by Bruce Bennett
Said Trump to Cohen: “Make that go.
Give ’em the cash, but let ’em know
there’ll be no blabbing! Make it clear
that we can make them disappear.”
Said Trump to Woodward: “Sure I knew
Covid’s more deadly than the flu.
But let that come as a surprise.
They won’t freak out, and stocks will rise.”
Said Trump to Putin…? None can say.
They both have made that go away
since both know how to make things go.
It’s likely we will never know.
by Jane Blanchard
“Dorothy Parker’s Ashes Are Returned to New York”
—The New York Times
Let’s drink to this Algonquin wit
Back in New York for good,
Thanks to the fans who’ve done for her
The very best they could.
More than five decades past her death
The Times again explains,
She failed to make her wishes known
Regarding her remains.
Six years her ashes stayed inside
The crematorium;
A lawyer’s cabinet then kept
Them twice that long plus some.
The same were brought to Baltimore
And set respectfully
On property belonging to
The NAACP.
Henceforth, she’ll rest with relatives,
Say those she never met:
It seems a place in Woodlawn is
As good as she can get.
by Chris O’Carroll
“We’re going to be appointing very pro-crime judges.”
—Donald Trump
Once I get bounced from the White House,
I hope not to do prison time,
So my judicial appointments
Will be, like me, very pro-crime.
by Phil Huffy
“Queen Elizabeth’s Sandringham Estate Opens for Drive-In Movies”
—Variety
Having no shortage of manors,
Her Majesty’s glad to invite
those living near Sandringham Castle
to drive in on Saturday night.
With grounds both capacious and verdant,
there’s plenty of room out in back
for folks to relax in their Rovers
with kids and a drink and a snack.
Some find this offer distasteful —
well-meant but quite frankly off base.
The Queen, of course, won’t be presiding,
and seldom sets foot in the place.
As to the price of admission,
the charges are said to be fair,
assuring the Crown’s compensated
and has few expenses to bear.
by Jerome Betts
“In response to a question in parliament about the legality
of changing the treaty, Mr Lewis, Northern Ireland
secretary, replied: Yes, this does break international law
in a specific and limited way.”
—The Financial Times
Citizens, go when the light isn’t green,
Write a big cheque when you haven’t a bean,
Promise prompt payment of tax to the state,
Knowing it’s certain to be very late,
Now it’s confirmed that such things are OK
In a specific and limited way.
by Dan Campion
“The U.S. Justice Department… moved to assume responsibility for defending
President Trump in a defamation lawsuit brought by a woman who says Trump
raped her [in a department-store dressing room] in the 1990s.”
—NPR
The President qua president denied
The charges lodged against the private man?
So says the DOJ, which has descried
Its duty to the man. Ingenious plan,
Some smile, while others’ tempers hit the fan.
Who knows how this new wrinkle will press out:
A fantasy, a saint, a harridan?
A dressing room, a cur, a pure Girl Scout?
Bill Barr apparently has shed all doubt
The President’s a sovereign emperor,
Thus once and always free to gad about.
A victim seeks redress for pain? Sod her!
The law was made to shield the head of state,
Says seneschal of Bergdorf Goodman–gate.
by Susan Jarvis Bryant
“Wear a mask while having sex, Canada’s top doctor suggests”
—Reuters
I see that knowing glow ignite your eyes;
Let’s pull on rubber gloves and sanitize.
Go don your mask and don’t ask for a kiss;
To lock our lips is wickedly remiss.
The heat of skin on skin could leave us sick;
We’d better make our hot encounter quick.
And if a teasing tongue is your intention,
I must point out that all the experts mention
Such friskiness will pose a hairy risk.
Before our lustfulness ensures you whisk
Me off my feet and straight upstairs to bed,
Perhaps we’ll get the Scrabble out instead.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
A Frenchman was about to eat his food.
He loathed to share his dinner with a fly,
And since one pesky fly had dared intrude,
Resolved at once this fly would have to die!
Dispensing electricity in sparks
That fizzled from a swatter he now held,
Our Frenchman chased the fly, but left no marks,
Since flies are so adroitly self-propelled …
What happened next brought kudos to the fly:
An undetected gas leak filled the room
To spark a blast that blew the roof sky-high.
For miles around the neighbors heard it boom …
Luck blessed the man. Just minor burns had he.
You know the rest: The fly escaped scot-free!
by Matt Schatz
Dear Students and Citizens alike
It’s a scientific fact
That Democracy and Covid spike
When people interact
But for the health of your fathers and mothers
We ask that you sequester
And that the Electoral College, like so many others
Be closed for at least this semester
by Oscar Kenshur
“And then they have cans of soup. Soup. And they throw the cans of soup….
That’s better than a brick because you can’t throw a brick; it’s too heavy.
But a can of soup, you can really put some power into that, right?”
—Express
Bombs, like swords, are positively feudal,
Next to the potent force of chicken noodle.
by Hank Greenspan
They say that we’ll avoid
the latest asteroid—
but not the many other things
by which we’ll be destroyed.
by Bruce Bennett
“Accidents happen every day, and the U.S. sees about 35,000 per year from lawn mowing alone.
This leads to an average of 90 deaths per year from lawn mower accidents… people are more likely
to die from this than they are from many common fears, such as shark attacks and spider bites.”
—SierraBooster.com
Who knew they are so dangerous?
We thought they were our friends,
the pushing and the riding types.
Well, that’s how friendship ends.
You trust them and you go along,
no worry in your head.
Then suddenly, your ass is grass.
They mow you, and you’re dead!
by Paul Lander
It is so hot that
my iPhone now qualifies
as a Baked Apple.
by James Hamby
“Trump: Americans Who Died in War Are ‘Losers’ and ‘Suckers’”
—The Atlantic
(with apologies to John McCrae)
In French graveyards the losers lie,
Those suckers staring at the sky.
Who says Marines are oh-so-brave
When their own lives they couldn’t save?
I like the guys who didn’t die!
The dead are schmucks. A hundred years
Have passed since they were buried here.
I’m worried about my well-coiffed hair;
It’s raining there.
Who were the bad guys anyway?
Who cares about this war today?
Let’s eat a burger, play a round,
Not visit losers in the ground.
Forever suckers there they lay,
In French graveyards.
by Chris O’Carroll
To my supporters, my advice
Is everybody should vote twice.
Embrace election fraud to beat
Those leftists. They’re the thugs who cheat.