cocks’. …[One of the editors, Professor James] Diggle said.
‘We use contemporary English.’”
—The Guardian
Professor James Diggle refuses to niggle:
The verb represented as chezo
He scorns to misread as mere “doing one’s need,”
Just because the Victorians said so.
For Diggle’s not wary but contemporary;
So leave those old tomes on the shelf,
Unless you still blench at words stronger than “wench,”
In which case, pray binei yourself.
“Missing man found dead inside dinosaur statue in Spain
[Police] believe the man died while attempting to retrieve his cellphone,
which had somehow dropped inside the Stegosaurus statue.”
—New York Post
by Ruth S. Baker
Our exit paths have changed, it’s clear: the mammoth in the alley;
The caveman’s club; the hero’s spear; the slaver’s leaky galley;
The Spanish flu; pan-global war; split atoms; air pollution;
But phoning in a dinosaur!—how’s that for evolution?
by Coleman Glenn
“Houston investigators said exotic animal traffickers are likely moving a suddenly famous tiger
around from person to person to conceal its exact location.”
—Newsweek
(with apologies to Blake)
Tiger, tiger, lately loosed on
Lawns and alleyways of Houston;
What lowlife’s menagerie
Now holds thee in captivity?
In what villain’s pen or shed
Dost thou lay thy fearful head?
Who so foolish as to cage
Thy crouching form of righteous rage?
What the prison, what the chain
Might this criminal restrain?
Is he soon to pace a cell
As cold as where thou now dost dwell?
Or will he attempt to flee?
Will he, while on the lam, face thee?
Will he find a soft, warm place
From whence his smile grows on thy face?
Tiger, tiger, lately loosed on
Lawns and alleyways of Houston;
What lowlife’s menagerie
Dare hold thee in captivity?
by Bruce Bennett
“Fungus full of psychedelic drugs could cause
Indiana Brood X cicadas’ butts to fall off”
—South Bend Tribune
Pity the poor cicadas,
Who don’t know which from what.
They hatch, they eat, they seek a mate,
But then they lose their butt.
It doesn’t help that they are stoned
And part of some great show.
It just seems cruel, a fate that I
Would never choose to know
If it were happening to me.
No, let me sing and die,
And should you see me lose my butt,
Please, do not tell me why!
by Dan Campion
“E.U. agrees to reopen to vaccinated visitors…”
—The New York Times
Hi, vaccinated visitor!
Meet Val and Vic and Viv!
Come visit Venice, Val d’Isère!
Your visa’s valid: Live!
Vaxed, vetted, voguing to the max,
Vamp V for Victory
Served vintage vino, gravlax snacks,
Vast vistas of the sea!
We’re taking reservations; view
The varied values now.
Willkommen! Sveiki! Bienvenue!
Oi! ¡Ven aquí! Viz: Ciao!
by Alex Steelsmith
“Little-known Rombauer sprung an 11-1 upset to win the Preakness…”
—AP News
Lickety-quickety
Little-known Rombauer
left his competitors
stunned and aghast.
Odds of his winning seemed
infinitesimal—
till he was freakishly,
Preakishly fast.
