by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“How a passenger with no flight experience landed a plane in a nosedive after the pilot passed out…
[Darren Harrison] an executive of an interior design company, pulled off the landing all while in flip-flops
after fishing in the Bahamas.”
—NBC News

Despite no background flying airplanes, I
Am now this Cessna’s pilot, so I should
Report its plight is serious, and try
Relanding it—in Florida, touch wood …
Excuse me? Roger? No, it’s Darren here,
Negotiating nosedives. This machine
Has no beginner’s guide on how to steer
And steady, while the navigation screen
Refuses to switch on, so I’ve no clue
Regarding my position, though I know
I have the coast of Florida in view—
Should I pull here, or push the knob below? …
On solid ground at last. No further hitch.
Now I must turn this thing off … Where’s the switch?

by Bruce Bennett

“Let’s Give It Up for Vegetables:
With the arrival of spring comes the emergence of brighter, lighter vegetables—
and the unfettered urge to gobble up anything green.”
—Food Blog

To “gobble up anything green”
Is springlike, and what spring should mean!
You’re feeling your oats?
Be like sheep and goats.
Let broccoli lighten your scene.

by Alex Steelsmith

Political analyst Valery Solovei said one of Putin’s health issues was “of a psycho-neurological nature…
[T]he Russian news outlet Proekt also claimed Putin had been using an alternative therapy that involves
bathing in blood extract from severed deer antlers.”
—MercoPress

Tubbily-scrubbily
Vlad the Barbarian
rants as he stews in his
sanguinous mix,

“Never mind modern-day
psychoneurology;
nothing is wrong that a
bloodbath can’t fix!”

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Secrets of longevity from the royal household”
—Scotland on Sunday

Don’t think I’ll live as long as good Queen Liz.
I’m unemployed and poor; she’s rich as hell.
Her life has sparkle; mine has lost its fizz.

In one way, though, our circumstances gel:
She draws her money from the Civil List,
And I’m a scrounger off the State as well.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Pound tumbles to two-year low as stagflation fears rise”
—The Guardian

Throughout the whole Stag Nation,
Tall antlers shake with fear;
This influx of mutation
Means all will soon be dear.

by Stephen Gold

Former tennis star “Boris Becker jailed for two years for hiding assets after bankruptcy”
—The Guardian

A man of many faces,
Who bumbled into crime,
Once famed for serving aces,
Is now just serving time.

His shot at expiation
Was hit with too much spin,
And hence his new location,
No longer OUT! but IN!

The moral of this folly?
When candor falls so short,
One can expect a volley,
In quite a different court.

by Julia Griffin

“A United Airlines passenger was taken into custody Thursday morning at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport
after opening an aircraft door and walking out onto the wing of the plane while it was taxiing.”
—CNN

I hate to produce such a scare,
But waiting I just cannot bear;
So I pushed through a door
(That is what they are for),
Comin’ in on a wing at O’Hare.

by Nora Jay

“Bombshell Leak: Supreme Court Set to Overturn Roe v. Wade”
—Daily Beast

It must be born. That’s it, in few:
The content of the leak is true.
This isn’t illness, so you may
Get back to work without delay,
Or you can quit. It’s up to you.

Why should expenditure accrue
To your employer? Will you sue
To do no work and still have pay?
It must be born.

You should have thought the whole thing through
Before you (Biblically) knew
The father—what is that you say?
You’re fourteen and his daughter? Pray,
That’s our advice. So long. Adieu.
It must be born.

by Clyde Always

“Investigators say [a student] got a hold of some marijuana edibles at home and brought them
to school. The child shared them with other students, causing more than 15 to become ill at
school on Friday.”
—ABC News

Stoner kids
in all my classes
come to school
baked off their asses!
Easy, now,
have you forgotten?
We, as teens,
were just as rotten.
Teens you say?
I beg your pardon—
I’m in charge
of Kindergarten!

by Bruce Bennett

“Anglo-Saxon Kings Made Sure to Eat Their Vegetables, Study Shows”
—The New York Times

Egbert, Aethelwulf, that crew
ate the same as me and you.
Though they craved some special dish,
they didn’t always get their wish.

Though at holidays their feasts,
like our own, were filled with beasts,
ordinary days they’d eat
vegetables instead of meat.

Hollywood had got it wrong.
Royals, large and loud and strong,
gorging out on what they’d please?
No, they ate their beans and peas.

Maybe scenes should be reshot?
Focus on the fork and pot.
Show how they were just like us,
nibblers on asparagus.

Think of how our kids would gape.
No more sword fights, orgies, rape!
Peaceful men in quiet rooms,
smiling, as they ate legumes.

by Steven Kent

“KFC’s £198 Twister holder touted as next It bag—except among vegans”
—The Guardian

Chanel, Hermes, Vuitton, and Prada—
Handbags I’ll have none of, nada.
So long Coach, goodbye to Fendi;
Now a brand-new name is trendy.
Who’s the hottest? Fashion branders,
Listen up: It’s Colonel Sanders.

by Dan Campion

“Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ shirt fetches $9.3M at auction, a sports memorabilia record”
—NPR

When soccer feels the “Hand of God,”
Though cloth is cheap as dirt,
Trust auctioneers. They’ll wink and nod
And sell the blessèd shirt.

by Iris Herriot

“Three-legged dog with cancer saves baby otter in Minnesota river drama”
—The Guardian

If you don’t love a three-legged dog with cancer,
You don’t deserve the title of a man, sir,
And if your heart is cold to baby otters,
You rank among this generation’s rotters.
(About the rivers, though, of Minnesota,
No gentleman need bother one iota.)

by Brian Allgar

“Amber Heard Claims Putting Poop in Johnny Depp’s Bed Was a ‘Horrible Practical Joke,’
Employee Testifies”
—Us Weekly

Oh, let it not be said that Amber Heard
For Johnny Depp just doesn’t give a turd.

by Clyde Always

“Google is pausing a controversial ‘inclusive language’ feature that …
proposes gender-neutral alternatives to words like ‘policeman’ or ‘housewife’
in a manner similar to the way that other software services correct spelling and grammar issues.”
—The Washington Times

I’m here to confirm the new headlines are true:
although they’re still tracking near all that you do,
Google, no longer, will seek to eschew
words of the gender-specific taboo.
They also have scrapped
this slogan most apt:
“BIG SIBLING IS WATCHING YOU!”