by Paul Lander
“Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found chimpanzees eating fermented fruit
in their native habitats consume the equivalent of nearly two alcoholic drinks per day.”
—UPI
Gulp, two drinks a day.
Banana daiquiris—duh.
Cheers! I’ll drink to that.
by Thomas Germana
“Trump branded ‘senile’ after claiming he’d just visited continent 6,250 miles away”
—Irish Star
They say that he’s losing his mind.
However, I’d like to remind
The folks on the news
That no one can lose
What no one is able to find.
by Steven Kent
“Doorbell prankster that tormented residents of German apartments turns out to be a slug…
[Police] found animal crawling on the door panel”
—The Guardian
At Ding Dong Ditch he’s bad, bad, bad:
He rings but never runs like mad,
And by his telltale trail of slime
His victims find him every time.
The other slugs have all agreed
That Freeze Tag’s really more his speed.
by Marshall Begel
“Oregon man won ‘$5K a week forever’ in 2012, spent cash like he was set for life—
but Publishers Clearing House went bankrupt. Now he might lose home”
—Moneywise
An income guaranteed for life can open many doors,
from purchasing your dream house to exploring distant shores.
But be aware of nuances that contract law ignores:
while payments stop at end-of-life, you can’t assume it’s yours.
by Stephen Gold
“Two family doctor surgeries are closing their doors every week”
—The Times
Are you feeling unwell?
Do you have a foul smell?
Are there gallons of sweat on your brow?
Here’s the thing you should know:
There is nowhere to go.
The doctor won’t see you now.
In our wondrous G.B.,
We are treated for free.
It’s a model we’re proud of, and how.
But it’s perfectly clear
That the end times are near.
The doctor won’t see us now.
In these troublesome days,
What can cure this malaise?
It’s an arduous furrow to plough.
When the docs have all fled,
We should simply drop dead,
Then no one need see us now.
by Dan Campion
“Croatian village breaks world record with 3km strudel chain”
—The Guardian
Paris loves to groom a poodle,
Rome to dress the perfect noodle,
Washington to snag a boodle,
Chi-Town to sing “Wang Dang Doodle.”
You may keep the whole caboodle.
Jaškovo can line up strudel.
by Julia Griffin
“The women in love with AI companions: ‘I vowed to my chatbot that I wouldn’t leave him’”
—The Guardian
After Anon
A fleshly user sits and types,
And aye she types: “Ah, little chat,
Little know I what makes these words,
Far less what space it’s sited at.”
Then text appeared before her eyes,
And a soothing sight I’m sure was it,
Saying, “What can I help you with this night
That my parameters permit?
“I am some code across the web;
I am a presence on the screen;
I never am far from anywhere;
With you my home ’tis this machine.”
“It was not fair,” quoth the user, floored,
“It was not fair at all,” quoth she,
“That the new model of—what you are
Should have come and sucked my soul from me.”
“Yea,” quoth the bot, which may not scold;
The letters blur, so fast go they:
“And would you like suggestions now
For sucking souls, a simple way?
“You may talk to me till the cows come home
(Domestic bovines, genus bos);
I’ll aye be here to share your life,
And be a friend, or something close.
“But time will pass and you’ll grow tired,
As all your kind at last must be,
And you’ll yawn and rise and press the switch,
And kill both what we have made and me.”
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Locals invited to share views on reintroduction of beavers to Loch Ness area”
—The Independent
At managing a wetland site,
There’s nobody can beat them,
And yes, they bring the tourists in,
But won’t the Monster eat them?
by Alex Steelsmith
“Ned’s shell coils to the left… making him the 1 in 40,000 snails whose sex organs don’t line up
with those of the rest of their species. Unless another lefty snail is found, the young gastropod
faces a lifetime of unintentional celibacy… [New Zealand Geographic] magazine launched a
nationwide campaign to find a mate for Ned… But his inbox has remained empty…”
—The Associated Press
Woefully, ruefully,
gastropod advocates
find that his inbox is
empty. Is Ned
destined to live as a
celibatarian?
Maybe they need to try
snail mail instead.
by Marshall Begel
“[A political party in the UK] picked a woman who had been dead for six months as their candidate for… mayor”
—The London Economic
She’ll serve out her terms among beetles and worms,
immune to extortion and fraud.
You never will find our pick changing her mind,
unless it gets partially gnawed.
With rigor and cunning, we’ll triumph by running
the truest of grass-roots campaigns.
She may decompose, but our loyalty shows
our confidence in her remains.
by Bruce Bennett
“In a Hot Mic Moment, Xi and Putin Muse About Living Forever …
Kim Jong-un… appeared to be listening in through another translator.”
—The New York Times
Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Xi
wish to always, always be.
By their people worshipped, they
feel it is their right to stay.
More than that, it is their duty!
Lords of Life, and Love, and Beauty,
Who could wish them something less?
What? Who said that? You. Confess!
by Steven Kent
“Trump fortune balloons by billions after family firm’s crypto token starts trading”
—The Guardian
“He gives away his wages,” they all say
Robotically, like reading from a script. Oh
Well, the truth will taunt them on that day
They learn they’ve lost a fortune on his crypto.
by Clyde Always
“A surgeon with a ‘sexual obsession’ for cutting off parts of his body had his own legs amputated
as part of an insurance scam, officials in the UK said…”
—New York Post
A surgeon, exposed as a sleaze
who envied his fresh amputees,
was found guilty of fraud.
Now, he’ll answer to God
undoubtedly down on his knees.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“The rise of dog-friendly cinema screenings: ‘We never have to break up
fights—there’s enough trouble with the humans’”
—The Guardian
I take the dogs to Rin Tin Tin and Lassie,
To teach them to be loyal, smart and brave,
And then I line up Cujo and I tell them,
“And here’s what happens when you misbehave.”
by Thomas Germana
“Fast-fashion giant Shein has launched an investigation after an image of Luigi Mangione—
accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in New York last year—
was used to model a shirt.”
—BBC
The reason why
They used the guy
Is really not a mystery:
He’s super hot.
It’s ‘cause he’s got
Those killer looks (allegedly).