by Kevin Ahern

A time zone for the moon, it’s said
Will sync their clocks to chime
But will they turn those clocks ahead
For moonlight saving time?

by Julia Griffin

“Giving the Middle Finger Is a ‘God-Given’ Right, a Quebec Judge Says”
—The New York Times

When God made Adam out of dirt,
He did not make him linger
But kept directions quick and curt:
“This is a middle finger.

“I’ll give away your favorite bone
(I’ve got a special rivet),
But as for this, it’s yours alone:
It’s up to you to give it.

“This central digit lets you see
(And seeing is believing),
That giving now and then may be
Still better than receiving.”

by Philip Kitcher

“‘Ridiculous’: opponents pour scorn on Boris Johnson’s plan to knight his father”
—The Guardian

Large donations to the nation
should receive a rich reward:
elevation in your station
to become a Knight or Lord.

Dad deserves the highest honors,
every Briton should agree—
he outstrips all other donors
with his greatest gift … that’s ME!

by Alex Steelsmith

“[Octopuses] were caught on camera throwing shells, silt, and algae… [Targets included] the underwater cameras.
This is the first time throwing behavior has been reported among octopuses. Though scientists aren’t certain of the
motivation, it may have something to do with ‘the octopus equivalent of personal space’…”
—National Geographic

Tentacle-tentative
octopus researchers
aiming their cameras are
shrewdly repelled;

breaching the spaces that
octopi occupy,
over-inquisitive
humans get shelled.

Suddenly-thuddenly,
curious scientists
met with projectiles are
shocked and alarmed,

having discovered in
nontheoretical
terms that the creatures are
very well armed.

by Stephen Gold

“Man had sex with his wife on bollard in protest after it had been erected by neighbour
to stop him parking his campervan in her space”
—Daily Mail

It began with al fresco caressing,
And progressed to unseemly undressing.
But poor Lee failed to see
There was CCTV,
And the outcome was truly depressing.

For a bollard is not an erection
Well adapted to acts of affection.
It takes rare agility
To use this facility,
And it’s fraught with the risk of detection.

by Julia Griffin

“A woman from London has completed a decade-long mission to sample a scone
at every National Trust location with a tearoom or restaurant.”
—The Guardian

It wasn’t easy. Scones at Castle Drogo
Were dry as dust, which wasn’t what they’d claimed.
“Ickworth” should really be that house’s logo:
Like Cherryburn, it’s only too well-named.
Fyne Court, however, was in no way classy:
Montacute House was nothing of the sort;
Still, all’s as you’d expect at Dunham Massey;
Likewise, the scones were stale at Coughton Court.
They’re amping up their game at Hinton Ampner,
But Haddo House has had it—cream like soap;
Dudmaston Hall was also quite a dampener,
While disappointment struck in Wilderhope,
And as for Scone, the palace, what a bust!—
Turns out it’s not been purchased by the Trust.

* All of this to be taken with a large pinch of salt (and jam, and clotted cream)

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“Keanu Reeves’s Latest Role? Fungus-Killing Bacterial Compound.
Researchers in Germany named bacterial compounds after the actor,
saying they proved as devastating to difficult foes as the protagonist
of the ‘John Wick’ franchise.”
—The New York Times

Brave new compounds dwell among us
Stealthily destroying fungus!
Keanumycins! Deadly, quick—
A fitting tribute to John Wick.
Although, their name might well extol
Another famed Keanu role.
These chemicals that save our food
No doubt will make us shout, “Whoa, dude!”
Could their title be instead
A righteous nod to Bill & Ted?

by Dan Campion

“I’m What’s Wrong With the Humanities”
—Ross Douthat in The New York Times

It’s Ivy League confession hour!
The mea culpas tumble out—
“We had the steam, we had the power,”
From cheering squads who moan and pout.
“Re-wall the cloisters; ditch cell phones!”
A chorus of pained pundits bawls,
Or “Ditch the Bard and dig through Bones,”
While palls of cobwebs deck the halls.
New Yorker, Nation, New York Times
Resound with Culture’s Armageddon.
Simmer down, friends. Vision climbs
Wherever honey-dew is fed on.

by Iris Herriot

“Matterhorn no more: Toblerone to change design under ‘Swissness’ rules
Alpine mountain image will be replaced with more generic summit when some of chocolate bar’s
production moves out of country… ‘The packaging redesign introduces a modernised and
streamlined mountain logo that aligns with the geometric and triangular aesthetic,’
a Mondelēz spokesperson told the Aargauer Zeitung newspaper.”
—The Guardian

The truth is, Toblerone’s dismissed:
They moved, and saw their status plummet.
A Rule has rendered them Unswissed;
They’re barred from that distinctive summit.
What is a chocolatier to do?
This is the price of Alpine glory;
To Toblerone it’s steep, though to
The Matterhorn, it’s nougatory.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“York libraries to SCRAP all fines for overdue books”
—The Press

Get ready to return your books for free,
On time or two years late—it matters not
In York, because your city library
Now caters to the absent-minded swot.
Get ready to check out a few more vols
Before you try to find what you mislaid:
York’s going by the book—new protocols
Toss out all fees that once had to be paid …
However, even though you can’t be fined,
Each time your books are overdue, we will
Be sure to let you know that you’re behind
On book returns. And, since you get no bill,
Our hope is that your guilty conscience may
Keep nagging—till you volunteer to pay!

by Alex Steelsmith

Monday, March 6th is National Dentist’s Day,
as well as National Oreo Cookie Day.

Randomly-tandemly,
dentists and Oreos
sharing a day? There’s a
lot to unpack.

Those who allowed for this
simultaneity
might be deserving of
some kind of plaque.

Cavity-gravity,
National Dentist’s Day
raises awareness of
dental decay.

Still, though we strive to be
periodontally
conscious, the Oreo
caries the day.

Savory-flavory
fillings in Oreos
keep you addicted and
under their spell.

Later, your dentist might
unsympathetically
give you a fix with some
fillings as well.

by Marshall Begel

“Tennessee enacts nation’s first law restricting drag shows…”
—The Hill

A criminal who robs and steals?
Not half the threat of one in heels!

by Coleman Glenn

“Whiskey Fungus Fed by Jack Daniel’s Encrusts a Tennessee Town.
The dark growth, fed by alcohol vapors from barrels of aging Jack Daniel’s whiskey,
has coated homes, cars, patio furniture and road signs in a sooty crust, residents said.”
—The New York Times

Big distilleries have flung us
Boozy air and whiskey fungus.
Small stills, though, are also risky—
Fifty bucks for fungus whiskey!

by Clyde Always

“The FBI arrested Marc Muffley after a TSA agent says they discovered an explosive in his suitcase
at a Pennsylvania airport. Muffley’s attorney argues the device was part of a firework that couldn’t be
remotely detonated”
—CNN

Grabbity, nabbity,
TSA Officers’
searches and seizures can
leave you aghast.

Sometimes, these ruffians
unnecessarily
seek to prevent you from
having a blast.

by Julia Griffin

“George Santos Doubles Down on Making AR-15 the ‘National Gun’ of the U.S…
[Santos says:] “We have national everything, why not have a national gun? It saves lives
on a daily basis, and it’s not reported.”
—Newsweek

At Daily Basis U, the Dean
Devotedly contrives
To honor our AR-15
For saving all those lives.

This year alone, how much we owe
This patriotic gun!
Without it, seven schools or so
Would—what would they have done?