by Julia Griffin

“A centuries-old cactus survived everything; then summer rains came.”
—The Washington Post

Long have I stood here in old Arizona:
Nobody knows the mirages I’ve seen,
Holding my fingers up high like a loner,
Roping the sunlight and working it green.

Never the heat nor the dryness could hurt me:
Proudly I bore it when others would fry;
Now comes the rain and my tissues desert me;
Broken at last in my spurs I must lie.

Ages I’ve known, though your estimates vary;
Mourn for me now where I made my last stand;
Oh bury me deep in what’s left of the prairie;
Wave your farewell to a faithful Old Hand.

by Chris O’Carroll

“[Researchers] report that some macaques frequently rub or tap stones around their genitals… .
In other words, the monkeys appear to engage in ‘a form of self-directed, tool-assisted masturbation’ …”
—The New York Times

The macaques have been getting their rocks off,
Using tools to help bring their macoques off.
Monkey biology
Thrives on geology.
Rubbing stones on their zones knocks their socks off.

by Steve Bremner

(with apologies to Lewis Carroll)

“[Joseph Henney’s] emotional support animal is an alligator. They sleep in the same bed…
and when Henney takes him to the farmers market, WallyGator gives hugs to shoppers—
as long as they are okay with being that close to a 70-pound, 5½-foot reptile
with a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth.“
—The Washington Post

How doth this crocodilian,
Who hugs but never bites,
Get followed by a million
On social media sites!

How amiably he seems to grin,
How well controls his jaws,
And folds each Philadelphian in
His gently greeting claws!

by Alex Steelsmith

“Ukrainian officials say [several hundred Chechen soldiers] fight alongside the country’s military…”
—AP

“The model for Putin’s hyper-brutal Ukraine invasion… [is] the style of warfare [Russia] used in Chechnya.”
—Asia Times

Ruthlessly, truthlessly,
Vladimir’s strategy
triumphed; the Chechens were
crushed and perplexed.

Soon the unmerciful
Machiavellian
glared at Ukraine and said,
“You’ll be annext.”

Readily, steadily,
Chechen expatriates
now give Ukrainian
efforts a boost,

pledging their services
militaristically;
Vladimir’s Chechens have
come home to roost.

by Philip Kitcher

Few people praise
the Law’s delays.
A special master
won’t make it faster.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“What’s so wrong with having long hair when you’re over 50?”
—The Telegraph

My hair is long; I’m fifty-four—
The type of thing that some deplore.
I hope it reaches to the floor
Before I go with Charon.

Well, what’s the point in growing old
If not to not do what you’re told?
So my reply to those who scold
Is—Keep your bloody hair on.

by Kaitlyn Spees

“[Astrophysicist] Avi Loeb… is planning an expedition to retrieve fragments of the meteor from the ocean floor. …
[He] is hoping to determine the object’s origins—even going so far as to make the extraordinary suggestion
that it could be a technological object created by aliens. …
[Loeb said:] ‘If you ask what my wish is, if it’s indeed of artificial origin, and there was some component of the object
that survived, and if it has any buttons on it, I would love to press them.’ …

‘This is what I would generously call a dubious plan,’ said Ethan Siegel, an astrophysicist and science communicator
who has vocally criticized Loeb’s past claims about aliens.”
—NPR

Meteor, shmeateor
Loeb the astronomer’s
diving for alien
tech in the depths.

Even if nothing there’s
extraterrestrial,
buttons from Earth have been
thoroughly pressed.

by Julia Griffin

“An Italian artist who attached a banana to a wall with duct tape and titled it Comedian—
reportedly selling several versions for more than $100,000—is facing legal action over whether he
copied another artist’s work.
Maurizio Cattelan is accused of copyright infringement by Joe Morford, from Glendale, California,
who says Comedian is just like his own duct-taped fruit, Banana & Orange, which he made two
decades earlier. …
[Cattelan] has reportedly argued that, unlike his own banana, the fruit in Banana & Orange is synthetic,
so Morford ‘cannot own the idea of a real banana duct-taped to a wall’.
But US district judge Robert N Scola Jr has ruled that Morford can proceed with his case …”
—The Guardian

An artist from Italy
Working in fruit
Was lately and bitterly
Served with a suit.

Joe Morford threw fits: “He
Has robbed me!” he cried;
A charge which Maurizi-
O strongly denied:

“Giò claims my idea.
And also my cash.
Macchè! Mamma mia!
Che brutto! How brash!

“The Muses, like manna,
Will fall where they fall,
As with this banana
I’ve taped to the wall.

“His charge is fantastic.
Too weak to refute:
His fruit’s made of plastic,
My fruit’s made of fruit.”

This answer was clobbered
(It’s often the way)
However, by Robert
N. Scola DJ,

Who found Joe’s banana
Distinctly infringed.
Now Joe cries “Hosanna!”
Maurizio’s singed.

Tonight he is feeling
A nasty hot wind;
He thinks of appealing,
But fears he’ll be skinned,

While Morford, in clover,
Drains victory’s cup:
“He planned a walkover;
That’s where he slipped up.”

by Nicole Caruso Garcia

back-to-school shopping
mom in the next fitting room
explains camel-toe

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Midlife health test: the 9 ways to check your brain and fitness”
—The Times

You know that you’re approaching middle age
When articles like this jump out at you,
And rather than just laugh and turn the page
You see how many pushups you can do.

by Clyde Always

“Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin delivered an emotional speech… touting her job
performance and defending her right to have a private life after leaked videos showed
the leader dancing and partying wildly.”
—New York Post

Dauntlessly, Flauntlessly,
Marin, Prime Minister,
faced her detractors and
never lost heart.

Want to eradicate
phallocentricity?
Take a good look at the
Finnish, to start…

by Steven Kent

“Republican says comment Garland should be executed was ‘facetious'”
—The Guardian

Geez, everybody now is way too woke.
I simply said “Hey, let’s assassinate
The AG for his crimes against the State.”
It’s like you people just can’t take a joke!

And yes, because I’m sure you’ve heard the rumor,
I really claimed that Hitler is “the kind
Of leader we sure need today.” I find
(Again!) that no one gets my sense of humor.

by Philip Kitcher

“Conservative leadership race is making some Tories miss Boris Johnson”
—The Washington Post

“A pox on the vultures who squawked at my doom!
They’re foiled of their prey as I rise from the tomb.
The people declare they don’t want to change course.
I’m back from the dead—thanks to buyers’ remorse.

The nation’s discovered an absence of fizz
in Rishi and Tom, Kemi, Penny, and Liz.
I’ll turn on the charm—there’s no need to use force—
my future’s assured—thanks to buyers’ remorse.

The party is learning what voters all know:
the corpse is laid out with its entrails on show.
When members come begging, I’ll laugh myself hoarse,
regaining my throne—thanks to buyers’ remorse.”

by Alex Steelsmith

“One pig captured, three remain on the loose”
—UPI

“One wolf still missing after ‘suspicious’ escape”
—UPI

Piggily wiggily
porcine adventurers
ought to return to their
usual digs.

Wolf on the loose! It is
un-serendipitous.
someone should caution the
three little pigs.

by Barbara Lydecker Crane

“As [Pirates infielder] Rodolfo Castro slid into third base,
his phone shot out of his pocket. He has appealed his
suspension for violating M.L.B.’s electronic device policy.”
—The New York Times

I try to be a patient son
each time Ma rings me on the phone.
This time I said, “I gotta run!
I’ll call you back when I get home.”