by Anna M. Evans
(Born in the UK, living in the US)

“It’s coming home, it’s coming home, it’s coming… Football’s coming home”
—The Lightning Seeds

They’re only games but the results can hurt.
Is football coming home? Or not today?
I’m watching England in an Eagles shirt.

And though I schizophrenically assert
it’s football, meaning soccer, it’s okay—
they’re only games. But the results can hurt.

My teams are good, but neither one’s a cert.
It all depends (of course) on how they play.
I’m watching England in an Eagles shirt.

At halftime I switch over, like a flirt
who can’t decide. My sides are up! Well hey!
They’re only games (but the results can hurt).

Then back to football (soccer). Please insert
your accent joke of choice here as I pray,
while watching England in an Eagles shirt.

Thirty-five, ten; three, nil. (Spoiler alert!)
Tomorrow I’ll wake up completely gray.
I know they’re games but these results don’t hurt.
I’m watching England in an Eagles shirt.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

After Arthur Guiterman

“Should we all be lazier?: Why everyday idleness could save the world”
—The Independent

The student taking extra classes
Has frown-lines deeper than crevasses.

The ladder-climbing employee
Is going bald at forty-three.

The supervisor working late,
No time for gym, has put on weight.

But unambitious, idle me
Is slim, hirsute and wrinkle-free.

by Julia Griffin

After Handel

“Wherever you stand on Violet Coco, her jailing raises the stakes for climate protest…
Coco… was part of a group of four protesters from the activist group Fireproof Australia
who blocked a southbound lane on the [Sydney Harbour] bridge just before 8.30am on 13 April this year.”
—The Guardian

Where’er you stand,
She’ll think of rising stakes:
Tum, knee, or hand,
I’ll bet poor Violet aches:
Tum, knee, or hand,
I’ll bet poor Violet aches.

Earth’s all awry;
The climate’s all askew;
The bane’s expanding,
But by your standing,
You’ll boost Vi’s standing too
You’ll boost Vi’s standing too
You’ll boost Vi’s STANDING TOO.

Tum, knee, or hand,
Massage for all you’re worth;
Where’er you stand,
Stand firmly with the earth:
Where’er you stand,
Stand firmly WITH THE EARTH.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Rats in northern India have been accused of eating hundreds of kilograms of cannabis
seized from drug dealers and stored in police warehouses.”
–CNN

Cops confiscated weed and tried to store it,
But hungry warehouse rats were jonesing for it—
Or that’s what court officials have been hearing.
Why else would contraband be disappearing?

by Steven Kent

“Six million Americans carried guns daily in 2019, twice as many as in 2015”
—The Guardian

You see that guy ahead of me in line?
I saw him glance my way; it happened twice.
He looks at me again, he’ll pay the price.
I’d guess he’s got a gun—well, I’ve got mine.

This suburb’s now an urban combat zone:
The mall, Panera, church. I’m on the clock,
With ammo by the pound to fill my Glock.
Did that dude pull a piece? Wait, that’s a phone.

Some server down at Starbucks gave a smirk
At my Colt .45 and Ruger 9.
This snotty little leftie crossed the line—
I might teach her a lesson after work.

Don’t cut me off in traffic, don’t push through;
I’m on the edge at all times, you can bet.
Do nothing you might not live to regret;
If you get shot, remember: that’s on you.

by Steven Kent

“Crime coverage on Fox News halved once US midterms were over”
—The Guardian

Sean, Tucker, Doocy, Pirro, and the rest
Gave news of crime a strangely sudden rest
The moment voters made their fall selection.
(Don’t worry, they’ll reprise it next election.)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Dr Mosley shares reading could be ‘key’ to longer life but how much you read matters”
—Daily Express

When someone says I read too much
I tell them to get stuffed,
But only when they’ve left the room—
Especially if they’re buffed—

’Cos I’m a worm—a bookworm—and
I’ve never had a fight.
So how d’you know you couldn’t throw
A nifty right-left-right?

’Cos reading has endowed me with
A good imagination—
The only garlands I would win
Are wreaths for my cremation.

by Philip Kitcher

“Tradition weighs against England in grudge match with US”
—Sports Village Square

“In a way, there is a kind of genius to the perpetual dissatisfaction of the English:
not so much a tyranny of expectations as a police state of expectations, a fascism of expectations.”
—The Guardian

It’s like Saratoga all over again—
a woeful reverse for our football campaign,
as General Burgoyne commandeered Harry Kane.

The rout of Iran gave supporters a thrill,
inspiring illusions our team had some skill.
Al Bayt then emerged as our new Bunker Hill.

It’s no use pretending we don’t give a toss,
since scraping a draw feels as bad as a loss.
If Weston McKennie had buried that cross …

We can’t beat the Yanks, to our undying shame—
instead let us take up our favorite game,
and focus attention on who is to blame.

When Empire collapses and Majesty fails,
best celebrate triumphs on tinier scales,
rejoice in the fact we can still conquer … Wales.

by Phil Huffy

“A TSA scanner at the JFK airport detected a feline trapped within a checked suitcase last week.
The stowaway cat … was returned to its owner, who was unaware it sneaked into the suitcase
of a visiting friend.”
—NPR

A kitty in a suitcase.
Oh what a place to play!
But not if it’s checked baggage,
so thank you, TSA.

There’s been some speculation
concerning how it got
inside that piece of luggage.
And was it closed, or not?

Some type of human mischief
is probably the cause.
(Though cats are very clever,
they can’t zip with their paws.)

We need an explanation
concerning this good pet,
who’s safely back at home now
and hasn’t said much, yet.

by Julia Griffin

After Kipling

“These Are the Trendiest Dog Names of 2022 …
Fezco … Cassini … Mossberg … Mirabel … Kyna … Mommy … Monka … Tohru … Frederico … Beige”
—Reader’s Digest

Gloom in the Newsroom: the front page needing
Something to draw in the fans:
Same after same, with DeSantis leading,
Fuentes and (Kan)ye’s bans.
“Something’s hitting the airwaves!
Dog names now all the rage:
Write up Kyna, Monka, Frederico, Fezco, and Tohru Beige.”

Joy in the Newsroom: the story trending—
Fox and the Mail are toast,
Four more dog names now contending,
Trouncing the New York Post.
“Item’s conquered the airwaves!
Here’s to our next front page:
Write up Mommy, Mirabel, Cassini, Mossberg, and Tohru Beige.”

by Julia Griffin

For Barbara

“Residents… near Boston subjected to attacks and intimidation by group of wild turkeys—
and especially Kevin.”
—The Guardian

O woe to the burghers of Boston!
The Terrorist Turkeys have come!
The trouble at first had been lost on
The town, whose reaction was “Yum!”

But no one had counted on Kevin,
The bird with the blade in his beak,
And now his whole harem is revvin’,
And honing their terror technique.

In vain are the kitty-cats yowling,
The puppy-dogs baring their fangs:
The Terrorist Turkeys are prowling,
In devilish, Kevinish gangs!

But though you call Kevin demonic,
One lesson, with luck, has been learned:
Thanksgiving, to some, is ironic,
And tables, though crammed, may be turned.

by Steven Kent

“26K for Joan Didion’s old books? Why are the rich obsessed with dead authors’ stuff?”
—The Guardian

Old glasses, lamps, blank notebooks,
Belonging-to-the-GOAT books,
And all such stuff quotidian
Were not the real Joan Didion.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Lyft drivers spread the Gospel with ride-hailing ministries…
[One driver] understood that his car could become an extension of the church…”
—AP

For some of us, having a driver we’re hiring
Attempt to convert us is not an offense;
It might seem a breath of fresh air, and inspiring.
One might feel transported in more than one sense.

But some of us might be insulted a smidgen,
And open the windows to let in the breeze
When drivers start airing out views on religion,
A topic on which one at times disagrees.

There’s one thing, at least, that we all can assert,
And it stands by itself (among other assertibles):
When drivers have riders they hope to convert,
We always prefer that they’re driving convertibles.

by Ruth S. Baker

“An Ancient Language, Once on the Brink, Is a British Isle’s Talk of the Town”
—The New York Times

Manx, some said a
Tongue en-graved,
Ranks instead a-
Mong the saved.

In these days of
Giving Thanks,
Spin the praise of
Living Manx!

by Stephen Gold

“Turtles and tortoises are not commonly considered among the chatterboxes of the animal
kingdom, but scientists have found that they have plenty to say if you listen…”
—The Times

The tortoise, somewhat slow to walk,
Is startlingly adept at talk,
Including crackles, croaks and clicks
Among his best linguistic tricks.

Throughout a life of long duration,
Effervescent conversation
Isn’t normally a feature
One attributes to this creature.

Clearly, though, it’s quite fallacious
Not to think that he’s loquacious.
Tortoise, dear, what tales you’ll tell,
Now that you’ve come out your shell.