by Max Gutmann

Candory-slandery,
Cassidy Hutchinson,
Trump now assures us, is
Really “bad news.”

Surely his claim’s rather
Uncontroversial.
Bad news! We see it. (We
Also see whose.)

by Steve Bremner

“Airships could offer a much cleaner and quieter alternative for some aspects
of the aviation market. … Sergey Brin turned internet search into one of the world’s
most valuable businesses more than two decades ago. Now he intends to improve
a technology which had its heyday long before he was born.”
—BBC Future

Googly schmoogly
Sergey the searchmaster
Soon may be easing our
Word-finding chore.

If he should start using
“Dirigibility,”
Hey, Hecht and Hollander,
We’ll have one more!

by Alex Steelsmith

“Ukrainian man casually shaves his beard while
a Russian missile sits in the kitchen.”
—India Times

Merrily, merrily
one brave Ukrainian
lathers, and raises his
razor, unfazed—

even while faced with the
semi-miraculous
fact that his residence
hasn’t been razed.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Panicking Putin ‘calls up OBESE 280lbs retired general, 67, to lead forces in Ukraine’
after ‘most of his best and battle-hardened senior commanders are killed’ in war”
—Daily Mail

Plump Russian soldiers who are long retired
And drink a quart of vodka every day
Now may, by Putin’s order, be required—
In huge fatigues—to head back to the fray.
Commanders of the Russians in Ukraine
Keep getting killed, or proving that they are
Inept, and getting fired from Vlad’s campaign—
Neurotic panic seems to grip this tsar.
Girth once considered far too large to fight
Protrudes from General Pavel to afford
Ukrainians an easy target site
That Putin surely couldn’t have ignored
In drafting him. What gives? … This guy will show
No stomach for the fight when told to go!

by Alex Steelsmith

“A flight attendant has claimed staff often have no clue whatsoever
when passengers ask them whereabouts they are when up in the air
and says they will usually just make stuff up.”
—Mirror

Whereabouts, thereabouts,
curious passengers
wondering, “Where are we
now?” should beware,

even if answered with
geo-coordinates:
really the answer is
up in the air.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“The science of sleep: Why so many of us get it all wrong”
—The Observer

The secret of a really good night’s sleep
Is learning how to clear your mind of clutter.
Try meditation, reading, counting sheep,
Hypnosis, self-massage or getting guttered.

Or sex. So good, it’s almost a specific
For purging you of mental flot- and jetsam.
Though sex for me is not a soporific—
I lie awake and wonder how to get some.

by Stephen Gold

“Trials halted by barrister walkout over low pay for criminal defence”
—The Times

Justice delayed is justice denied.
Though you know we would love to be right by your side,
Be you murderer, fraudster, molester or thief,
It’s courting starvation to take on your brief.

We’re pissed at perennial poorly-paid gigs,
So what’s to be done? We’re all scratching our wigs.
But here’s one career that will keep us well fed:
We’re going to retrain as baristas instead.

by Steve Bremner

“A ‘Tidal Wave’ In Psychology:… Studies suggest psilocybin [the psychedelic drug in “magic mushrooms”]
may be able to treat depression, PTSD, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and substance use disorder,
among others.”
—Pennsylvania Capital-Star

Abstinence, schmabstinence?
Persons Anonymous
Schlepping the Twelve-Step are
Plunged into doubt.

Maybe recovery’s
Pharmacological?
Better to turn on, tune
In, and drop out?

by Steven Kent

“The 1977 White House climate memo that should have changed the world”
—The Guardian

For this warning we thank you; it’s nice.
Rest assured, you won’t have to warn twice.
Oh, act now? Nah, the clime
Gives us plenty of time.
Down the road, though, we’ll take your advice.

by Clyde Always

“Hong Kong’s iconic giant floating restaurant capsizes in South China Sea”
—USA Today

A nautical eatery
sank to its grave
when rescuers found it too
flooded to save.

I bet it was cursed by a
slip of the lip
(some waitress had prayed for a
newsworthy tip).

by Dan Campion

“Republicans lash out against Senate gun bill and each other”
—The Hill

Rejoice this gang is “lashing out,”
Not meeting at high noon
And snarling, “Draw, you dirty lout!”
In front of some saloon;

We must, I think, point up the best
In every situation.
No need to wear a Kevlar vest!
Just salve for irritation.

by Philip Kitcher

Republicans, we must assume
Espouse an odd belief:
Life’s sacred only in the womb
God’s interest is brief.

by Chris O’Carroll

“U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene… posted on her Twitter page that she plans to introduce
‘a bill to make it illegal for children to be exposed to Drag Queen performances’…”
—Dallas Observer

Some things are just not fit for children’s eyes;
To save them from a pro-gay leftist plot,
We must make sure they never look at guys
Like Jack and Tony in Some Like It Hot.
Dame Edna, Tyler Perry, Milton Berle—
All walk the wigged and padded road to Hell,
And Giuliani dresses like a girl
To groom kids with a skit on SNL.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“How to dress sexy in your 50s”
—The Daily Telegraph

When I was in my teens and early twenties
I did wear clothes intended to reveal.
But now that I have hit my middle fifties
I’m flattered more by fashions that conceal.

And anyway, the women that I go for
Are not impressed by rock-hard buns or abs.
Though some can have their heads turned by a six-pack—
It’s why I use transparent shopping bags.

by Julia Griffin

“Mites that mate on our faces at night face extinction threat”
—The Guardian

These mites
Most nights
Have dates
With mates
On skin
We’re in
And yet
Face threat
While we
Threat-free
Face their
Derrières.