by Dan Campion

“Republicans expressed unease after Trump’s longtime accounting firm
cut its ties with the former president”
—Business Insider

It’s said that figures don’t tell lies,
But Trump’s can’t be relied on.
And since Mazars has cut its ties,
Some GOP eyes widen
That used to close when he would sneer
And trash the laws and boast.
They see, now, CPA-style clear:
Accountant-less, he’s toast.

by Julia Griffin

“‘Cheese is like heroin’: New York mayor raises eyebrows with drug comparison”
—The Guardian

The eyebrows of New York are raised,
And dropped is its collective chin:
The Mayor has got his people fazed,
Comparing cheese to heroin.

It’s true that both are mostly white,
And execrably over-priced,
But heroin’s a powder (right?),
While cheese, in general, is sliced.

A doctor quickly ascertains
The damage wrought by both of these,
But heroin invades your veins,
While cheese prefers your arteries.

Both dairymen and pushers boast
They have the perfect schoolyard snack,
But heroin’s no good on toast,
And no one orders mac ’n‘ smack.

The Mayor has yet to change his mind.
“Cheese is like heroin!” he states,
And wildly eyes a Stilton rind;
However painfully it grates,

There’s possibly some truth therein,
Allowing this proviso, please:
Cheese, maybe, is like heroin,
But heroin is not like cheese.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Recovering from Covid-19 can be an arduous journey… .
[M]any health experts recommend Yoga and meditation as adjunct therapies
to patients for regaining stamina and speeding up the recovery process.”
—Hindustan Times

Sniffledy snuffledy,
Covid recovery
might be enhanced if you
try this at home:

Think of your malady
monosyllabically.
Never mind Omicron;
simply say Om.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman and Gideon Ridgefield

“Hospitals need to turn down unvaccinated people infected with COVID-19.”
—From a letter to the Daily News

If care is denied to the badly behaved,
Then sick antivaxxers could end up unsaved.
Hey, smokers and drinkers, you better beware!
You might be up next for denial of care.

by Bruce Bennett

Senator Mitch McConnell “criticized the Republican National Committee for its response to the Jan. 6 [2021] attack
on the Capitol. The committee—the party’s official organization—had described the events of Jan. 6
as ‘legitimate political discourse’ and censured… two House members who are helping investigate the riot.
McConnell repudiated his own party. ‘We saw what happened,’ he told reporters. ‘It was a violent insurrection
for the purpose of trying to prevent the peaceful transfer of power after a legitimately certified election…’”
—The New York Times

Let’s hear it for Moderate Mitch,
Who summoned the courage to ditch
What’s clearly outrageous.
It won’t prove contagious,
But hey! Who’d have thought he could switch?

Let’s give him the credit deserved.
He saw what’s not Right, and he swerved.
Take that, RNC!
Whatever’s to be,
For once, simple truth has been served.

by Ellen McWhirter

“Former Vice President Mike Pence on Friday offered his most forceful rebuke
of Donald J. Trump, saying the former president is “wrong” that Mr. Pence
had the legal authority to change the results of the 2020 election and that
the Republican Party must accept the outcome and look toward the future.”
—The New York Times

Ring the bell! Strike the gong!
He dared say 45 was wrong!
Thirteen months. Such record speed!
A man of courage, yes indeed.

Suppose he runs for president
And haste like this sets precedent?
Such valor, daring, grit, and nerve,
Albeit less than we deserve.

So, strike the gong! And ring that bell!
Could this portend a frozen hell?
A shift within the RNC?
Oh wait. This is reality.

by Stephen Gold

“A glamorous suburb of San Francisco known for its village atmosphere and multimillion-dollar
mansions has come up with an audacious strategy to maintain exclusivity and allegedly keep out
social housing projects. Welcome to Woodside, California, the would-be puma habitat.”
—The Times

The purpose of the mountain cat
Is to preserve the habitat
Of California’s idle rich,
Who’ll fight until the final ditch
To categorically ensure
They never live beside the poor.

The argument that they present,
“Concern for the environment,”
Holds water like a leaky sink,
And hides what people really think:
“My neighbor absolutely sucks,
Unless he’s worth ten million bucks.”

The wealthy have the sharpest claws
For fighting pesky planning laws,
With little time for little guys,
And even less for compromise.
But maybe there’s a way to beat ‘em:
Get their new best friends to eat ‘em!

by Steve Bremner

“President Donald Trump tore up briefings and schedules, articles and letters, memos both
sensitive and mundane. … And he did it all in violation of the Presidential Records Act, despite
being urged by at least two chiefs of staff and the White House counsel to follow the law on
preserving documents.”
—The Washington Post

When Donald J. Trump took a fancy
To tearing the trite and the chancy
He said of his breach,
In his strange, shredded speech:
“It’s the one thing I ripped off from Nancy.”

by Catherine Chandler

“Trump’s White House Toilets Were ‘Periodically’ Clogged With Torn-Up Papers, New Book Says:
White House staffers thought Donald Trump himself was to blame, according to [the author]”
—HuffPost

There once was a loser named Trump,
Oh so petulant, peevish and plump;
Who would clog up his loo
With a buttload of poo
And a classified document dump.

Now the National Archives is pissed;
For the files that no longer exist
Have been flushed down the john
By the con called The Don
Who thought they would never be missed.

Though those records cannot reappear,
If comeuppance comes later this year,
On a bowl with no seat
In a cell on D Street,
45 will be parking his rear.

by Steven Kent

“Rotterdam to Partly Dismantle Historic Bridge for Jeff Bezos’s Superyacht”
—The Guardian

I like to think that I’m a guy who’s always building bridges
(Though I define it differently than most),
But this one isn’t tall or wide enough by several smidges,
Which means my boat can’t make it to the coast.

I’m in five hundred million on this One Percent construction,
A tidy sum, I think you’d have to say.
So history be Rotterdamned—I mean to see reduction,
And I’ll write checks until I get my way.

by Julia Griffin

For Tam

“Russian gallery security guard accused of drawing eyes on … Anna Leporskaya’s work
Three Figures.”
—BBC News

Three figures, faceless for some hundred years,
Were given eyes of ballpoint. Had they tears,
Let’s hope they shed them in a timely gush,
Evading the eraser and the brush;
But I suspect they stretched those doodles wide,
Rejoicing in a sense so long denied.
“Look! I can see!” they thought, but did not say
(That’s an ambition for another day).

by Barbara Loots

“Work-from-home spurs blue-collar Americans to seek shits in careers” *
—Kansas City Star

Certain jobs are down the drain
as workers seek a way
to flush out opportunity
and whiter-collar pay.

They’re planning to relieve themselves
of work-related slump
by seeking time at home to take
a nap or take a dump.

They’re signing on the bottom line
to earn a cool degree
that offers benefits like breaks,
sick leave, a salary.

The secret’s out: at home is where
you go to get ahead.
The hours are flexible, and you
can do your job in bed.

* The online typo was swiftly corrected

by Paul Lander

It’s so damn cold that,
To keep warm, the Trumps gather
Around burner phones.

by Julia Griffin

“Creepy ice formations appear after winter storm”
—Fox News

Close your eyes quickly. Speak it not aloud:
The iceman cometh, in his hood, or shroud,
Paler than leprosy, his head held low,
Praying, perhaps (ah, better not to know!).
Whom has he come for? Clasp your children hard;
His long, thin hand is reaching—but regard:
Who are these little figures, lithely leaping,
With tiny, shiny scythes, too cute for reaping?
I know not, but they seem less grim than glad.
“We’ve made a snowman! And it’s just like Dad!”

by Alex Steelsmith

“[Ski jumping] is ‘one of the most eating-disorder plagued sports’… ‘If you’re lighter, you have an advantage’…
‘There will be consequences to not fueling your body how it should be fueled, maybe not right away, but over time.’”
—The Miami Herald

Lightfully flightfully,
underweight ski jumpers
aerodynamically
riding the breeze

find in the long run that
non-alimentary
diets can put them out
over their skis.