by Kaitlyn Spees

“Today, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Vowst, the first fecal microbiota product that is taken orally.
Vowst is approved for the prevention of recurrence of Clostridioides difficile (C. difficile) infection (CDI)
in individuals 18 years of age and older, following antibacterial treatment for recurrent CDI.”
—FDA

Wowily Bowelly
CDI sufferers
Hope their gut anguish is
Finally done.

Scoff though folks may about
Palatability,
Finally C. diff’s the
One on the run.

by Julia Griffin

(with thanks to the Master)

“A statue of Sabrina and a memorial to Capability Brown at Croome is covered in blue crayon.”
—BBC News

Sabrina blue,
Listen where thou art sprawling
Over a graceful, pseudo-Roman scene,
Recovering from the appalling
Behaviour of the litter-dropping crew:
Listen to the cleaners’ prayer,
Goddess of graffiti’d hair,
Hear and come clean!

Listen and accept our hymn,
In the name of Zud and Vim,
By the power of brush and sponge,
Honoured long for scouring grunge,
By descaling alkaline,
Through whose power great bath tubs shine,
By hydroxides, scourge of tar,
And immortal vinegar,
Followed up by faithful bleach
(Wisely kept from children’s reach):
For the sake of good man Brown,
Capable of such renown,
And, still more encouraging,
Great John Milton, poet-king,
Who immortalized your name
Ere the vile Crayola came:
Do not let these oily stains
Mark you like thrombotic veins;
Rise, rise, and lift thy scrubbed-off head,
Radiant, de-crayonèd,
Like an Ajax-rescued queen,
Re-perfected, re-pristine:
Hear and come clean!

by Paul Lander

Jerry Springer‘s gone.
Fans: in lieu of flowers, please
hit Dad with a chair.

by Steven Kent

“Rupert Murdoch reportedly divorced Jerry Hall by email”
—The Guardian

The subject line Re: marriage, then
The body reads, “Dear Jerry:
Conditions/terms were stated when
We both agreed to marry.
This union was performance-based,
Yet came to no fruition,
So now I choose to move in haste
And phase out your position.

Your contract I shall not renew,
Effective date next Monday.
We’ll skip the exit interview;
Please clear your desk by Sunday.
I’ll gladly recommend you, dear—
You’re pleasant, bright, and pretty—
But first you’ll have to sign off here.
(Attorneys, New York City).”

by Stephen Gold

“Beloved pet cat Choupette, now 11, was made a supermodel by Karl Lagerfeld”
—Daily Mail

Although her Karl’s departed
(A catastrophic loss),
Choupette still struts the catwalk
With undiminished gloss.

Which proves, though fate is random,
That when all’s said and done,
Nine lives are categorically
Superior to one.

by Julia Griffin

“Orient Express to axe UK section after 41 years due to Brexit”
—The Guardian

In 1883, that sleek success
Thrillingly named The Orient Express
First left from Paris, heading for Stamboul.
Some ninety years, sublimely chic and cool,
It ran through Strasbourg, Munich, Budapest,
Or else Milan, Sofia, and the rest
(The southern route). Fine passengers would sip
Champagne for days; then things began to slip.
The route was cut: to Bucharest—to Wien—
And lastly altogether. Change the scene;
Move on a century: a new OE,
Tricked out with classy, cast-off wagons lits,
Processed from London down to Venice (scrap
Of that first splendid journey!). Now the map
Contracts still further: thank those Brexiteers
Through whom a ride assured for forty years
Is closed to London. What a dismal mess—
The latest, although not, I’m moved to guess,
Last Murder of the Orient Express.

by Marshall Begel

“Simple chance decided a seat on the Madison City Council on Wednesday,
with a name selected at random handing Isadore Knox Jr. a victory…”
—Wisconsin State Journal

All votes are decisive! All voices do matter!
Forget the statistics. Ignore all the chatter.

The people decide, not some slick bureaucrat.
Now wish your guy luck as I draw from this hat!

by Nora Jay

“FBI arrests guardsman who applied for job on RentAHitman.com …
Garcia told agents after his arrest that he had not intended to go through with the contract killing.
He said he just received a job offer at a Nashville medical center that he intended to take instead.”
—The Guardian

I’m thinking what my best career would be:
A murderer, or just a plain MD?
Information I’m amassin’:
Nurse assistant, mass assassin?
To grab a latex glove or Glock Gen 3?

In either case, my work is clean and plain;
I’ve never yet been called a scatterbrain;
My vascular incisions
Will require no revisions:
I guarantee that no one will complain.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Gardeners urged to protect bats as numbers drop”
—PA Media

I feed the birds and foxes in my garden,
And now I want to do my bit for bats.
I’m leaving all the windfalls and the insects,
And buying some repellent for the cats.

But what if some are really nosferatu,
And someone in the block invites them in,
Believing they’re delivering a package,
Or flogging bootleg cigarettes and gin?

I’d have to be bedecked in Christian symbols,
And maybe even shave them in my hair.
If eligible women think I’m crackers,
It’s just a cross I’m going to have to bear.

by Clyde Always

“Sea lions flee in panic after man backflips off pier to harass them…”
—The Sacramento Bee

If you are a curious human
(sans vessel, commander and crewmen),
don’t guzzle a beer
and then dive off the pier!
To see us up closer, just zoom in.

by Alex Steelsmith

“America’s Most Prolific Logger Recasts Itself as Environmental Do-Gooder…
Although [it] is cutting down as many trees as ever and plans to increase lumber production…”
—The Wall Street Journal

Readily, steadily,
timber productiveness
rises, and annual
profits have jumped;

born-again heroes of
biodiversity,
loggers look good and their
critics are stumped.

by James Higgins

“[A]nti-abortion groups are citing the ideas of a 19th-century ‘vice reformer'”
—NPR

The Comstock Act viewed as salacious and lewd
peoples’ mailing all tools of abortion,
meaning dilators, speculums, catheters, too…
and that’s but a minuscule portion.
Does all this entail I shall wind up in jail
if I’m caught buying coat hangers via the mail…?

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“End of care doctor reveals the things patients say in their last words”
—Daily Mail

I hope I greet the Reaper on my deathbed
With something witty, full of vim and sass,
Not standing at a stairhead and exclaiming,
“These varifocal lenses are fantas–”.

by Bruce Bennett

“[New York City Mayor Eric Adams has named] Kathleen Corradi as the city’s rat czar.
‘The rats are going to hate Kathy,’ said Adams.”
—The New York Times

The Rat Czar is ready to roll!
The City’s exerting control.
The rats can sense doom.
They feel their end loom.
Their numbers will soon pay the toll.

This isn’t just PR or hype.
The time is at last more than ripe.
Get ready. Get set.
Go on. Place your bet.
The Piper has picked up her pipe.

by Steven Kent

“For Ron DeSantis, Overflowing War Chest Obscures the Challenges Ahead”
—The New York Times

He’s got the looks, the wife and kids; he served.
His moves are bold; he’s never, ever swerved.
The faithful cheered him loudly when he spoke
Declaring culture war, attacking “woke.”
With coffers full, he’s ready in the main
To wage a winning ’24 campaign.
He sports a perfect MAGA pedigree;
Too bad nobody likes the SOB.