—Variety

by Paul Lander

Porn star Siffredi
Netflix drama subject name
Should be Stiffredi.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Thousands of Russians fear President Putin’s new draft orders.”
—NBC

Shivery quivery,
Putin the warmonger,
grimly applying his
terrible craft,

opened the door to the
Cold War. Now Russians are
antipathetically
feeling the draft.

by Julia Griffin

“Cleaners at Amsterdam gallery ordered to let insects run wild in name of art
Spiders and creepy crawlies allowed to colonise Rijksmuseum to show how
perceptions have changed through the ages”
—The Guardian

Their perceptions have changed
In the land of the Dutch;
Though it might seem deranged,
Their perceptions have changed;
Are the cleaners estranged?
No one’s certain how much
Their perceptions have changed
In the land of the Dutch.

Now insects run wild
For the purpose of art;
For ages reviled,
These creators, so styled,
Hold viewers beguiled;
For disgust plays no part
Now insects run wild
For the purpose of art.

Some arachnids display
Around Rembrandt van Rijn;
They’re working away
In their palette of grey,
So beware, or you may
Find you’re on, or else in,
Some arachnid’s display
Around Rembrandt van Rijn.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“I shout at plants and browbeat the vacuum cleaner.
I tell the dishwasher I hate it. What’s wrong with me?”
—The Guardian

Just because you sometimes blow your stack,
It doesn’t mean your brain is out of whack—
Unless your vacuum cleaner answers back.

by Steven Kent

“Anarchy in the auction house: the Sex Pistols ephemera that’s pogoing, going, gone”
—The Guardian

Ironic nihilism on the street
Can boost a very healthy balance sheet.
Rebellion has been tainted, I’m afraid—
In anarchy there’s money to be made.

by Julia Griffin

“Beyond Meat chief accused of biting man’s nose in road rage confrontation”
—The Guardian

And as his bloody molars met,
His better nature, active yet,
Beheld, in eco-packaged rows,
I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Nose.

by Dan Campion

“Attorney breaks down why Trump couldn’t declassify documents by ‘thinking about it’”
—CNN

It’s good a lawyer’s had a turn
At breaking down Don’s claim.
Who’s next? A judge? A potted fern?
All juries find the same:

To merely think a thing is fine,
As long as you refrain
From deeming that there is no line
Between (a) world, (b) brain.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A new, improved [weather station] has been deployed at the roof of the world…
about 131 vertical feet below the [Everest] summit… Though the trek to install
the station was not without risk, it would yield direct benefits… Tenzing
[Gyalzen Sherpa, one of the climbers who installed it] puts it simply:
‘We save more climbers’ lives.’”
—National Geographic

Hazardy blizzardy,
weather technology
perched in the death zone is
put to the test;

manifestations of
meteorology
pummeling Everest
don’t everrest.

Supery dupery
Tenzing the alpinist,
risking his life on a
lifesaving quest,

sums up its benefits
apothegmatically;
Sherpas who summit can
summit up best.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Opium usage dates back to ancient Israel, new study finds”
—The Jerusalem Post

No wonder people heard the voice of God,
And other people didn’t find it odd.

by Philip Kitcher

When Vlad was just a little lad,
he won each dirty fight.
He’d pinch your lunch and sucker punch,
and gouge, and squeeze, and bite.

The toys of all the smaller boys
could never be secured.
Long catalogs by underdogs
record what they endured.

One day a new boy came to play—
he didn’t even cheat!
There was no need—Vlad must concede
complete abject defeat.

Sad and ashamed, bad Vlad exclaimed:
“Your victory’s a fluke.
In time I shall avenge your crime—
someday I’ll own a nuke.”

by Steven Kent

“Columbia whistleblower on exposing college rankings: ‘They are worthless'”
—The Guardian

As Kyle’s and Kaitlyn’s parents weigh their choices
(An Ivy? Stay in-state? Go to the coast?)
They listen closely here to certain voices
Who tell them what they want to hear the most.

But now it seems a lot of what they’re gleaning
Is nonsense, pretty much; I mean, who knew?
Administrators lying, boasting, preening:
Hey kids, we’re Number One at Big FU!

by Julia Griffin

“Please don’t cook chicken in NyQuil, the FDA asks TikTok users”
—NPR

However, those chefs I especially like will
De-quill only chickens made tranquil with NyQuil.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Smoke billows into the sky after massive fire breaks out in Oldham”
—Metro

I’m saving up for when I settle down;
I fancy Oldham after I retire.
It must be quite an uneventful town
If headline news is “Smoke is caused by fire.”

I’d have to take a modicum of care,
And not go out without my beanie on.
A man in middle age with greying hair—
Reporters would be camping on the lawn.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Recent chemical analysis suggests that some [ceramic vessels] were used
as explosive grenades during the Crusades.”
—National Geographic

Diligent, vigilant
chemical analysts
sometimes surprise us with
groundbreaking finds.

Holy war hand grenades?
Archaeological
bombshell reporting is
blowing our minds.

by Alex Steelsmith

September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Parroty parody,
Talk Like a Pirate Day
gives you occasion to
boldly revise

any appropriate
phraseological
turn of expression that
catches your ayes.

Wonderful, plunderful
freebooter verbiage
isn’t just any old
gobbledygook;

people who mimic it
stereotypically
steal our attention by
hook or by crook.

Swaggering, staggering
pirate impressionists
sound like they suffer from
chronic catarrh;

though you’re no pirate, a
nasopharyngeal
growl will convince us, at
least, that you arrh!