by Clyde Always
“Federal agents find sophisticated tunnel under US-Mexico border
and seize almost a ton of cocaine”
—CNN
To New York City’s Subway
and to London’s Underground:
just south of San Diego
a competitor’s been found.
In terms of pure efficiency
this system really shines—
on just a single set of tracks
it runs a million lines.
by Julia Griffin
“Japanese man spends $15,700 on dog costume to fulfill lifelong dream
of transforming into an animal”
—Yahoo! News
How much is that doggie in the window?
The one with the waggly tail?
And how would it work were he skinned-O,
And swapped with a humanoid male?
I love rolling round on the carpet;
I hate to be left on my own;
I long to be somebody’s star pet,
And gnaw every night on a bone.
Some meanies believe it’s just folly,
Or even a waste of good cash,
But I want to live in a collie,
And waggle my nose in your trash.
I don’t want the life of a lizard;
I don’t want the life of a lark;
I just want raw liver or gizzard,
And someone to clap when I bark.
In sniffing I’m just a beginner,
But still I’ve a nose for a sale;
So please let me in, mister skinner,
And sell me that waggly tail!
by Alex Steelsmith
“U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights… ended a long-awaited trip to China with cautious criticism
of the country’s crackdown [on the Uyghurs], balanced with praise for Chinese authorities, in what
rights advocates called a propaganda win for Beijing… ‘The High Commissioner’s remarks were too
non-specific and weak to match the gravity of the situation,’ wrote William Nee [of Chinese Human
Rights Defenders].”
—The Washington Post
Notably, quotably,
human rights advocates
say her remarks on the
Uyghurs were weak;
Chinese authorities,
WaPo-reportedly,
eagerly welcomed her
muyghur critique.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
For Gwendolyn Brooks (born 105 years ago tomorrow, on June 7, 1917)
She real cool. She
No fool. She
Talks straight. She
Fights hate. She
Sings loud. She
Sings proud. She
Ain’t shy. She
Can’t die.
by Julia Griffin
“Queen Elizabeth Has Been Known to Catch Bats in a Butterfly Net at Balmoral Castle”
—Town and Country
She has been known. You ask, by whom?
Select observers, we assume;
Who has the task of choosing hats
For when HM is catching bats?
A veil might help; not so a plume.
Balmoral’s bats must sense their doom
To see that regal figure loom:
They’ve learned the looks of autocrats;
She has been known.
It isn’t that there isn’t room,
But batting lifts sporadic gloom,
As does the sight of knights in spats
Attending her with tiny vats:
She’s ninety-six, but can she zoom!—
She has been known.
by Paul Lander
It is so bad that
Moody’s will now be known as:
Extremely Pissed Off.
by Alex Steelsmith
“An ancient Roman bust… missing for decades,” bought “from a Texas Goodwill for under $40”
is “believed to depict Roman commander Drusus Germanicus.”
—USA Today
Prominent, dominant
Drusus Germanicus
once ordered legions to
conquer new lands
far from the shores of the
Mediterranean.
Now forty dollars is
all he commands.
by Steven Kent
“US Man Charged With Wife’s Murder Wins Republican Town Primary From Jail”
—The Guardian
Republican I am, a small-town guy;
I stand for family, liberty, and such.
Pro-life? Of course, though let me qualify:
A fetus? Yes. My wife? Well, not so much.
by Nora Jay
“Couple in India sue son for not giving them a grandchild …
The couple’s lawyer, AK Srivastava, told The National that the couple had demanded the money
‘because of mental cruelty’. ‘It is a dream of every parent to become a grandparent.
They had been waiting for years to become grandparents.'”
—BBC News
A fellow in Uttarakhand
Gave somebody female his hand;
That was six years ago;
Are there offspring yet? No;
And his parents cannot understand.
Their kindness was more than parental:
They housed him, and spared him the rental
“Every parent,” they claim,
“Wants a grandparent’s name;
So we’re suing for cruelty (mental).”
Before such familial scorn,
The son may feel crushed and forlorn;
If so, he might try
What’s been done in Mumbai:
Sue them back, for the fact he was born.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“A new range of gardening-themed condoms have been launched
to encourage older Brits to practice safe sex.”
—Scotland on Sunday
Safe sex at my age means
Remembering to take
A puff on my inhaler
Before I act the rake.
The spirit’s still as keen—
The lungs are rather frailer.
Some men have reputations
For making love for hours.
I too have learnt the knack,
In flowerbeds or bowers,
Of exercising patience—
I’ve got a dodgy back.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“Sizing Up the Decisions of Older Adults: A new training tool helps to assess whether
some seniors can make informed choices about their own care and well-being.”
—The New York Times
Your language has me groaning.
I hate to be a scold,
But please don’t call me older
Instead of simply old.
And even worse is senior.
It makes me quite irate.
I haven’t been a senior
Since 1968!
by Martin F. Kohn
“Southfield funeral director hopes Barbie will bring more women to her profession”
—Detroit Free Press
Barbie’s had a zillion jobs:
Teaching, Flying, Baking…
But Funeral Director’d be
A major undertaking.
by Dan Campion
“As the weather warms, experts warn to watch for invasive jumping worms”
—KARE11
To add to news that makes us squirm
Warm weather brings a jumping worm.
Okay, we’re warned. We’ll keep a watch.
Iced tea? No, thanks. A double Scotch.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Everest reaches to about 29,032 feet above sea level, though that number can change.”
—NPR
Slippery slopery,
Everest’s altitude
rose unexpectedly.
Climbers despair,
though it seems likely that
geocartographers
tasked with the survey went
into thin err.
by Chris O’Carroll
Trump administration officials tell Rolling Stone that during his time in office, the former president
asked repeatedly if China was creating artificial hurricanes and shooting them at the United States,
and whether he should consider bombing China in retaliation.
He harped upon a Chinese plot
To cook up super hurricanes,
Which from some unknown gun they shot
To send us killer winds and rains.
His fever dream might justify,
He mused, some sort of bomb attack.
We’ll hear more deep thoughts from this guy
Once Twitter says he’s welcome back.