by Nora Jay
“Couple in India sue son for not giving them a grandchild …
The couple’s lawyer, AK Srivastava, told The National that the couple had demanded the money
‘because of mental cruelty’. ‘It is a dream of every parent to become a grandparent.
They had been waiting for years to become grandparents.'”
—BBC News
A fellow in Uttarakhand
Gave somebody female his hand;
That was six years ago;
Are there offspring yet? No;
And his parents cannot understand.
Their kindness was more than parental:
They housed him, and spared him the rental
“Every parent,” they claim,
“Wants a grandparent’s name;
So we’re suing for cruelty (mental).”
Before such familial scorn,
The son may feel crushed and forlorn;
If so, he might try
What’s been done in Mumbai:
Sue them back, for the fact he was born.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“A new range of gardening-themed condoms have been launched
to encourage older Brits to practice safe sex.”
—Scotland on Sunday
Safe sex at my age means
Remembering to take
A puff on my inhaler
Before I act the rake.
The spirit’s still as keen—
The lungs are rather frailer.
Some men have reputations
For making love for hours.
I too have learnt the knack,
In flowerbeds or bowers,
Of exercising patience—
I’ve got a dodgy back.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“Sizing Up the Decisions of Older Adults: A new training tool helps to assess whether
some seniors can make informed choices about their own care and well-being.”
—The New York Times
Your language has me groaning.
I hate to be a scold,
But please don’t call me older
Instead of simply old.
And even worse is senior.
It makes me quite irate.
I haven’t been a senior
Since 1968!
by Martin F. Kohn
“Southfield funeral director hopes Barbie will bring more women to her profession”
—Detroit Free Press
Barbie’s had a zillion jobs:
Teaching, Flying, Baking…
But Funeral Director’d be
A major undertaking.
by Dan Campion
“As the weather warms, experts warn to watch for invasive jumping worms”
—KARE11
To add to news that makes us squirm
Warm weather brings a jumping worm.
Okay, we’re warned. We’ll keep a watch.
Iced tea? No, thanks. A double Scotch.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Everest reaches to about 29,032 feet above sea level, though that number can change.”
—NPR
Slippery slopery,
Everest’s altitude
rose unexpectedly.
Climbers despair,
though it seems likely that
geocartographers
tasked with the survey went
into thin err.
by Chris O’Carroll
Trump administration officials tell Rolling Stone that during his time in office, the former president
asked repeatedly if China was creating artificial hurricanes and shooting them at the United States,
and whether he should consider bombing China in retaliation.
He harped upon a Chinese plot
To cook up super hurricanes,
Which from some unknown gun they shot
To send us killer winds and rains.
His fever dream might justify,
He mused, some sort of bomb attack.
We’ll hear more deep thoughts from this guy
Once Twitter says he’s welcome back.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“How a passenger with no flight experience landed a plane in a nosedive after the pilot passed out…
[Darren Harrison] an executive of an interior design company, pulled off the landing all while in flip-flops
after fishing in the Bahamas.”
—NBC News
Despite no background flying airplanes, I
Am now this Cessna’s pilot, so I should
Report its plight is serious, and try
Relanding it—in Florida, touch wood …
Excuse me? Roger? No, it’s Darren here,
Negotiating nosedives. This machine
Has no beginner’s guide on how to steer
And steady, while the navigation screen
Refuses to switch on, so I’ve no clue
Regarding my position, though I know
I have the coast of Florida in view—
Should I pull here, or push the knob below? …
On solid ground at last. No further hitch.
Now I must turn this thing off … Where’s the switch?
by Bruce Bennett
“Let’s Give It Up for Vegetables:
With the arrival of spring comes the emergence of brighter, lighter vegetables—
and the unfettered urge to gobble up anything green.”
—Food Blog
To “gobble up anything green”
Is springlike, and what spring should mean!
You’re feeling your oats?
Be like sheep and goats.
Let broccoli lighten your scene.
by Alex Steelsmith
Political analyst Valery Solovei said one of Putin’s health issues was “of a psycho-neurological nature…
[T]he Russian news outlet Proekt also claimed Putin had been using an alternative therapy that involves
bathing in blood extract from severed deer antlers.”
—MercoPress
Tubbily-scrubbily
Vlad the Barbarian
rants as he stews in his
sanguinous mix,
“Never mind modern-day
psychoneurology;
nothing is wrong that a
bloodbath can’t fix!”
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Secrets of longevity from the royal household”
—Scotland on Sunday
Don’t think I’ll live as long as good Queen Liz.
I’m unemployed and poor; she’s rich as hell.
Her life has sparkle; mine has lost its fizz.
In one way, though, our circumstances gel:
She draws her money from the Civil List,
And I’m a scrounger off the State as well.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Pound tumbles to two-year low as stagflation fears rise”
—The Guardian
Throughout the whole Stag Nation,
Tall antlers shake with fear;
This influx of mutation
Means all will soon be dear.
by Stephen Gold
Former tennis star “Boris Becker jailed for two years for hiding assets after bankruptcy”
—The Guardian
A man of many faces,
Who bumbled into crime,
Once famed for serving aces,
Is now just serving time.
His shot at expiation
Was hit with too much spin,
And hence his new location,
No longer OUT! but IN!
The moral of this folly?
When candor falls so short,
One can expect a volley,
In quite a different court.
by Julia Griffin
“A United Airlines passenger was taken into custody Thursday morning at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport
after opening an aircraft door and walking out onto the wing of the plane while it was taxiing.”
—CNN
I hate to produce such a scare,
But waiting I just cannot bear;
So I pushed through a door
(That is what they are for),
Comin’ in on a wing at O’Hare.
by Nora Jay
“Bombshell Leak: Supreme Court Set to Overturn Roe v. Wade”
—Daily Beast
It must be born. That’s it, in few:
The content of the leak is true.
This isn’t illness, so you may
Get back to work without delay,
Or you can quit. It’s up to you.
Why should expenditure accrue
To your employer? Will you sue
To do no work and still have pay?
It must be born.
You should have thought the whole thing through
Before you (Biblically) knew
The father—what is that you say?
You’re fourteen and his daughter? Pray,
That’s our advice. So long. Adieu.
It must be born.
