by Clyde Always

“Nutritionist recommends eating like a baby to lose weight”
—New York Post

Nutritionist Nicolette Pace
convincingly stated a case
to “eat like a baby.”
Misreading her, maybe,
I tried and got slapped in the face.

by Mark F. Stone

“Investors grow pessimistic about the market as stocks resume sliding.”
—CNBC

I’ve worked since the summer when I was thirteen.
Selling pink lemonade gave me plenty of green.

I want to retire, but it won’t be today.
I call my investments “my 201K.”

Those investments are melting. I’m getting depressed.
They’re melting as fast as the Witch of the West.

There is no safe harbor. I can’t find a hedge.
I’m starting to panic. I’m out on the ledge.

I’m scared of the NASDAQ, the SPY and the DOW.
My cash in the mattress? That’s where I’m at now.

In the sweet golden years that I’ve worked for and planned,
I see drinks with umbrellas, imbibed on the strand.

But unless I profoundly rebound, I’m afraid
I’ll be back in a booth selling pink lemonade.

by Paul Lander

“[California Gov. Gavin Newsom, a Democrat] is holding mostly chummy conversations with prominent conservatives…
[including] Steve Bannon, an architect of President Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign…”
—The Associated Press

Newsom pods Bannon!
Hey, Gav, to ditch Stevie, just
Press Alt/Right/Delete.

by Philip Kitcher

Let us make you an offer you cannot refuse:
we shall burnish your image—our fervent intent is
to bring a vast following you’ll never lose.
We’ve designed a revival: The Stellar Apprentice.

For the first of your guests, we are thinking of Hannity—
the scene where you fire him will cause a sensation.
At risk of inflating your well-deserved vanity,
we’ll mandate each episode’s viewed by the nation.

To ensure that all citizens cherish you dearly,
our reruns will air for compulsory viewing.
The whole of the public must view them twice yearly;
we’ll jail all degenerates whom we catch booing.

There is just one small problem: the trouble combining
your GOP role with our plans. We must mention
you’ll need—right away—to announce you’re resigning.
Your prize: a tsunami of cosmic attention.

Bid farewell to the White House! We don’t think you’ll miss us.
You’ll know that you’re billed as the world’s star attraction.
Consider the pleasure: you’ll rival Narcissus
in pure plenitude of your self-satisfaction.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Illinois votes on a new state flag design—and chooses the current one… with the state’s bald eagle-themed emblem.
… ‘[T]he vexillological community (flag experts) may hate it, but people overwhelmingly prefer our current state flag,’
said [the] Secretary of State…”
—The Associated Press

Presently, pleasantly,
flag iconography
gracing the state that we
call Illinois

features an image that
vexillological
experts find vexing, but
people enjois.

by Julia Griffin

For Barbara Lee Smith

(After the lyrics of Rouget de Lisle)

“Give us back the statue of Liberty!” cried Raphaël Glucksmann, leader of the Place Publique party…
addressing ‘Americans who have chosen to go over to the tyrants’ side'”
—translated from Le Parisien

Allons, enfants de la patrie,
It’s time to face the USA!
Now they’ve chosen la tyrannie,
We must sauver La Liberté!
We must sauver La Liberté!
Now l’Amérique has gone insane,
And turned into a crook’s royaume,
Our statue needs another home—
We’re thinking Greenland, or Ukraine.

Aux armes, citoyens!
They will not care she’s gone:
Marchons, marchons!
They’ll build for sure
A great big bust of Don!

by Bruce Bennett

“’One of the possibilities now is that, in some theories, the universe could stop expanding, and re-contract into a Big Crunch,’
said… a cosmologist at the University of Texas. … For planning purposes, it is important to recognize that the timescale here
is many billions or trillions of years.”
—The Washington Post

Right now it’s no more than a hunch.
One day there may come the Big Crunch.
No reason for fears, though.
That won’t be for years, so
You needn’t look up from your lunch.

by Dan Campion

“Judge declines to bar DOGE from the US Institute of Peace after standoff”
—Reuters

Peace Now, who needs it? Not DOGE, friends,
Who took the Institute by force.
Apparently this outfit spends
Too much on—what? On peace, of course.
DOGE can’t have that. Peace is a load
Too heavy for the USA.
Peacemakers, you can hit the road.
Reprieve? There’s no grace time for prey.
The chainsaw having made its cut,
The officers with guns rushed in.
Your peace is dead, your office shut.
And DOGE collects another skin.

by Marshall Begel

“[Germany’s] Bridegroom’s Oak has a famous knothole that’s been used as a mailbox since 1892.
… Visitors to the tree [must climb a ladder to] leaf through the missives… and choose whether to become
postal paramours with any of the letter-writers.”
—The Associated Press

Just like the prince who dared ascend
Rapunzel’s golden hair,
You chose the letter I had penned,
In answer to my prayer.

Let this connection be the seed
Which grows into our bond,
To meet our demonstrated need,
Tomorrow and beyond!

And I will ease your days of tortured
Loneliness—you’ll see,
For I need workers in my orchard,
And you can climb a tree.

by Steven Kent

“Hold My Snacks: Pirate’s Booty Founder Attempts a Seaside Coup”
—The New York Times

The rightful mayor of this dump,
I learned a lesson well from Trump:
My loss was seventeen-to-one,
But I’m the guy; I’ve just begun.

I know exactly what I’m doing.
Think you’ll stop me? You, I’m suing!
Vote was rigged, so I won’t bear it.
I’m in charge now—I declare it!

by Paul Lander

I remember when
Egging a friend’s house didn’t
Double its value.

by Neil Doherty

“As President Trump seeks to purge the federal government of ‘woke’ initiatives,
agencies flag hundreds of words to limit or avoid…”
—The New York Times

Mum’s the word on “woman”—it’s rejected,
but “man” and “male,” of course, are free of slight.
It’s no surprise that “female” is ejected.
“Black” is now wrong, but “white” is quite all right.

“Inclusion” and “exclusion”: both excluded.
“Equality,” “disparity” as well.
The logic of the Trumpers has concluded
that “either/or” means “both.” It’s perfect hell!

Delete “they/them.” Get rid of “trans” and “pronoun,”
and God forbid you write “LGBT.”
To speak of “gender” “risk(s)” a bloody showdown,
and so does “MSM” and “GBV.”

All “pregnant persons” we’ve been told to banish
and tiny “chest-fed people.” No excuse!
They tell us “sex” itself will likely vanish.
So, how on earth are we to reproduce?

by Steven Kent

“Amy Coney Barrett under attack by right wing after USAID ruling”
—The Guardian

“Trump’s polarising appeal leaves European populists in a tight spot”
—The Guardian

It’s never clear, to those who lack the stuff,
Exactly how far right is right enough:
Eleven on a ten-scale? More? Still higher?
How much does MAGA membership require?
You can’t be merely sure, you must be surer—
Who cares if you create an awful Führer?

by Clyde Always

“Memphis man in bed with lady friend shot in leg—and claims dog pulled the trigger”
—New York Post

A puppy (though don’t ask me how)
put a gun to his owner and—POW!
Then, once the smoke cleared,
it’s likely he jeered:
“Hey Buddy, who’s playin’ dead, now?”

by Julia Griffin

“Norfolk woman refuses to hand over 16th-century Italian painting identified as stolen…
Barbara De Dozsa’s husband bought Madonna and Child by Antonio Solario in 1973
after it was stolen from a museum”
—The Guardian

Antonio “The Gypsy,” tinker’s son,
Venetian painter of indifferent fame,
Painted St. Benedict in Naples, came,
Apparently, to England, painted one
Virgin and Child in Birmingham; that done,
Most probably went home. Sometimes his name
Gets muddled with another’s, much the same;
Thus far the facts. But now begins the fun.
Another of his Virgins, gained by theft,
Was sold, and the possessor seeks to squash
The suit of the museum thus bereft:
Her name’s De Dosza, and she’s seeking dosh.
But none will buy, and she won’t give, or show.
At least we’ve heard now of Antonio.