by Marshall Begel

“Agency workers turn [invasive] carp into double agents by capturing them, implanting transmitters
and tossing them back. … Carp often clump in schools in the spring and fall. Armed with the traitor
carp’s location… anglers can head to that spot, drop their nets and remove multiple [invasive] fish
from the ecosystem.”
—Associated Press

I’ve gathered together the carp of our shoal
Because I suspect we are hiding a mole!

I don’t think that I’m overstating the threat—
There’s too many times we’ve encountered the net.

Now, Hook-Lip, I’m confident you’re not the spy.
I’ve swum next to you since before we were fry!

The Silver-Fin Brothers may have their own school,
But that doesn’t make them a fisherman’s tool.

Antenna-Head, here, has been scouting around,
But says there aren’t obvious clues to be found.

So keep alert—it’d be a shame if we built a
Community just to be ground to gefilte!

by Dan Campion

“Can we grow veggies on Mars? Fly larvae and synthetic soil may hold the answer”
—NPR

Can we grow veggies on Mars?
Of course we can; we’re Ceres’ stars.
To help us not starve, we
Just need some fly larvae
Plus payloads of pint mason jars.

by Alex Steelsmith

“[Amazon] says its Prime customers can now get quick access to a health care provider…”
—AP

Happily,
Amazon
tells us that
they’re

offering
customers
Prime-ary
care.

by Steven Kent

“Orcas Sink Fourth Boat Off Iberia, Unnerving Sailors”
—The New York Times

Call me Ishmael. Sure, okay,
Whatever, dude—just tend the sail.
Captain swears at last today
We’re finally gonna catch that whale.
Ahab’s not all there, you know,
But me, I never make a fuss.
Ish, man, what’s that noise below?
Oh God, the whale is chasing us!

by Helen Ksypka

“Lion escapes from [Italian] circus and roams the streets leaving locals terrified…”
—Metro News

Escaping from the circus roamed a lion, close to Rome,
deciding Ladispoli was the town that he’d call home.
He strutted while he salivated. Flocks of people fled.
“Lock your doors and windows. Mamma mia, we’ll be dead!”

The citizens misunderstood the presence of this beast
by thinking he was hunting them as targets for his feast.
The lion had no hunger for the folks in Ladispoli.
His roar was for risotto with a side of ravioli.

by Philip Kitcher

“’It never ends’: the book club that spent 28 years reading Finnegans Wake …
This November they started back again on page three.”
—The Guardian

Some years ago, we set our course along the riverrun;
for nearly fifteen hundred weeks, we’ve read without a break.
A clever crossmess parzel can bring endless hours of fun.
The best thing in our reading lives turns out to be … our Wake!

Both HCE and ALP have triggered fits of glee;
some chuckled most at Shaun the Post, and some at Shem the Pen.
We’re trapped in Vico’s cycles, and we cannot wriggle free.
What next to read to meet our need? … Let’s feast on Finn, again!

by Julia Griffin

“French police foil €600k champagne theft after high-speed chase”
—The Guardian

In a week of such hideous trouble,
With half the world blasted to rubble,
How sweet to obtain
Crazy tales of champagne!
I’m taking this fizz for my bubble.

by S. Mary Strand

“Botox, fake loans and lies: Key takeaways from House Ethics investigation into George Santos”
—CNN

Splurging for creams at Sephora? You bet!
And popping to Vegas to play some roulette.
An Airbnb in the Hamptons and such
For the duly elected is not asking much.
Why should he pay for his Botox and tans,
His fine Hermes scarves, or his choice Only Fans?
Let the man practice the self-care he needs
While he lies to and bites every last hand that feeds.
George Santos is smart to be living the dream!
You haters just wish you had thought of this scheme.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Stafford man to climb Kilimanjaro with fridge on [his] back”
—BBC

Couldn’t he just have brought a case of beer,
And stuck it in the snow? It’s there all year.

by Eddie Aderne

“Four years ago, a fully functioning 18-karat gold toilet [named “America”] was stolen from an art
exhibition at Blenheim Palace, the birthplace of Winston Churchill. On Monday, Britain’s Crown
Prosecution Service announced that it had authorized charges against four men [James Sheen, Michael
Jones, Fred Doe, and Bora Guccukin] in connection with the theft of the golden loo…”
—The New York Times

Four dauntless souls, James, Michael, Fred, and Bora,
Attracted by its luminescent aura,
Removed the world’s most costly water closet,
Without permission, or the least deposit.
The hunt that this inspired was quite extended:
It took four years, with much expense expended,
To catch the men who stole the belle of Blenheim,
But now we’ve charged and are about to pen ’em.
“Pecunia non olet,”* quoth Vespasian.
Today we’re of a different persuasion.

*Money does not stink

by Steven Kent

“Vatican Deems Bigger Church Role for Women ‘Urgent,’ but Postpones Major Issues”
—The New York Times

Another synod brooks no deviation
From androcentric Church discrimination;
Though cleric rolls cry out for augmentation,
Equality gets no consideration.
We need more priests, but women’s consecration?
They’re only [checks notes] half the population.

by Claudia Gary

“National Zoo Pandas Leaving D.C. For China—Ending A Program Nixon Started 51 Years Ago”
—Forbes

(With apologies to John Denver)

All our toys are packed, our bamboo too,
we’re standin’ here inside the zoo;
you can’t get in the gates until we’ve gone.
Our diplomatic tour is through;
you’ll sigh for us, and we for you—
or not—but oh, our lives will tumble on.

[REFRAIN] You’ve praised us and feted us,
built us playgrounds, petted us,
televised our privatest of times.
You’ve captured every noise of us,
made foods and clothes and toys of us,
plus hats and mugs that cost a lot of dimes.

They’ve packed us in a Fedex crate
that’s fitting for affairs of State;
we and our cub are feeling tightly wound.
On normal days we ambulate
and ruminate and cogitate,
but this fine day we’re getting off the ground.

[REFRAIN] From Ling-Ling to Xiao Qi Ji,
we’ve enjoyed your company,
keeping you, our visitors, amused,
while keepers and scientists
guided us through storms and mists
till somehow we had cubs. (We’re so confused.)

So many times you watched for us
to jump and run, but that’s not us.
Oh listen, please, it doesn’t mean a thing!
We never did you any harm;
we’re nonchalant and full of charm:
just roll downhill and saunter ’round a ring.

[REFRAIN] You’ve seen us on Panda Cam
in wintertime, our little fam
frolicking and sliding in the snow.
But soon we will be released
to join our cousins in the East
where, at last, we’ll find out what they know.

…We’re leaving on a jet plane.
You know we won’t be back again.
Great bamboo calls; we’re good to go.
We’re good to go!

by Clyde Always

“Doctors use breast implants to save lung transplant patient who nearly died from vaping”
—New York Post

There once was a man from Missouri
who vaped ‘til his lungs were a slurry.
His surgical nurse
thought the doc was perverse
when he called for “two D-cups—and hurry!”

by Ruth S. Baker

“Scientists have rediscovered a long-lost species of mammal [Attenborough’s long-beaked echidna],
described as having the spines of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater and the feet of a mole,
in Indonesia’s Cyclops Mountains more than 60 years after it was last recorded.”
—The Guardian

Spines of a hedgehog and snout of an anteater, charm of the devil and feet of a mole:
Long-Beaked Echidna, O dear little Attenborough, friend of the Cyclops, adorable troll:
Decades we’ve sought you through all Oceania; now you consent to appear to our sight.
Learn from this, Scientists: master your mania, don’t kid echidna, and all will come right.

by Dan Campion

“Room-temperature superconductor study retracted by Nature”
—Phys.org

Just one more study in the sack?
A wisp of superstring,
Since Nature (no itals) takes back,
Let’s face it, everything.