“Speaker of the House Mike Johnson defended labeling [last] weekend’s ‘No Kings’ rallies opposing President Donald Trump as ‘hate America’ rallies, arguing that he was not referring to Democrats themselves but the message of the protesters.” —ABC
I can’t forget the grandmas’ hateful chanting About how they prefer democracy; The teachers who kept up their hateful ranting Re making every student safe and free; The moms and dads who hatefully hugged babies And sang with friends and cried a little too; But worst: a wiener dog (did it have rabies?) Dressed up in hateful red and white and blue.
“Police Break Up Lego Theft Ring, Recovering Hundreds of Beheaded Figurines: Officials said they had discovered tens of thousands of Lego pieces at a California home and arrested a man who trafficked in the stolen collectibles.” —The New York Times
They lost their heads. He kept them, safe and sound. Hundreds! The courts will certainly convict. You ask how this appalling scene was found? Cops followed up the clues till something clicked.
“[An Ohio bill declares] AI systems ‘nonsentient entities’ and [would] prevent them from gaining legalpersonhood. The bill… also makes it illegal for anyone to marry an AI system…” —Columbus Navigator
If AI’s not a legal person, prospects for my marriage worsen since my plans to marry Siri might entail a legal query.
So instead, I’ve reignited (thanks to Citizens United) courtship safe from such attacks: trading vows with Goldman Sachs.
“Wild bear pays surprise visit to bear enclosure at California zoo: ‘He was very polite’: Sequoia park zoo said staff were doing an inspection when they saw a wild black bear looking in at three captive bears” —The Guardian
Oh yes, you thought he was “polite,” no doubt; You found him quite the charmer, so refined, Having no clue what he was on about: Acquire some language and you’ll change your mind. Feeling himself entitled to intrude, He stood and stared at us, then scratched his head (A gesture evidently meant as rude), Opened his nasty, unwashed mouth, and said: Hee, hee, hee! Are you locked in safe and tight? I see they’ve pedicured your pretty feet! So tell me, is your porridge cooked just right? Who gets the widest quilt? The longest sheet? And finally he chortled, to his fleas: Let’s leave them to their Goldilocks-and-keys.
“‘Bored aliens’: has intelligent life stopped bothering trying to contact Earth?” —The Guardian
So, in our spiral galaxy Some aliens run free But are too bored to come and see What’s up in Kankakee? Yes, “radical mundanity” Sounds well-conceived, to me; As we are subject to ennui, Why wouldn’t ET be?
“Chinese woman swallows eight live frogs to ease back pain“ —The Telegraph
Reporters swarmed around the woman, questioning her why she swallowed frogs. She didn’t speak, distracted by a fly. They asked her how she found the perseverance to go through it, and why she thought eight frogs sufficed, but seven wouldn’t do it. Without a written statement, they assumed she would ad lib it, but when the woman cleared her throat, they only heard a “Ribbit.”
“Where once people were duped by soft-focus photos and borrowed chat-up lines, now they have to watch out for computer-generated charm.” —The Guardian
“Mon cher amour,” exhaled the dying Cyrano, “There’s something you must hear tonight before I go: The tender words, the praise—all absolutely true— The love—” Roxane cut in: “I know all that was you: You hid your love, I know, and I’m aware of why: It was your nose!” “No, no,” he wheezed; “’twas all AI! I started, yes, but, though I lasted quite a while, I somehow lost my knack for précieux courting style: I didn’t sound like Christian—good; his stuff was twee; But by degrees I found I didn’t sound like me. And so I asked a bot, “Do Cyrano!” It did; And no one knew (till now) the sum of what I hid. Adieu, amour!” Roxane sat dazed. That wit! Those rhymes! “I loved one man,” she sighed; “I’ve lost him now three times.”
“They’re literally, you walk over from Iran to Qatar. You can walk it in one second. You go ‘boom boom’ and now you’re in Qatar.” —A noted world traveler fantasizing about Middle East geography. In reality, Qatar’s only land border is with Saudi Arabia. Iran is more than 100 miles away across the Persian Gulf.
Step literally off Iran, sink, sputter Until (boom boom) you’re all washed up in Qatar.
Time’s cover, a shot from below, Is one the Chief wants us to know Is not to his liking, Although it is striking For what that odd angle can show
As sunlight plays tricks with his hair: That one thing he simply can’t bear! For him, worst of all, His “crown” is so small We won’t even know it is there.
“The Tory peer Zac Goldsmith has submitted a new swift brick amendment to the House of Lords [that would require new buildings to include hollow bricks that swifts can nest in]…” —The Guardian
When approached for a comment, a swift shook her head and appeared rather miffed. “All this government fuss. No one ever asked us! Bricks indeed. Now, a cave? That’s a gift!”
“A family court in the central Indian city of Bhopal is dealing with an unusual case of marital discord, where a couple who married less than a year ago is now seeking divorce reportedly because their pet dog and cat cannot get along.” —The Independent
Messily, pettily, partners in India seek a divorce in the hope it relieves
tensions developing interspecifically, clearly fed up with each other’s pet peeves.
“Parents list top skills and traits they want kids to learn before they leave home” —The Mirror
You want your kids to learn to climb the ladder, And learn to put away a goodly whack Of everything they earn to stop them claiming They can’t afford a house and moving back.
“More rice, bigger chairs and reinforced toilets: sumo wrestling comes to London” —The Guardian
When sumo comes to London’s Albert Hall, Enormity recalibrates all norms In weighty matters: toilets on the wall Get reinforced, big chairs are bought, and dorms Have stronger beds for crucial post-lunch naps— These beds must take the strain of quite a hulk, Yet manage for three hours to not collapse. Men apt to find their monolithic bulk Abruptly thrust upon close ringside seats To squash their biggest fans, inflate the charge That guarantees insurance cover meets Expenses from their surgeons’ ultra-large Repairs. But every ticket has been sold— So sumo wrestling’s worth its weight in gold!
