by Dan Campion

“Academy of American Poets receives its largest-ever donation”
—NPR

Fewer garrets, gutters, flops:
More bards can pay their rent!
Five-point-seven million tops
The four-point-five just spent!

Not since FDR was prez
Has US poets’ friend
Enjoyed such largess, and it says
It’s in the mood to spend.

So, line up, Laureates, don’t wait;
The snows of yesteryear
Melt quickly. Bang your old tin plate
And pray the grantors hear!

by Steven Kent

“‘This should not be ridiculed’: The link between hypochondria and early death”
—The Guardian

Today I’m feeling all reflective
Based upon my new perspective.
Friends and fam I now see mourning
Disregarded every warning.
Tears and laughter as they grieve me—
Wish they’d chosen to believe me.
Sympathies expressed? They’re on it.
(Told them I was sick, doggone it!)

by Alex Steelsmith

“The planet Uranus reportedly smells of flatulence due to the presence of hydrogen sulfide
in its upper atmosphere, a study found.”
—Chron

Serious
scientists
sound a bit
crass

saying Ur-
anus has
terrible
gas.

by Julia Griffin

“’We won world wars out of forts,” [ex-President Trump] said at an event
in Rochester, New Hampshire. “Fort Benning, Fort This, Fort That, many forts.
They changed the name, we won wars out of these forts, they changed the name,
they changed the name of the forts. A lot of people aren’t too happy about that.’”
—HuffPost

We won our World Wars out of forts, many forts:
Fort Michie, Fort Ritchie, and forts of all sorts;
Forts Benning and Snelling, where heroes were at;
But best of them all were Fort This and Fort That.

Our enemies, lots of bad enemies, say
It scared them to hear of Fort Jay and Fort Ray;
Fort Petrie would petrify enemies’ ears;
But those two Fort Pronouns brought Hitler to tears.

And now we’re renaming them, changing the name.
Whatever they’re called, it will not be the same,
And folks aren’t too happy, they’re going to miss
The world-warring sounds of Fort That and Fort This.

by Steven Kent

“Reinventing the eel: First lab-grown eel meat revealed”
—The Guardian

Tofu burger? Sounds low-fat.
Turkey sausage? I’d try that.
Fake crab sushi? Well, hello.
Test-tube eel meat? No, no, no!

by Stephen Gold

“Potty-mouthed parrots rehoused to clean up their language”
—The Times

This is Tyson, an African Grey,
And perpetual cause of dismay.
It is hard not to scowl
At this foulest of fowl
Squawking smut every hour of the day.

So we’ve put him with birds better bred,
In the hope they’ll get into his head.
Though today they were shocked,
When he told them, “Get flocked!”
(And that wasn’t the worst thing he said.)

We regret he’s just one of a group
That loves swooping around talking poop.
The same fate now awaits
These disorderly mates—
Though we’re thinking about parrot soup!

by Nora Jay

“Britain’s media has reacted with fury and bewilderment after a US scientist
claimed the perfect cup of tea is made with a pinch of added salt.”
—CNN

She’s but a Yank. It’s not her fault.
For her advice about a brew—
To take it with a pinch of salt—
That’s just what I intend to do.

by Marshall Begel

“DeSantis Appears to Misattribute [‘courage to continue’] Quote to Churchill
as He Drops Out of Primary”
—The New York Times

“Winston Churchill’s wartime false teeth are up for sale”
—CNN

Failing to secure his votes,
Ron resorts to phony quotes—

Sheds façade of grit and sinew,
Bungles meaning of ‘continue,’

Falls to slight intimidation,
Bends his knee in subjugation—

Shows what truly lies beneath:
Courage false as Churchill’s teeth.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“There was very little free speech at Harvard—the Foundation for Individual Rights
and Expression ranked it last of all colleges last year. …”
—The Wall Street Journal

“A Florida school district is pulling nearly 2,000 books from its shelves—
including some dictionaries and encyclopedias”
—Axios

Right and left can’t seem to see
There’s a way that they agree:
From the classroom to the dorm,
All opinion must conform.

by Bruce Bennett

“’We wouldn’t have civilizations if we didn’t create groups. We are designed to form groups,
and the only way to define a group is there has to be someone who’s not in it,’…”
—The Washington Post

“It’s Us or Them, you idiot! Of course
we hate that Other, since he is the source
of Every Evil. As, no doubt, are you,
who tries to tell us this. We hate you too!”

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Amateur archaeologist discovers bizarre Roman object that has baffled for centuries”
—Independent

“12 sides, 100 theories: what was the Roman dodecahedron really for?”
—The Times

Our forebears, who had impish Roman minds,
Left old dodecahedra in the ground.
Dig experts, who seek purpose in such finds,
Doubt any known hypothesis is sound:
Old candleholders? No. Old Rome used oil.
Dice made for gambling? No. They wouldn’t roll.
Et cetera … These objects, rife in soil,
Could earn no mention in a Roman scroll.
An oversight of scholars? Maybe. Or,
Had Romans pranked posterity instead,
Endowing it with objects solely for
Discreetly messing with an expert’s head,
Repaying nosy future diggers well
Ahead of time? There’s just no way to tell!

by Dan Campion

“Chemists Have Just Tied The Tightest Knot Ever, Made of Just 54 Atoms”
—ScienceAlert

The latest news in chemistry
Brings Boy Scout knots straight back to me.
Though Brobdignagian in size,
The trusty Boy Scout square knot ties
Most things, and for what gaps there are
Scouts have a hefty repertoire
Of bowlines, hitches, and sheepshanks.
Dear chemists, for these memories: Thanks!
Your microscopic knot, drawn tight,
Unloosed free ends long lost to sight.

by Simon MacCulloch

“Towns in England with crumbling water infrastructure are being ‘besieged’ by hundreds of trucks full of sewage.”
—i

Now the pipelines have started to fray
I expect we shall soon see the day
When we do what we do
In a travelling loo
And the garbage truck tows it away.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Patrick Mahomes’ broken helmet ‘did its job’ [the manufacturer says.
When the helmets clashed] a fist-sized chunk went flying from Mahomes’ helmet
just above the facemask… ‘It’s something that’s cool,’ [he said…] ‘I was perfectly fine after.’”
—NBC News

Crackily, whackily,
helmet technology
clearly succeeds when it
fails, say reports.

Though it seems logically
self-contradictory,
surely the news is a
breakthrough of sorts.

by Marshall Begel

“A message beamed into space invites aliens to visit Lexington, Kentucky”
—The Washington Post

Attention, all alien tourists of space:
Let Lexington be your terrestrial base!

You’ll cut fancy circles on golf’s premier courses
And probe the behinds of award-winning horses.

To meet with our leaders or plan an invasion,
Our conference center hosts any occasion.

So whether your business is world-wide destruction
Or merely a casual beam-up abduction,

You’ll thank your home stars for becoming so lucky
You landed your saucer in scenic Kentucky!