by Bryan Hendrix

“Pence in a panic: Ex-veep begs for ‘even one dollar’
in bid to make GOP debate stage”
—NBC

(With apologies to Harburg and Gorney)

Once I was a VP
That was fun
Kissing butt like a schmuck
Once I was a VP
Now I’m done
MAGA, can you spare a buck?
Thought I should be POTUS
Thought I’d run
But I’m poop out of luck
Thought I’d find some voters
More than one
MAGA, can you spare a buck?
Once, in matching suits
Gee, we looked neat
Sharing that uppity Trumpety fame
Always in cahoots
Until we got beat
And folks with a noose yelled my name
Oh, get over this hate stage
Geez Louise
I mean, hey, what the cluck
Put me on the debate stage
Pretty please
MAGA, can you spare a buck?

by Chris O’Carroll

“‘There’s a 100% chance that Twitter is going to get sued over this by somebody,’ said trademark attorney
Josh Gerben, who said he counted nearly 900 active U.S. trademark registrations that already cover the letter X
in a wide range of industries.”
—Reuters

Musk has Xed the tweeting bluebird.
Twitter now is X’s ex-name.
Watch the feathers fly in court as
Rivals play the trademarked X game.

by Julia Griffin

“’My life is beautiful’: Felix Klieser, who plays the horn with his toes,
on making his Proms debut”
—The Guardian

“To play the horn you must have hands!”
It seemed a final put down,
But Felix (how, none understands)
Just smiled and put his foot down.

With patient skill he flexed each toe
And tamed that brassy helix;
Now all the cognoscenti go
To pack the Proms for Felix.

He lives his life with sheer delight;
His fame is lightly worn,
Though Heaven knows he’s won the right
To tootle his own horn.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Ukraine wants ships to keep exporting its grain despite Russian attacks. …
[This year, Ukraine has] shipped 32.9 million metric tons of grain to the world
and supplied 80% of the World Food Program’s wheat for humanitarian aid…”
—AP

Despite the war, they ship the wheat
and barley many millions eat;
the world is counting on Ukraine,
but Russia goes against the grain.

by Coleman Glenn

“Room-temperature superconductor ‘breakthrough’ met with scepticism:
Creating a material that perfectly conducts electricity at room temperature and pressure
would be a big deal, but a research team’s claims of creating one has attracted more scrutiny than optimism.”
—New Scientist

“So superconductors now needn’t be frosty
Nor crave enough pressure to flatten a car
Nor be too exclusively super high-costy?
What absolute rubbish!” says Lydia Tár.

by Max Gutmann

“Italians … denounce a court verdict clearing a [man] of a sexual assault charge for groping …
because it only lasted ‘around five to 10 seconds.’”
—AP

You can drop the Ciao, bella!
Reach out a bit, fella.
In Italy, grope her; it’s fine
as long as each second
is carefully reckoned.
Just count, and stop touching at 9.

If you do, then the law’s
on your side: there’s no cause
for complaint. This new ruling’s a doozy.
Stop at nine and you’ll thrive.
(If you stay under five,
then you don’t even gotta say “Scusi”!)

by Julia Griffin

“In Phoenix, 18 days of extreme heat with no end in sight”
—The New York Times

The bird nests down in blazing heat
And burns; and then—regenesis!
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

Let’s hope the Greeks were right in this.

by Chris O’Carroll

“While [President] Johnson had The Great Society, Joe Biden has Build Back Better, [Rep.] Greene said,
describing it as: ‘The largest public investment in social infrastructure and environmental programs
that is actually finishing what FDR started that LBJ expanded on.’”
—Independent

“Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) briefly sent Wednesday’s House Oversight hearing into chaos
when she displayed nude photos of President Joe Biden’s son Hunter engaging in sexual activities…”
—Daily Beast

Marjorie Taylor Greene makes sure
The song of the Bidens gets sung:
Joe’s like Johnson and FDR,
And Hunter is totally hung.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A collection of craniums… 2000 mummified rams’ heads [unearthed by archaeological researchers]
may have been an offering to Egypt’s Ramses II…”
—National Geographic

History mystery,
mummified crania
waited millennia,
buried like yams.

Maybe it isn’t an
archaeological
shocker: for Ramses, they
sacrificed rams.

Prominent, dominant
ancient authorities
dictated, “No other
creatures will do.

“Gods are appeased by our
etymologically
accurate offerings;
Ramses is ll.”

by Nora Jay

“The nonagenarian great-grandfather [Jim Arrington] spoke about how he has achieved
a level of physical fitness which is superior to that of many people more [sic] than half his age
in an interview [with] Guinness World Records, which first recognized him as the planet’s oldest bodybuilder in 2015.”
—The Guardian

Bow down, you youthful lazies!
When Jim, the true great-grand,
Starts pushing up the daisies,
He’ll push them with one hand.

by Marshall Begel

“Bird Owner Gets Surprise Police Visit After His Loud Parrot Is Mistaken for a Screaming Woman”
—People

We know that parrots imitate
The sounds that they have heard,
And even can approximate
Events that have occurred.

So when a parrot screams so well
That cops cannot discern it,
You’d think they’d ask the man, “Pray tell,
How did the parrot learn it?”

by Clyde Always

“Woman is ‘humbled’ when Hinge date asks to pop her pimple”
—Independent

This fella I’m seeing—
he isn’t too fussy.
When asked why he likes me,
he answered: “You’re pussy.”

by Dan Campion

“This fossil of a mammal biting a dinosaur captures a death battle’s final moments
‘Our best guess is that the mammal was in the middle of attacking the dinosaur,’ says…
one of the authors of the new study…”
—NPR

Cretaceous-era mammals dueled
With dinosaurs? It figures.
Our class of creatures is well schooled
In rashness and hair triggers.

by Stephen Gold

“Lawyers openly seeking extramarital affairs via online dating sites have been warned
they could ruin their careers.”
—The Times

Are you thinking of resorting
To imprudent forms of courting?
As a person of distinction at the bar,
Pause a moment, have a care,
And above all, be aware
Of the risk your name may soon be black as tar.

For if you’re the kind of louse
Who likes cheating on your spouse,
In the smug belief that nobody will know,
You’ll be in for a surprise,
And precipitous demise,
When your private life goes publicly on show.

I commend you these beliefs:
Lawyers, stay inside your briefs!
Don’t succumb to the temptations of flirtation.
Spurn the siren call of lust,
Lest disintegrating trust
Leads directly to disgust—and litigation.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Brits are ‘too poor to die’ as funeral fees rocket”
—Mirror

At first they said I’m too poor to retire,
And now they say I’m too poor to expire.

So what am I supposed to tell the Reaper?
“I’m sorry, but the fees have gotten steeper.”