by Barbara Loots

“Here’s a pre-new year prediction: In stores around the nation, children—and their parents—
will stand in line to sit on Santa’s lap and beg him to bring them a different presidential race.”
—Gail Collins in The New York Times

Dear Santa,
When you come this year
we hope you’ll pack your sleigh
with common sense and candidates
prepared to save the day.
The Constitution’s getting old
and looks a little sick—
please send some clever elves to heal
the body politic.
If you’ll bring human rights for all,
we’ll wish for nothing more
and dump the naughty girls and boys
in 2024.

by Iris Herriot

“Colorado thieves ask for lesser charge because items they stole were on sale”
—The Guardian

The stuff that we stole was on sale,
Reducing the incident’s scale:
When profits are leaner,
It’s just “misdemeanor”;
We saved a nice sum for our bail.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Menu signed by Mao Zedong brings a quarter million dollars at auction”
—AP

Biggledy-wiggledy,
China’s economy
once had a communist
chairman named Mao;

now his mere signature’s
marketability
brings in a boatload of
capital. Wao.

by Julia Griffin

“Romeo and Juliet, two elderly manatees, get a happy ending
For months, Romeo, a sexagenarian manatee, spent his days alone swimming in circles in a
small tank at a Miami aquarium. Stuck in another tank was Juliet, also in her 60s, along with a
third manatee. … [A] team of veterinarians and animal care specialists this week transported
Romeo, Juliet and the other manatee, Clarity, to new homes at ZooTampa and SeaWorld in
Orlando, two animal critical care facilities.”
—The Washington Post

Two manatees (plus one, to be exact)
From fair Miami (not completely fair)
Have gone to find the freedom that they lacked,
And also proper veterinary care.
Hauled up, then down, with special cranes and cranks,
Soothed into crates (the best that science boasts),
They’ve zoomed upcoast: zoophilites, give thanks!
ZooTampa and SeaWorld are now their hosts.
There they may swim in something more like seas,
And we can feel a certain righteous glow;
Thank manatees, humanity’s at ease:
For never was a story of less woe
Than this of Romeo and his Juliet!
(And also Clarity, let’s not forget.)

by Dan Campion

“Food-dunking parrots reveal humans are not alone in preferring snacks soggy”
—The Guardian

I do not like a soggy snack.
I want a cracker snappy.
What Polly does takes me aback.
So what? It makes her happy.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“This is the perfect bum shape, according to science”
—Metro

The optimal butt measurements for males
Had not been well defined, until five glute
Enhancers’ would-be patients picked the tails
On photographs of males they found most cute.
Posterior analysis laid bare
The perfect bum. Two thirds as high as wide,
Its forward angle from the crack to where
Male buttocks start was sixty. From the side,
Ass overhang was perfect when it spanned
Less than a fifth of height … The bottom line:
Beholders plumped for moderation and,
Untouched by surgeons’ knives, your cheeks define
The best for you—but if they’re redesigned,
The tailor’s is the cut to get behind!

by Jerome Betts

“Palm trees that have welcomed visitors to the ‘English Riviera’ for a century
have been cut down without warning in an act that residents have described as
‘pure vandalism’. The felling in Torquay, Devon, has provoked a furious public
outcry and accusations that the council has wrought a ‘soul-destroying’, ‘total
destruction’ of the seaside front.”
—The Guardian

Are the Tories now quite off their chumps?
They’ve created a seafront of stumps!
Is lack of change always embalming?
What’s behind such a drastic depalming?
Torquay grieves for trees, centenarians,
Foully felled by the council barbarians!

by Philip Kitcher

“College Presidents slammed…”
“Karl Rove rips Hunter Biden…”
“KJP blows up when pressed…”
“Paige Spiranac fires back…”
“Republicans blast Biden…”
“Tim Allen slammed by ‘The Santa Clauses’ co-star”
—Fox News Headlines

Lamestream media’s silence may charm.
Here at Fox, we must sound the alarm.
For we think it’s high time
People learned about crime,
And the rate of Gross Bodily Harm.

by Clyde Always

“An Aberdeen Angus cow… was born with an extra leg growing from his forehead,
which saved him from going to the slaughterhouse.”
—PetHelpful

Boeuffity-hoofity!
Aberdeen Anguses,
bred for their flesh on which
gladly we sup,

envy their fellow whose
cephalomelia
spared him from slaughter (he
had a leg up).

by Nora Jay

“Trump offers scraps of his indictment outfit for $4,699.53 a pop …
The suit, according to the website description, is ‘the most historically significant
artifact in United States history’.”
—The Guardian

Big year-end sale! Step up and beat the crowd!
Behold, complete with holy orange gloss,
Relics™! Forget the Turist Shroud;
That’s so last year, likewise the Truthy Cross.
This is the biggest bargain in the States—
A prize for all who faithfully believe;
Your cut-rate scrap of history awaits,
It won’t cost you an arm to share my sleeve!
Tie-snippets not included in the price.
(You want to haggle? Sorry, folks. No dice.)

by Steven Kent

“This Christmas, ‘Whamageddon’ Will Save You From Tears…
The goal: To go as long as possible without hearing the 1984
Wham! song ‘Last Christmas’ before Christmas Day.'”
—The New York Times

As teens we chose to be defined
By music. Each and every kind
Had fans who their devotion swore
To certain singers evermore.

The world is very different now,
But frankly I just don’t see how
A love of music brings us cheer
That’s based on songs we didn’t hear.

by Marshall Begel

(With apologies to C. C. Moore)

It’s the week before Christmas and, just like a louse,
I’ve bought presents for no one, not even my spouse.
While there’s overnight shipping, and places to dash,
I’ve decided that this year—they’re all getting cash!

I’ve seen many a gift that I’ve given before
get forgotten, unused in the cutlery drawer.
Or the gadget that’s advertised tough as concrete—
By the time that it’s needed, it’s gone obsolete!

So now kids get a Benjamin, grandkids a Grant,
And a Jackson or two for each uncle and aunt.
There’s no money for children too little to follow it.
Plus, with my luck, they would probably swallow it.

You can keep your soy candles and musical tie,
And return that contraption that claims to air “fry.”
For you know any present that isn’t straight cash
Is just counting the days till it’s tossed in the trash.

by Bruce McGuffin

January 1

So here we are, it’s New Year’s Day,
Another year has gone away.
Let’s all sleep in, have brunch, and then
Go make the same mistakes again.

December 31

So here we are, it’s New Years Eve,
The year is done, it’s time to leave.
Tomorrow we’ll sleep in and then
Go make the same mistakes again.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Authentic” was selected as the 2023 word of the year by the Merriam-Webster dictionary…”
—NPR

“Oxford’s 2023 Word of the Year is ‘rizz.’ Dictionary publisher Oxford University Press defines the viral term,
which is short for charisma, as ‘someone’s ability to attract another person through style, charm, or attractiveness.'”
—People

Every Miss, Mr., Mrs., or Ms.
Is aware that I ain’t got no rizz.
I’m authentic this year,
So I’m feeling no fear,
For my rizzlessness is what it is.

by S. Mary Strand

“Male Mosquitoes May Have Once Sucked Blood, Amber Fossils Suggest…
Female mosquitoes have strong proboscises that can puncture the skin of animals… .
Male mosquitoes, on the other hand, do not—with their weaker mouth anatomy, they only
feed on plant juices. But… researchers report finding two prehistoric male mosquitoes,
trapped in amber, with piercing mouthparts similar to those of modern females.”
—Smithsonian

The hematophagous mosquito that bites us—
bestows itchy welts, spreads disease, and incites us
to fury—is female! The male just slurps nectar.
His more flaccid snout is a feeble collector.
But males trapped in amber reveal in a study
They once enjoyed meals that were equally bloody.
Could drugs turn the clock back? Perhaps like the phallus
The hose would firm up with a dose of Cialis!