by Bruce Bennett

That Putin’s a throwback it’s true.
But what is he throwing back to?
The Czars are passé.
They’ve called it a day.
So what will he have when he’s through?

A Russia that’s bankrupt and grim.
Oh sure, he’ll still go to the gym
And hang out with cronies,
Those gangsters and phonies
Who’ve modeled themselves after him.

by Bruce Bennett

“Putin is a terrible communicator to begin with; …. [H]is KGB instructors found him withdrawn and
tight-lipped, and even his former wife understood him so poorly that,
when he was proposing marriage, she thought he was breaking things off.”
—The Washington Post

No wonder the man is upset.
To others his “da” may mean “nyet.”
Let’s hope he speaks clearly,
Or all may pay dearly.
What’s clear is, his threat is a threat.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Natural gas is once again front and center after Russian Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak
warned that Moscow could halt its exports to Germany and the rest of Europe…”
—MSN

“[E]ven during the peak of the Cold War, the Soviet Union did not resort to such extreme tactics…
Countries in Europe depend heavily on natural gas from Russia to… heat homes.”
—Firstpost

Sinister Minister,
Vladimir’s deputy
warns Europeans their
gas is controlled

mainly by Russia, whose
dictator knows how to
unmetaphorically
make a war cold.

by Steven Kent

“Oil and Gas Lobbyists Are Using Ukraine to Push for a Drilling Free-for-all in The United States”
—The Guardian

It matters not how much we kill
Or if we cause a major spill;
The time is right—drill, baby, drill!
The moment’s here for seizing.

Prepare to take a victory lap
Since Putin chose to pull this crap;
Our governments will crush that sap
And leave his people freezing.

Let’s make the most of what we found.
Quick, move those giant rigs around!
Great opportunities abound,
But sanctions might start easing.

We must act now; we cannot wait.
Tomorrow will be much too late—
By then the crisis could abate,
And that would not be pleasing.

by Dan Campion

“As gas prices surge, here’s how to get the most out of your tank”
—NPR

We thought we’d learn “to get the most,”
Direct from General Patton’s ghost—
A soul undead as Ulalume’s—
Like how to run a tank on fumes,
But get, instead, some gaseous tips,
A glovebox-full, for dull car trips.

by David Hedges

Apple now has Air, for what it’s worth,
And everyone’s aware of Google Earth.
Amazon, to make their tablet hotter,
Chose Fire. What’s left for Microsoft but Water?

by Ruth S. Baker

“Bottles, cans, batteries: octopuses found using litter on seabed:
Creatures seen using discarded items for shelter or to lay eggs,
highlighting ‘extreme ability to adapt’”
—The Guardian

FOR SALE OR RENT: sweet condo, looks bespoke;
Would suit up-coming octopus or squid;
Views on all sides (except where labelled “Coke”);
Good “fixer-upper” (Note: excluding lid).
With boho shabby-chic, it’s also light:
Could be a trailer or a mobile home—
Keep little tentacles all tucked in tight
When Mommy feels the urge to roam the foam!
Though applicants all get a fair review,
The COA will favour those with cash
(Coral or shells), plus proved commitment to
Responsible disposal of their trash.
Be thoughtful and recycle it, with care,
On private beaches! It is welcome there.

by Nora Jay

“[S]almon ‘sue’ US city over harm to population
The lawsuit brought on behalf of the salmon says that river damming
infringes on the fish’s ‘inherent right to exist’”
—The Guardian

One side I decisively am on
Is this of the suit-bringing Salmon:
For them I’ll enlist
To assist to exist:
Damn dams! I’m for Salmon v. Mammon.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“1838 Wallcoverings has unveiled the Essence Collection, a new collection of wallpapers
that combine rich colour palettes from the earth, forests and oceans…”
—Scotland on Sunday

The palette should be natural,
The style guide extolled.
The vibrant earth and woodland tones
Were striking, rich and bold.

Too dear for me, but luckily
My flat is damp and cold—
The walls a vibrant tapestry
Of richly-colored mold.

by Clyde Always

“Former Attorney General William Barr has a passage in his new book about the lengths
his old boss would go to in order to charm guests at meetings.”
—Business Insider

“Though long the meetings often went,
refreshing they would be—
as, graciously, the President
would serve us in D.C.

“Although his television blared,
this rarely was a mar…
and, as we worked, he often shared
his Hershey’s chocolate.”—Barr.

by Orel Protopopescu

“Trump Would Like Supporters to Fund a ‘Trump Force One’ Plane
After Emergency Landing in Private Jet”
—People

(After “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”)

Once I joined a party, made it mine,
drove the liberals insane…
Then they stole my White House, thieving swine.
Brothers, can you spare a plane?

Once I built a tower to the sun,
where I launched my campaign.
Now my engine’s dead and that’s no fun.
Brothers, can you spare a plane?

In Brioni suits,
wow, I looked swell!
Stiffing all lefties was my job…
Pointing bone-spurred feet to Capitol Hell,
I’m the guy drummed up a mob!

Say, don’t you remember, they called me Don,
Putin’s Pawn and Lame Brain?
Send me a few million, please, come on!
MAGA brothers, spare a plane?

by Steven Kent

“‘Freedom Convoy’ Spinoff Arrives In Maryland With About 1,000 Vehicles And Unclear Plans”
—Denton Record-Chronicle

What do we want? You seem unsure.
When do we want it? Too obscure.
We know our rights! Pray tell us, boys.
We will be heard! Ah yes, more noise.
We’ve had enough! Explain, my man.
We will be free! That’s not a plan.

by Julia Griffin

“Sri Lanka to hold state funeral for beloved sacred elephant Raja”
—The Guardian

Call for the langurs and the leopards all;
Let jungle fowl process with toque macaques;
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.

This sacred creature, more than ten feet tall,
Could bear what must have broken others’ backs:
Call for the langurs and the leopards all,

And let them mourn for mortal grandeur’s fall.
Behold, the great heart of the jungle cracks!
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.

While humans lay their long, sepulchral pall
Upon his bier, let deep-voiced leatherbacks
Call for the langurs and the leopards all:

The captive king’s delivered from his stall;
Follow the buffaloes’ tremendous tracks;
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.

Clamour and bellow, screech and howl and squawl;
Raja is free, that mighty battle-axe!
Call for the langurs and the leopards all;
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.

by Alex Steelsmith

“‘He’s a Small Man of Five-Six Saying He’s Five-Seven’: The Psychology Behind Putin’s War”
—Vanity Fair

Short leaders “suffer from what can be referred to as the ‘Napoleon complex’…
little men may try to compensate short stature by an extreme drive…
and initiate conflicts more frequently.”
—Psychology Today

Itsally-bitsally
Vlad the Barbarian
terrifies nations, though
physically small.

Sometimes diminutive
megalomaniacs’
complexes aren’t very
complex at all.

by Bruce Bennett

“Good morning. We are a week into the war in Ukraine,
and my inbox is filled with requests for recipes for borscht.”
—Cooking column in The New York Times

We will defeat the Russian Bear
with mushroom, onion, beet.
We’ll beard him with our strongest fare.
We will defeat the Russian Bear
and show him we are brave and care
through what we make and eat.
We will defeat the Russian Bear
with mushroom, onion, beet.

Our recipes will do the trick.
He will turn tail and run.
If not, we’ll make him weak and sick.
Our recipes will do the trick.
We know what will upend and lick
his missile, tank, and gun.
Our recipes will do the trick.
He will turn tail and run.

He’ll learn that he has met his match
and no more will invade.
We’ll act with purpose and dispatch.
He’ll learn that he has met his match.
He’ll cringe when he observes this batch
of borscht that we have made.

He’ll know then he has met his match
and never more invade!