by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“The local authority has introduced… £100 fines for anyone using a metal detector [on Cleethorphes Beach in England]. …
[The general secretary of the National Council for Metal Detecting]… believes the objection is that detectorists dig holes,
which he said were usually only a few inches deep and should be filled afterwards. ‘I said to them ‘What about sandcastles,
kids burying their dad in the sand—have you banned that as well?’ And they said ‘No no no, that’s fine’. … Where’s the logic?'”
—The Guardian

When Cleethorpes’ tide was low, detectorists
Hung out and looked for treasure in the sand,
Extracting coins for archaeologists’
Researches. But their digging is now banned.
Enthusiasts are puzzled by this move,
Since little holes are classified as bad,
Though bureaucrats are happy to approve
Holes big enough to bury all your dad—
Except his nose. How can a lesser pit
Leave greater damage? Where’s the logic for
Officialdom that’s willing to permit
Great trenches but bans peepholes on the shore? …
Is metal buried somewhere not too deep
Concealing secrets someone needs to keep?

by Bruce Bennett

“Don’t worry, folks. It’s just a prop.
In minutes we can make this stop.
But meantime, we want you to feel
the thrill of how what’s fake is real.”

by Alex Steelsmith

“[A]lcohol may negatively affect hormone levels including testosterone…
Excess alcohol intake …will lower your testosterone levels.”
—Verywellfit

“’[T]otal testosterone’ [often called ‘total T’] is the grand total of all the hormone
available in the bloodstream.”
—Gainswave.com

Higgledy-swiggledy
guzzling intoxicants
hobbles libido, the
experts agree.

Thus they might summarize,
epigrammatically:
Being teetotal can
boost total T.

by Ruth S. Baker

“[Curds of Nepali yaks’ milk] are strained in cloth bags and pressed under weights to remove
as much whey as possible before being sent to the village below to be made into churpi (or chhurpi),
a dried snack … Selling churpi as a dog chew created a profitable new market that has also solved
the problem of excess milk going to waste as demand fluctuates.”
—The Guardian

For dogs who are bitey or slurpy,
Behold, a delicious new chew!
We’re calling it churpi (or chhurpi):
That goes for the retailers too.

by Marshall Begel

“The Exmoor Squirrel Project is asking landowners to set live traps and restaurants to serve grey squirrel.”
—BBC News

Roasted squirrel with pesto swirl
Shepherd’s pie of lanternfly
Baked cane toad served à la mode
Brown tree snake medallion steak

Garlic mustard seasoned custard
Zebra mussels stewed with Brussels
Northern snakehead stuffed with cornbread
Rusty crayfish noodle hotdish

Help invaders meet their fate
Garnished, served upon a plate.

by Kaitlyn Spees

“Today, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Vowst, the first fecal microbiota product that is taken orally.
Vowst is approved for the prevention of recurrence of Clostridioides difficile (C. difficile) infection (CDI)
in individuals 18 years of age and older, following antibacterial treatment for recurrent CDI.”
—FDA

Wowily Bowelly
CDI sufferers
Hope their gut anguish is
Finally done.

Scoff though folks may about
Palatability,
Finally C. diff’s the
One on the run.

by Julia Griffin

(with thanks to the Master)

“A statue of Sabrina and a memorial to Capability Brown at Croome is covered in blue crayon.”
—BBC News

Sabrina blue,
Listen where thou art sprawling
Over a graceful, pseudo-Roman scene,
Recovering from the appalling
Behaviour of the litter-dropping crew:
Listen to the cleaners’ prayer,
Goddess of graffiti’d hair,
Hear and come clean!

Listen and accept our hymn,
In the name of Zud and Vim,
By the power of brush and sponge,
Honoured long for scouring grunge,
By descaling alkaline,
Through whose power great bath tubs shine,
By hydroxides, scourge of tar,
And immortal vinegar,
Followed up by faithful bleach
(Wisely kept from children’s reach):
For the sake of good man Brown,
Capable of such renown,
And, still more encouraging,
Great John Milton, poet-king,
Who immortalized your name
Ere the vile Crayola came:
Do not let these oily stains
Mark you like thrombotic veins;
Rise, rise, and lift thy scrubbed-off head,
Radiant, de-crayonèd,
Like an Ajax-rescued queen,
Re-perfected, re-pristine:
Hear and come clean!

by Paul Lander

Jerry Springer‘s gone.
Fans: in lieu of flowers, please
hit Dad with a chair.

by Steven Kent

“Rupert Murdoch reportedly divorced Jerry Hall by email”
—The Guardian

The subject line Re: marriage, then
The body reads, “Dear Jerry:
Conditions/terms were stated when
We both agreed to marry.
This union was performance-based,
Yet came to no fruition,
So now I choose to move in haste
And phase out your position.

Your contract I shall not renew,
Effective date next Monday.
We’ll skip the exit interview;
Please clear your desk by Sunday.
I’ll gladly recommend you, dear—
You’re pleasant, bright, and pretty—
But first you’ll have to sign off here.
(Attorneys, New York City).”

by Stephen Gold

“Beloved pet cat Choupette, now 11, was made a supermodel by Karl Lagerfeld”
—Daily Mail

Although her Karl’s departed
(A catastrophic loss),
Choupette still struts the catwalk
With undiminished gloss.

Which proves, though fate is random,
That when all’s said and done,
Nine lives are categorically
Superior to one.

by Julia Griffin

“Orient Express to axe UK section after 41 years due to Brexit”
—The Guardian

In 1883, that sleek success
Thrillingly named The Orient Express
First left from Paris, heading for Stamboul.
Some ninety years, sublimely chic and cool,
It ran through Strasbourg, Munich, Budapest,
Or else Milan, Sofia, and the rest
(The southern route). Fine passengers would sip
Champagne for days; then things began to slip.
The route was cut: to Bucharest—to Wien—
And lastly altogether. Change the scene;
Move on a century: a new OE,
Tricked out with classy, cast-off wagons lits,
Processed from London down to Venice (scrap
Of that first splendid journey!). Now the map
Contracts still further: thank those Brexiteers
Through whom a ride assured for forty years
Is closed to London. What a dismal mess—
The latest, although not, I’m moved to guess,
Last Murder of the Orient Express.

by Marshall Begel

“Simple chance decided a seat on the Madison City Council on Wednesday,
with a name selected at random handing Isadore Knox Jr. a victory…”
—Wisconsin State Journal

All votes are decisive! All voices do matter!
Forget the statistics. Ignore all the chatter.

The people decide, not some slick bureaucrat.
Now wish your guy luck as I draw from this hat!

by Nora Jay

“FBI arrests guardsman who applied for job on RentAHitman.com …
Garcia told agents after his arrest that he had not intended to go through with the contract killing.
He said he just received a job offer at a Nashville medical center that he intended to take instead.”
—The Guardian

I’m thinking what my best career would be:
A murderer, or just a plain MD?
Information I’m amassin’:
Nurse assistant, mass assassin?
To grab a latex glove or Glock Gen 3?

In either case, my work is clean and plain;
I’ve never yet been called a scatterbrain;
My vascular incisions
Will require no revisions:
I guarantee that no one will complain.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Gardeners urged to protect bats as numbers drop”
—PA Media

I feed the birds and foxes in my garden,
And now I want to do my bit for bats.
I’m leaving all the windfalls and the insects,
And buying some repellent for the cats.

But what if some are really nosferatu,
And someone in the block invites them in,
Believing they’re delivering a package,
Or flogging bootleg cigarettes and gin?

I’d have to be bedecked in Christian symbols,
And maybe even shave them in my hair.
If eligible women think I’m crackers,
It’s just a cross I’m going to have to bear.

by Clyde Always

“Sea lions flee in panic after man backflips off pier to harass them…”
—The Sacramento Bee

If you are a curious human
(sans vessel, commander and crewmen),
don’t guzzle a beer
and then dive off the pier!
To see us up closer, just zoom in.