by Philip Kitcher

(To be sung to the tune of Cwm Rhondda (Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer))

I shall always do your bidding
Whatsoever you may ask,
Figure out when you’re just kidding,
Then perform the intended task.
It’s no hassle,
I’m your vassal,
Every wish of yours is mine.
I no longer have a spine.

You foresee our nation’s beauty,
I must make your dream come true;
Full obedience is my duty—
You will tell me what to do.
I won’t skimp it,
I’m a limpet,
My adhesion won’t abate.
I’ll be your invertebrate.

by Dan Campion

“You Wouldn’t Want to Butt Heads With This Small Dinosaur: A newly discovered raptor had a knobby bump on its head, suggesting that, like some larger dinosaurs, it engaged in competitive head bashing.”
—The New York Times

I wouldn’t want to butt heads with
A dinosaur of any size,
Nor with a human, nor a Sith,
Not for a payoff nor a prize,
As butting heads is not my forte.
Besides, I’d like to keep my wits,
And banging heads cuts reason short.
We see this each time Congress sits.

by Anne S. Reiner

“Trump: You can’t have guns.”
—The Wall Street Journal

A protest is no place for pistols—
if you aren’t ICE officials.

by Steven Kent

“Military Police Troops Put on Alert for Possible Deployment to Minnesota”
—The New York Times

“Trump Says U.S. ‘Armada’ Is Heading to Iran, Raising Pressure on Regime”
—The New York Times

Our troop diversions
Make it clear
Embattled Persians
Need not fear:
We’ll storm the beach
Both far and near
To guard free speech
(But fight it here).

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Primary school teacher banned after drinking can of beer in classroom…”
—The Independent

A man should not be teaching kids
Who doesn’t have the nous
To pour his brewski in a glass
And pass it off as juice.

by Marshall Begel

“Ex-KISS member Vinnie Vincent… is refusing to release what he calls the ‘greatest album of all time’ unless fans pay… $200 per song.”
—Syracuse.com

It seems the way to get ahead in
culture is the way
the landmark piece, “Guitarmaggedon”
makes its fans prepay.

Inspired, I wrote a work of art:
a parody, in rhyme,
too good for any rating chart—
the greatest of all time.

Before I let you celebrate
my artful expertise,
you must provide the standard rate
(in US dollars, please).

by Steven Kent

“Let’s turn the temperature down. Stop this campaign of retribution. This is not who we are.”
—MN Gov. Tim Walz on X

This isn’t who we are, it’s claimed,
A claim we must revisit.
We’re terrorized, we’re shot and maimed:
This isn’t who we are . . . or is it?

by Greg Beam

Healthcare, housing, safer schools—small asks.
But they would rather pay for men in masks.

by Kaitlyn Spees

“Warming temperatures are forcing Antarctic penguins to breed earlier and that’s a big problem for two of the cute tuxedoed species that face extinction by the end of the century, a study said. … The Adelie and chinstrap penguins are specialists, eating mainly krill. The gentoo have a more varied diet. They used to breed at different times, so there were no overlaps and no competition. But the gentoos’ breeding has moved earlier faster than the other two species and now there’s overlap. That’s a problem because gentoos, which don’t migrate as far as the other two species, are more aggressive in finding food and establishing nesting areas, [biologists] said.”
—NPR

(With apologies to Herrick)

Gobble down krill hordes while ye may;
The time to breed’s approaching.
Does it seem earlier? It is.
And gentoos are encroaching:

The rocks on which you built your nests
In prior years are teeming
With other penguins’ eggs and young—
It ought to leave you steaming.

The whole damn globe is heating up;
It’s getting warm and warmer.
And to outlast your neighbor you’ll
Just have to outperform ‘er.

So eat your krill and lay your eggs;
Raise chicks that show distinction,
Since otherwise your species risks
complete and sad extinction.

by Bruce Bennett

“A new study describes the first documented case of tool use by a cow.”
—The Washington Post

Veronika will scratch her back
and stomach with a brush.
It’s clear she has a special knack,
but are we in a rush

To claim that she is smart like us,
since won’t it then be rude,
and even likely cause a fuss,
when we see her as food?

by Viv Priestley

“’They saw them on their dishes when eating’: The mushroom making people hallucinate dozens of tiny humans”
—BBC

For Pat

This mushroom news should give us pause:
What other foods or drinks can cause
Consistent sights that aren’t there?

Could Diet Cokes and Big Macs be
The reason all our prez can see
Is “garbage” people everywhere?

by Chris O’Carroll

“He said, ‘Make sure you guys don’t cut the tape, make sure the interview is out in full.’ … He said, ‘If it’s not out in full, we’ll sue your ass off.’”
—White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt to CBS staffers

Every blither, every slither,
Every new or vintage lie,
Every grievance, every defense
For the crimes he plans to try,

All his racist, sexist rants,
Rehashed slights that make him whiny—
You had best air every minute
Or he’ll sue your sorry heinie.

by Julia Griffin

“Greenland says red lines [on sovereignty] must be respected as Trump says US will have ‘total’ access to island”
—The Guardian

(With apologies to Blake)

And did some cheat in ancient time
Rob the US of Land that’s Green?
And does that weak, woke NATO squad
Still think their whines are worth one bean?

And did this new crusade of mine
Engulf the news with threats of drills?
And did Jeff Epstein’s name disappear,
With all those dumb, Transparent bills?

I should have had that prize of gold,
Just like Obama’s only higher,
Not secondhand and four months old;
But since you robbed me, feel my ire:

I shall not cease from spouting spite
At Danes who’d block what I demand,
Till we succeed in sluicing them
From Greenland’s should-be ICE-y Land.

by Dan Campion

“[P]eople sometimes ask why our comedy show is all politics now. I would argue that politics is all comedy now. The politics—we didn’t come to them, they came to us.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

The Ouroboros twists around
To swallow its own tail.
Our politics squirm on the ground;
How could they ever fail
To swallow their own rattles? Laugh,
To see the circle close;
But keep in hand a sturdy staff
To rap it on the nose.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“How to pronounce Scotch whiskies like a true Scot”
—The Telegraph

Pronounce them like a true Scot would,
By drinking some and getting stewed.