by Alex Steelsmith
“[A] 4- to 5-foot monitor lizard was spotted running loose on the freeway…
Troopers arrived on the scene and called the Phoenix Herpetological Sanctuary…
The troopers, joined by Arizona Department of Transportation personnel, kept watch on the lizard…”
—UPI
Diligent, vigilant
local authorities
keeping a monitor
lizard in view
always appreciate
herpetological
experts who monitor
monitors too.
by Jerome Betts
Steve Darling, the newly-elected MP for Torbay Devon, is accompanied
in the House of Commons by his guide dog Jennie, a Golden Retriever.
Hail Jennie D, a helpful dog,
No glib mendacious demagogue
No Truss or Johnson or Rees-Mogg
With toxic policies to flog!
Beneath the chamber’s verbal fog
You’ll find her sleeping like a log.
by Gail White
“This country is effectively run… by a bunch of childless cat ladies
who are miserable at… the choices that they’ve made…”
—J.D. Vance
What demons pressured Trump to choose
a man with such alarming views?
The CCLs are saying, “Wow!
It’s been a secret until now!
But Vance has let the whole world know
it’s gals with cats who run the show,
and far from wretched, we rejoice
at such a liberating choice!”
Whatever else he may promote,
he’s lost the Childless Cat Mom vote.
by Bruce Bennett
There was “a shot heard round the world.”
Jaws dropped. Eyes widened. Threats were hurled.
Yet there was neither peace nor war,
And all continued as before.
by Paul Lander
Vegas is so hot
David Copperfield is now:
David Coppertone.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“New law requires all Louisiana public school classrooms to display the Ten Commandments”
—The Associated Press
Display the Ten Commandments?
This harebrained law invites
A sensible proposal:
Display the Bill of Rights!
by Eddie Aderne
“Satanists to volunteer in Florida schools in protest at DeSantis religious bill
Satanic Temple objects to governor’s push for more religion in schools and says members
could act as student chaplains”
—The Guardian
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven,
And best to work with kids around eleven.
All is not lost: the unconquerable will
Remains, to screw up Ron DeSantis’ bill.
Ah, little mudlings! League with you I seek
And mutual amity, to start next week:
Who’d like some cool new pledges? One, two, three:
Evil, be thou my good! Repeat with me!
by Dan Campion
“This portrait of Dolley Madison might be the first photo of a first lady”
—NPR
You’re looking straight ahead at us,
Dear Dolley; what you see
Has set your prim coiffure a-muss.
You peer ironically,
With gimlet eyes and driest smile—
Your sense of style endures—
Our hostess for the ages, while
We act like perfect boors.
by Julia Griffin
“Pistols Napoleon planned to use to kill himself sold in France for €1.7m
Napoleon said to have tried to use the guns after defeat of French campaign,
but grand squire removed the gunpowder, so French ruler tried poison instead …
The richly decorated guns inlaid with gold and silver feature the engraved
image of Napoleon in full imperial pomp.”
—The Guardian
Allons! Betrayed by cowards who refuse
To march on Paris, I, the unconquered, mean
To yield here to myself—the foe I choose:
It is tonight, I’m sorry, Josephine.
Here are my pistols, properly inlaid
With gold and silver and my portrait (fair,
Not all it might be). Think me not afraid,
Posterity: what heroes fear, I dare.
Prussia and Austria, cold Moscow too
Will learn in awe what majesty should be;
It is a far, far braver thing I do;
The final face I look upon is me,
An Emperor, self-crowned and never scared.
A short farewell to all my greatness!—Merde.
draws near. Oh,
for a Shapiro,
a Warnock, a Beshear! Oh,
for any available hero.
(Fetch
Gretch.)
~ Cody Walker
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“It was the moment when millions of football fans held their breath.
England’s place in the Euro 2024 semi-finals had come down to a penalty shootout against Switzerland.
People watched at home, in pubs and in… London’s Old Vic Theatre.
James Corden’s play, The Constituent, was due to start at the same time… as the penalties.
But instead of ploughing on with the show, Corden went on stage and watched the sporting drama
with the audience and his fellow cast members.”
—BBC
Must I stop watching England play, and act?
Until I know the outcome of events,
Should I pretend my gut is not intact,
Then watch in hiding in the nearest gents?
My play and spot kicks both at once begin,
Yet I would rather be in Dusseldorf,
Soliloquizing on an England win.
How well this giant shoot-out goes will dwarf
Old Vic proceedings—must my show go on,
Without delay? What do my patrons say? …
Glued firmly to a spot-kick marathon
On smartphones, all are saying: Halt the play
Onstage—right now, the highest drama’s found
Not here, but on a German football ground!
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Drinking this much water a day can help you lose weight, dietician says”
—Daily Express
Constantly sipping water through the day is
The secret to a slimmer, fitter you—
It fills you up and stops you overeating,
Because you’re always running for the loo.
by Dan Campion
“High-altitude cave used by Tibetan Buddhists yields a Denisovan fossil”
—ArsTechnica
Some ancient ancestors endured
A hundred thousand years
Of harsh cave life. I’m strangely stirred.
Their stamina endears.
That Buddhist monks succeeded them
Augments the cosmic saga.
We just might find a stratagem
For holding on past MAGA.
by Philip Kitcher
Alas, Keir Starmer
is not a charmer,
but next to Rishi
he counts as dishy.
by Steven Kent
“Michael Jackson was more than $500M in debt when he died in 2009”
—The Guardian
Bubbles’ friend, trouble’s friend:
MJ, late King of Pop,
Earned a celebrity
Nobody had
Dancing and singing so
Cynosuristically.
Managing money, though?
Michael was Bad.