by Dan Campion
The news is overwhelming, no?
I’m sure all readers feel it’s so.
But think of Aristophanes,
The dean of wartime comedies,
And Margaret Dumont and Groucho,
Freedonia’s patroness and gaucho,
Brecht, Shaw, Kubrick, Country Joe,
Joe Heller, Twain, Bierce, Chaplin, Fo—
Of all the choruses who wore
Wry faces in the face of war.
And never doubt the force of wit
To hug that beast and throttle it.
by Julia Griffin
“Speaker McCarthy ousted in historic House vote…”
—AP
After Herbert Kretzmer
Speaker of the House, frantic for the job,
Clinging to my gavel till my fingers throb;
Cut a little deal, anything’ll do,
Sticking to the office like epoxy glue,
Teaming up with all who’ll have me,
Keeping scruples safe on ice;
What good are friends? I hate ’em;
Eight dumb votes, I’m pitched from Paradise!
Speaker of the House, shafted by the Fates,
Decommissioned, courtesy of Mad Matt Gaetz,
GOP forgets how I saved its rump,
Hammering those rioters but lauding Trump:
Everybody’s least-worst option,
Everybody’s empty suit;
Just mark my words verbatim:
Eight dumb votes, you all could get the boot!
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“The first baby beaver born in London for 400 years has been caught on camera…
helping its parents build their dam.”
—LondonWorld
I thought we’d said good riddance to the days
When little children barely out their prams
Were put to work in mines and factories,
But now there’s baby beavers building dams?
I hope the press and public have a fit,
And force the legislation to the test.
If one employer gets away with it,
It opens up the floodgates to the rest.
by Paul Lander
It’s such a damn mess
It will need to change its name
From X to VI.
by Alex Steelsmith
“[Footage] appears to show a Russian soldier ranting about ‘brand new’ tank shells that arrived with no explosives
in them… Throughout the video, the commander can be heard repeatedly cursing in Russian…”
—Business Insider
Kremliny gremliny,
failing artillery
causes morale to be
lower than nil;
bombs and commanders work
interdependently.
One won’t explode? Then the
other one will.
by Iris Herriot
“Tom Hanks says AI version of him used in dental plan ad without his consent”
—The Guardian
Tom Hanks cuts the dentists no slack:
“That ad,” he demands, “take it back!
I’d have to be mental
To talk up your dental:
And no, I’m refusing your plaque.”
by Steven Kent
“California county abuzz after far-right figure appointed for mosquito control”
—The Guardian
Them skeeters is bad, boys! You seen
How they swarm and annoy us, I mean.
But now listen: You’ll find
That Bill Gates is behind
‘Em—their sting is a secret vaccine!
by Dan Campion
“Voting is now officially open in the 2023 Fat Bear Week competition, celebrating
the ability of brown bears to pack on weight for their hibernation cycle in Alaska.”
—NPR
The candidates are gluttons, sure,
But they need no excuse:
Bears sleep for months, in dreams of pure,
Fresh salmon, berry juice,
And honey.
Politicians grub,
Meanwhile, for votes and cash,
The truffles of their tony club,
Where sweet dreams go to crash.
by Alex Steelsmith
“A Danish artist has been ordered to repay a museum after delivering blank canvases… titled Take the Money and Run …
[The museum had loaned the artist, Jens Haaning, about $76,400.] ‘I am shocked …’ [Haaning says, claiming] he doesn’t have
the money to repay the museum. … ‘It… also puts me in an unmanageable situation where I don’t really know what to do.'”
—NPR
Flimmery flammery,
Jens the blank canvas man
takes all the money and
runs to the bank.
Told to repay it, he
stays right in character,
opportunistically
drawing a blank.
by Julia Griffin
“A famous tree that has stood sentinel on Britain’s Roman-built Hadrian’s Wall for more than 200 years
has been ‘deliberately felled’ in what authorities have called an ‘act of vandalism.’”
—CNN
How, Sycamore, you shone, from root to crown!
How sick a moron chose to hack you down.
by Chris O’Carroll
“I swirled a Vermentino-Moscato blend that looked like apple juice and tasted wild and metallic, like beautiful gasoline.”
—Restaurant critic Helen Rosner
To complement the finest food,
Decant yourself some light, sweet crude.
Enjoy a quaff untamed and bold,
A hearty mouthful of black gold.
Nothing can make the taste buds hum
Quite like piquant petroleum.
Refined as petrol or as gas,
This is the good stuff. Fill your glass.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“Trump Tells Gun Store He’d Like to Buy a Glock, Raising Legal Questions”
—The New York Times
Perhaps it will come as a shock
That Trump wants to purchase a Glock.
But it’ll be worse
If he opts to disburse
Such weapons to all of his flock.
by Marshall Begel
Amid worsening relations with India, Canada has been “urging citizens to ‘exercise a high degree of caution’ in their travel to [India].”
—Reuters
For years we Americans exercised fraud
To act as Canadian tourists, abroad.
We hid behind flags of the red maple leaf,
Avoiding debate and political beef.
But India no longer grants them that waiver,
So counterfeit methods might work in their favor:
Just stitch on an oversized patch of Old Glory
And (like true Americans) never say “sorey”!
by Katherine Barrett Swett
“Insofar as the women, just none of them were as articulate enough
on the intellectual level.”
—Rolling Stone co-founder Jan Wenner, on why he chose only white men
for his book on rock’s ‘masters.’
Chauvinist-Piggledy,
Wenner the arbiter?
He prefers rock stars who
Think like a man.
Women don’t cut it as
Superarticulate.
Superironically
Neither does Jan.
—Cleopatra, Antony and Cleopatra, 1.2.79
by Susan McLean
“[T]he internet is… ablaze with references to Rome and the large amount of space that the empire presently
takes up in every dudebro’s head. … Why is there a new cult following of ancient Rome? Why now?”
—MSNBC
Nostalgic for intrepid days
when men were men, and girls stayed home,
admiring Caesar’s ruthless ways,
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
They picture marching with armed men
or racing in the hippodrome
(not toiling with the field slaves) when
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
Their breastplates gleam, their cloaks are red,
their statues white as Styrofoam.
Longing to lead and to be led,
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
Training with swords to fight and die,
or whispering in a catacomb,
daring, resolved, and semper fi—
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
Their wished-for glory is full of holes
as gaping as the Pantheon dome,
but manly yearnings shake their souls.
They close their eyes and think of Rome.