by Eddie Aderne

“Trump ‘refusing to pay’ Rudy Giuliani’s legal fees after falling out
President said to be offended by personal lawyer’s demand for a reported $20,000 a day”
—The Guardian

The President swears he’ll refuse
These daily demands of Ru Giu’s:
“He wants 20K!
And for that I could pay
For three Hawleys, two Scotts, and a Cruz.”

by Claudia Gary

“Secret Service Barred From Jared And Ivanka’s Bathrooms Rented A Toilet For $3,000 A Month”
—HuffPost

Their mansion isn’t big enough
till Secret Service finds
a costly place to place its duff,
maintaining potty lines.

by J.P. Celia

(Written on the occasion of yet another superhero movie)

He steps onto a ledge,
Unsure if he should leap
And consummate his pledge
To savage every creep
And criminal that mars
The peaceful status quo,
Then tallies up his scars,
Exhales and looks below.

He’s come to doubt the worth
Of uppercutting villains
Who plan to flood the earth
Or burgle multi-millions.
Such exploits are cosmetic.
They only treat the surface,
Which he finds antithetic
To his exalted purpose.

He wonders, what is badness?
What really hinders life?
Can’t he apportion gladness,
Not just disarm the knife
Of every goddamn mugger?
Can’t he become a savior,
Not just a costumed slugger
Who squelches misbehavior?

He longs to fight the ailments
That wreck the heart and mind,
Which are the true derailments
That mangle humankind.
Yet who has ever ended
The evil leagues within,
Who can’t be apprehended
Or powed! across the chin?

Is his vocation… worthless?
Or relegated to
Dumb, pointless battles versus
Man-Wolf and Kangaroo?
He straddles a projection,
His leggings loosely on,
Impaired by this reflection,
Suspicious of his brawn.

by Hank Greenspan

“Pence reveals U.S. Space Force troops will be called ‘guardians'”
—CBS

Let’s stop this now before regrets:
it’s clearly time to cool our jets
and call our troops in space “cadets.”

by Alex Steelsmith

“The Pfizer / BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine now rolling out in the US is approved as Comirnaty (in Europe),
with the name expected to get a nod in the US… Comirnaty is pronounced phonetically
as koe mir’ na tee.”
—fiercepharma.com

“Since we know that (Pfizer’s vaccine) demonstrated more than 90% efficacy,
the p-value for the results is likely to be far less than 0.037 … With an efficacy level
this high, Pfizer’s candidate “sets a high competitive bar for its competitors.”
—The Motley Fool

Maxity vaxity
Pfizer’s Comirnaty
might, if its p-value
is what they claim,

give the community
super-immunity,
boosting the company’s
pfortune and pfame.

by David Southward

For lockdown blues, I don’t take drugs;
I picture rounds of thankful hugs
I’ll give my mom and dad and friends
when this goddamned pandemic ends.

I daydream cousins, uncles, aunts—
seizing the slightest circumstance
to try my virtual hugging art
on all who populate my heart.

Colleagues, book club, yoga class;
familiar faces that I pass
walking the dog; our mailman; clerks
who bag my groceries—even jerks

who’ve snubbed my real-life pleasantries
give in to a fictitious squeeze.
And on bleak days, when more self-care
is needed? Heck, I don’t stop there:

I hug all life forms within reach—
the students I don’t even teach;
cell phone vendors; dogs and cats;
Republicans and Democrats

and Independents. Without shame,
I hug the poor, the weak, the lame,
the rich and mighty—not content
until I’ve hugged the president!

by Alex Steelsmith

“2020: The Worst Year Ever”
—Time Magazine

Odious, hideous
annus horribilis,
get thee behind us, and
don’t come again;

thus we admonish you
apotropaically—
adding, perhaps, “what an
annus you’ve been!”

by Bruce McGuffin

Many a bear in its den in the woods
Has thought it would like to deliver the goods,
And said to itself how it’s grossly unfair
That the job goes to reindeer and never to bear.
But the more thoughtful bears say aloud to themselves
That it would be a challenge not eating the elves.

by Coleman Glenn

When dining al fresco
means dining in fresh snow
such dining’s not usually done.

But this year we’re braving
the blizzard and staving
off boredom and hunger in one.

We pray social distance
with vaccine assistance
will lend us eventual cheer.

So bring on the snow peas
and ice wine—but oh, please,
let’s move it back inside next year.

by Eddie Aderne

“Mar-a-Lago neighbors say Trump can’t live there after White House”
—The Guardian

My dear ex-neighbor, though we are ambiv-
Alent about still-worsening your year,
Remember, please, while packing: you may live
Anywhere in the world that isn’t here.
Long we’ve put up with journalists, police,
Attorneys general and all your crew;
Grant we may now enjoy that dreamed-of peace,
On hold until the exodus of you.
Sir, for four years you’ve rented out this club
And also lived in it: a POTUS perk,
You said. Well, here (excuse us) is the rub:
Stop being POTUS and that doesn’t work.
No pressure, but you’ll need a place to dwell
On Jan the 21st. Noel, Noel!

by Dan Campion

“U.S. Stocks Rise to Records on Stimulus Bets”
—The Wall Street Journal

Friends, step right up and place your bets
On fiscal stimulation!
With acts of Congress, largesse jets
Across a grateful nation;

Stocks “rise to records.” Think of that!
Don’t get stuck in a queue
For bread and milk and bacon fat—
Next Buffett could be you!

by David Hedges

At last, we learn, it’s come to pass
That mankind’s handiwork outweighs,
In terms of tons, the biomass—

Our stuff beats nature’s nowadays.
Should we salute this awesome feat
And heap mankind with fulsome praise,

Applaud with Instagram and tweet,
The slipshod inhumanity
Of our supremely smug conceit?

Mais oui! Ingrained inanity
Propels us through the looking glass
Toward unsurpassed insanity!

by Iris Herriot

“Sia: Shia LaBeouf Conned Me into Adulterous Relationship”
—The Los Angeles Times

Said Sia to Shia:
“I had no idea.
O how did you do it? It must be obeah!”
Said Shia to Sia:
“You knew about Mia;
It’s hardly a peripateia, my deah.”

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

An Epstein asks that I, Jill Biden, stop
Continued use of “Dr.” with my name,
As I can’t hand out pills or do an op—
Doc Kissinger is handicapped the same!
Epsteinian opinion has been filed:
Man wisely once said “Doc” should not be used
If you have not delivered someone’s child—
Concerning which, of fraud I stand accused! …
Dear Mr. Epstein, though you mis-compared
Our doctorates—yours doled out free, mine earned,
Can you not see your own words have you snared?
They verify my “Doc” should not be spurned,
Once with your wise man’s sayings reconciled—
Remember I delivered my own child!

by Nora Jay

“I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for continuing to participate
in the strange human beauty that is this art form.”
—Email from Timothy Green, editor of Rattle

How strange the human beauty
That writing poems is:
Not narwhalesque or newty,
But strangely human beauty;
Let’s voice in accents fluty
Our recognition, viz:
How strange the human beauty
That writing poems is!