by Coleman Glenn
When dining al fresco
means dining in fresh snow
such dining’s not usually done.
But this year we’re braving
the blizzard and staving
off boredom and hunger in one.
We pray social distance
with vaccine assistance
will lend us eventual cheer.
So bring on the snow peas
and ice wine—but oh, please,
let’s move it back inside next year.
by Eddie Aderne
“Mar-a-Lago neighbors say Trump can’t live there after White House”
—The Guardian
My dear ex-neighbor, though we are ambiv-
Alent about still-worsening your year,
Remember, please, while packing: you may live
Anywhere in the world that isn’t here.
Long we’ve put up with journalists, police,
Attorneys general and all your crew;
Grant we may now enjoy that dreamed-of peace,
On hold until the exodus of you.
Sir, for four years you’ve rented out this club
And also lived in it: a POTUS perk,
You said. Well, here (excuse us) is the rub:
Stop being POTUS and that doesn’t work.
No pressure, but you’ll need a place to dwell
On Jan the 21st. Noel, Noel!
by Dan Campion
“U.S. Stocks Rise to Records on Stimulus Bets”
—The Wall Street Journal
Friends, step right up and place your bets
On fiscal stimulation!
With acts of Congress, largesse jets
Across a grateful nation;
Stocks “rise to records.” Think of that!
Don’t get stuck in a queue
For bread and milk and bacon fat—
Next Buffett could be you!
by David Hedges
At last, we learn, it’s come to pass
That mankind’s handiwork outweighs,
In terms of tons, the biomass—
Our stuff beats nature’s nowadays.
Should we salute this awesome feat
And heap mankind with fulsome praise,
Applaud with Instagram and tweet,
The slipshod inhumanity
Of our supremely smug conceit?
Mais oui! Ingrained inanity
Propels us through the looking glass
Toward unsurpassed insanity!
by Iris Herriot
“Sia: Shia LaBeouf Conned Me into Adulterous Relationship”
—The Los Angeles Times
Said Sia to Shia:
“I had no idea.
O how did you do it? It must be obeah!”
Said Shia to Sia:
“You knew about Mia;
It’s hardly a peripateia, my deah.”
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
An Epstein asks that I, Jill Biden, stop
Continued use of “Dr.” with my name,
As I can’t hand out pills or do an op—
Doc Kissinger is handicapped the same!
Epsteinian opinion has been filed:
Man wisely once said “Doc” should not be used
If you have not delivered someone’s child—
Concerning which, of fraud I stand accused! …
Dear Mr. Epstein, though you mis-compared
Our doctorates—yours doled out free, mine earned,
Can you not see your own words have you snared?
They verify my “Doc” should not be spurned,
Once with your wise man’s sayings reconciled—
Remember I delivered my own child!
by Nora Jay
“I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for continuing to participate
in the strange human beauty that is this art form.”
—Email from Timothy Green, editor of Rattle
How strange the human beauty
That writing poems is:
Not narwhalesque or newty,
But strangely human beauty;
Let’s voice in accents fluty
Our recognition, viz:
How strange the human beauty
That writing poems is!
by Bruce Bennett
“The Supreme Court really let us down.
No Wisdom, No Courage!”
—Tweet by Trump
“Wisdom” and “Courage” in the mouth of Trump
are like stumbling on diamonds at the dump.
by Chris O’Carroll
“The Texas GOP had a fit after the Supreme Court rejected their bid to flip the election
in Trump’s favor, and now they’re hinting at secession”
—Business Insider
The Court refused to throw out votes
That didn’t go our way.
It’s time for us to grab our flags
And leave the USA.
We are the real Americans,
A patriotic breed,
As everyone can tell from our
Intention to secede.
by Julia Griffin
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my Guests bestowed on me:
Twelve Babes A-Weeping
Eleven Grannies Griping
Ten Students Strumming
Nine Strangers Chancing
Eight Teens A-Sulking
Seven Sinks A-Brimming
Six Discs Not-Playing
Five Mold Rings;
Four Boring Nerds
Three Dud Pens
Two Dirty Gloves
And a Part-Now-Missing TV!
by Pat D’Amico
“Customer service may not be available.”
—PayPal
There is nobody home at PayPal—
For answers, I must go online.
They have proffered a list of questions
Which bear no resemblance to mine;
And then to fuel my frustration,
Some customer service guru
Has recorded this declaration:
“We will always be here for you.”
—ABC
by Bruce Bennett
William Shakespeare, may you thrive—
though not famous, still alive.
Twitter wits may make us chortle,
but one need not be immortal
To seek safety through immunity.
William, go forth with impunity.
Make the most of healthful days.
So what if you wrote no plays?
Besting Covid is enough.
You and we are all such stuff
Dreams are made on. That’s our club.
Celebrate that in a pub.
Raise a glass, and share some laughter.
Bugger Covid! Drink to After.
by Nora Jay
“Bob Dylan sells entire publishing catalogue to Universal Music …
“It’s no secret that that the art of songwriting is the fundamental key to all great music,”
said Sir Lucian Grainge, the chief executive.”
—The Guardian
Love’s just a four-letter word; so’s cash:
Bring on that zillion-dollar bash!
People are crazy and times are strange:
And that’s why I’ve sold to Sir Lucian Grainge.
by Dan Campion
“First Lady Melania Trump Announces Completion of the New White House Tennis Pavilion”
—Whitehouse.gov
O beautiful in buffering,
If not our national pain,
First Families’ future suffering
From golfing’s stress and strain,
Melania, Melania,
A racket bump to thee!
You raised a shout, on your way out,
For tennis in DC.
by Eddie Aderne
“Mystery sender returns key ‘borrowed’ from Norman tower in 1973 …
The note read: “Dear English Heritage. Please find enclosed, large key to … [sic]
‘St Leonard’s Tower, West Malling, Kent.’
It added: ‘Borrowed 1973. Returned 2020.
‘Sorry for the delay. Regards.’”
—The Guardian
Dear English Heritage, Please find
Enclosed what you (de facto) lent
To me, the not-quite-undersigned,
While touring in West Malling, Kent.
Full forty-seven years ago,
I borrowed your substantial key,
Returned, with this—delayed, I know—
Anonymous apology.
Perhaps not quite the full nine yards,
But guilt goes just so far. Regards.