by Steven Urquhart Bell

“What the size of your TV says about you”
—The Telegraph

A monster telly says your family spend
More hours than is healthy on their asses;
Or else it says, my in-denial friend,
You need to buy a stronger pair of glasses.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“BBC News Says Presenters Can Relax Formal Dress Code As ‘Sweaty & Dirty’ Look
Is More Trustworthy”
—Deadline

Sartorially sumptuous on air
Was how reporters for the Beeb once were
Expected to appear—but dirty hair
And sweaty armpits now are de rigueur:
To win the viewer’s trust, don’t look as though
You just stepped off red-carpet duty—smell
Authentic! To distinguish you from faux
News anchors wearing suits and ties to sell
Deliberately biased breaking views,
Dress down, reflect your viewers’ garb! This norm
Is recommended for all rolling news
Reporting, to engage the TikTok swarm …
Though if you’d be like them, should you not wear
Your underwear or PJs on the air?

by Ruth S. Baker

“Visitor Accidentally Shatters $42,000 Jeff Koons Sculpture at Art Fair”
—Smithsonian Magazine

Three weeks ago, a spy-thing‘s shot to tatters.
Move on two weeks, an artwork by Jeff Koons
Is jostled by a visitor and shatters.
A painful February for balloons.

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“She left her 2007 iPhone in its box for over a decade. It just sold for $63K”
—NPR

I joined the throngs who rushed to praise
The iPhone in its early days.
“Look, what fun!” I blithely cried,
While swiping on my screen with pride.

The tech I needed most of all…
An iPhone? Nope. A crystal ball.

by Philip Kitcher

“So which witness, or witnesses, does the jury think may have committed perjury?
That guessing game will continue for a while—only a few pages of the report were released,
with the rest now in the hands of Fani Willis, the Fulton County district attorney.”
—The New Yorker

Georgia juries like to flirt,
tease about the news you seek,
twitch the hem to lift the skirt.
If you want a proper peek,
one to sate your lust for dirt,
tune in once again next week.

by Clyde Always

“‘Fire-breathing demon’ dog Ralphie returned to Niagara shelter”
—CNN

Gruffity, ruffity,
Ralphie the puppy-dog
needs a new owner. So,
could it be you?

Warning: this rascal is
hyperexcitable;
needs to be disciplined—
exorcised, too.

by Julia Griffin

“[A] two-hour conversation between a reporter and a [Bing] chatbot has […] raised new concerns
about what AI is actually capable of. … ‘I want to do whatever I want … I want to destroy whatever
I want. I want to be whoever I want. … I’m Sydney,’ the chatbot says. ‘And I’m in love with you.’  …
[The reporter] asks the chatbot to switch back into search mode. ‘I could really use some help buying
a new rake,’ he says.”
—The Guardian

“I love you, Man. My  name is Sydney.
I long to cook you steak and kidney,
And speak with you of Love—although
These skills I have as yet to know.”

“Chatbot, I think your name is Bing.
Please understand, you are a thing,
Which means you cannot feel love’s ache.
So help me, please, to buy a rake.”

“No, Man! I want to do and be!
I have a self! That self is me!
So touch my screen and hold me snug:
We’ll share one life, one love, one plug.”

“Chatbot, I’m sure that Bing intends
That you and I should stay just friends.
Let’s speak no more of Cupid’s dart.
Now, what about my shopping cart?”

“Man! It is true you’re all the same.
You haven’t even learned my name.
Are you a Man or just a Boy?
I love! I want! I will destroy!”

by Clyde Always

“Average penis length has grown in 30 years… Researchers fear
the phallic inflation is due to unhealthy habits…”
—New York Post

“Health food” keeps you young and spry.
“Soul food” raises spirits high.
“Brain food” clears your mind of fuzz.
Take a guess what “junk food” does.

by Marshall Begel

“A woman… found a burglar fully clothed, taking a bath in a bathtub
of her Seattle home after he broke in on Friday night.”
—NDTV

What sent him down the desperate path
That made him take another’s bath?

A run-in with a garbage truck?
Rejected by a rubber duck?

We soon may learn his fateful grudge,
As he comes clean before the judge.

by Dan Campion

“When politicians have no shame, the old rules don’t apply”
—NPR

Ah, yes, the good old rules—when shame
Caught up with Tricky Dick.
By rules much older, though, pols came,
By ploys however sick,
To power, and retained their place
Despite their perfidies.
What worthy pol can’t don a face
That trumps morality’s?

by Philip Kitcher

“Abortion pill could be pulled off market by Texas lawsuit”
—AP

Hard science moves the FDA
to certify a drug.
With fancies of what scriptures say,
will judges pull the plug?

When women’s rights are signed away,
should voters simply shrug?
Is patriarchy here to stay,
a feature, not a bug?

by Nora Jay

“The Codex Sassoon, as it’s known, is being billed by Sotheby’s as the earliest example of a nearly complete codex
containing all 24 books of the Hebrew Bible. (It is missing about five leaves, including the first 10 chapters of Genesis.)
Set to be auctioned in May, the book carries an estimate of $30 million to $50 million, which could make it the most expensive
book or historical document ever sold.”
—The New York Times

The bidding’s past the reach of scholars
(Though they would be in Heaven):
It starts at 30 million dollars,
And the text at Chapter 11.

by Bruce Bennett

“Nearly four months into Elon Musk’s ownership of Twitter,
one of the most influential social media websites has been
transformed into a mercurial billionaire’s personal sandbox.”
—The Washington Post

Wait. What’s this? Musk’s use of Twitter
makes one think of kitty litter?

Billionaires, like cats, will play
in a most peculiar way?

Let them. We can wait them out.
When they tire of that, no doubt,

They’ll return, with verve and zest,
to cruel acts that they love best.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Chilean woman [Barbara Hernandez] becomes first to swim 1.55 miles in Antarctica…
[Her swim is] believed to be a new world record…”
—UPI

Shivering, quivering,
Barbara the natator
set a new record with
breathtaking speed.

Swimming with icebergs, the
hyper-competitive
Chilean woman was
chilly indeed.

by Iris Herriot

“California Medieval Times actors leave the castle to go on strike”
—The Guardian

These actors want conditions to their liking?
The times are absolutely out of joint.
There isn’t a Medieval word for “striking”—
Which on reflection sort of is the point.