by Stephen Gold

“Want to seem sexier? Ditch the Lamborghini, buy a hatchback.”
—The Times

Men! Don’t buy a Lamborghini,
Girls will think your pecker’s teeny.
Buy a small sedan instead,
That’ll get ‘em into bed!

by Steven Kent

“ICE entices new recruits with patriotism pitch and pledge of $50,000 signing bonuses”
—The Guardian

Come sign with ICE; we’ll pay your price,
With bonus for employment.
Our squad’s elite—you’ll rule the street,
You’ll cosplay cops, raid schools and shops.
Tear kids away from moms today
For duty and enjoyment!

Men, sign with ICE, that’s our advice
To patriots in waiting:
Come show your stuff (we like it rough).
We’ll make you feel your manhood’s real—
We always ask you wear a mask
And tough-guy armor plating.

So sign with ICE—we don’t play nice
Or follow legal stricture.
Our budget’s large with Noem in charge;
We’re spreading fear both far and near;
It’s might makes right, it’s black and white,
And that’s our kind of picture!

by Nora Jay

I never knew Epstein.
His friends were the Clintons:
We’d show you his file, where they’re listed,
Except it’s too boring,
And Hillary wrote it,
And also it never existed.

by Marshall Begel

“Florida attorney general orders airports to report ‘weather modification’ activities'”
—The Hill

The TSA
is here to stay,
but has a different role here.
You will not lose
time changing shoes—
they don’t suspect a sole here.
But, at the gate,
they’ll confiscate
a lightning bolt or Mjölnir.

by Kaitlyn Spees

“On any given Sunday, churchgoers settle into pews as a clergy person takes an ancient holy text
and figures out what it has to say about our lives today. But how would worshippers feel if they found out
that sermon was written by Artificial Intelligence?”
—NPR

With Sunday fast approaching,
I listened for the Lord—
I prayed, Help write this sermon,
We don’t want our flock bored!

I read some windy Scripture.
I shook with mild despair.
I torched my drafted nothings—
I had not found Him there—

Then opened up my browser.
(I can’t say that I’m proud,
but who says He’s not present
within that whispering cloud?)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Why does technology create new problems for each one it solves?”
—The Guardian

So companies that sell the stuff
That causes all the shite,
Can make a further fortune selling
Stuff to put it right,

And selling stuff to mitigate
The problems that were missed,
And selling further stuff to—
Well, I think you get the gist.

by Alex Steelsmith

“The Wendelstein 7-X stellarator in Germany has broken the record for plasma duration in a nuclear fusion reactor.
Fusion reactions were sustained at high performance levels for 43 seconds, which is a major breakthrough…
The Wendelstein 7-X stellarator… smashed a record in… well, atom smashing.”
—Popular Mechanics

Energy synergy,
fusion technology
flourished for forty-three
seconds, no less.

Is the experiment
world-transformational?
Clearly, at least, it’s a
smashing success.

by Julia Griffin

For Annette

“The Cotswolds are up in arms… because J D Vance may be spending his summer holiday there.”
—The Telegraph

The Vances’ Cotswold journey
Has sparked some spleen, all told.
They’re surly in North Cerney,
And Stow’s gone off the Wold;
All over Minchinhampton
Their thoughts are dark and harsh;
They’re feeling bruised and tramped on
At Moreton-in-the-Marsh.
How bitterly they glower,
Exuding scorn and chill,
In Nailsworth, Guiting Power,
And Bourton-on-the-Hill!
Though once, no doubt, hot pitch would
Be poised on every ledge
In Shipton-under-Wychwood
And Wotton-under-Edge,
Now Bourton-on-the-Water
Is relatively tame,
And surely neither Slaughter
Will justify its name.

by Steven Kent

“Leftists are determined to date each other, and not settle for liberals…”
—The Guardian

My single sister seeks a mister;
Solo, she’s bereft.
“I want a date, I want a mate—
Are any good men Left?”

by Dan Campion

“Teeth marks suggest ‘terror bird’ was killed by reptile 13 million years ago”
—BBC

My ‘terror bird’ is still alive.
It comes and goes at will
With other childhood fears that thrive
Despite my fund of years.
But in my mind a reptile, too,
As in the ancient swill,
Clamps on and clears the bird from view
Each time it reappears.

by Stephen Gold

“Gardens do not need plants in them, Monty Don, the horticulturist and broadcaster, has claimed.”
—The Times

My garden is a wondrous thing,
I gaze on it for hours,
Though not a bird drops by to sing,
Nor has it any flowers.

Green-fingered friends give sage advice,
But I shall rest content
Within my earthly paradise
Of wall-to-wall cement.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Your organs have their own age—and it may predict health risks better than your birthday”
—The Independent

My brain’s as keen on exercise as ever;
I think it thinks it’s only twenty-three.
My heart and lungs would rather put their feet up,
And dunk another cookie in their tea.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“After years of criticism, the Whitehall body that regulates the revolving door between those in public office
and subsequent private earnings is to be scrapped.”
—The Guardian

The rule is clear: a minister whose gig
Has ceased should wait at least three months before
Receiving—from the right-wing press—a big
Emolument for words. Three months or more
Elapsing was no sweat for Boris J:
Month meant a day for Telegraph largesse,
Or just ten mins when Daily Mail could pay.
Narrating tales of others who’d transgress
The three-month rule, a watchdog chair said they
Had been befuddled, even though they too
Ran government (in constant disarray)
Until they left … I’d craft the rule anew:
Let three months be when ministers can get
Ejected if not unbefuddled yet!

—ABC News

by Richard Wakefield

This is the stomping ground of self-styled studs
who shake the ground with thunderous thumps and thuds.
They strut their stuff, for any dino guy knows
an earthquake will impress the lady dinos—
a Jurassic aprhodisiac, a dance
enticing them to dinosaur romance.
But over time the hopeful fellows see
the charm wear off, as inexplicably
their antics leave the girls unagitated.
The disappointed boys go home unmated.

The asteroid that comes to end it all
in fact is just a crashing disco ball.

by Philip Kitcher

“Republicans in Congress shift to backing Ukraine, matching Trump’s reversal”
—New York Times

If you say that it’s needed,
I surely shall agree—
or that it’s superseded,
it’s quite OK with me.

My psyche’s constant feeder
with nourishment and drink:
instruct me please, dear leader,
in what I ought to think.