by Alex Steelsmith
“Amsterdam, with its scenic canals… is slowly crumbling…
Many of the wood pilings have shifted, cracked or collapsed under the pressure,
causing the bridges and canal side walls to sag and crack. Water then seeps in…”
—Wionews
Hurriedly, worriedly,
Amsterdam, Netherlands
seeks Little Dutch Boys with
tiny physiques
willing to offer their
interphalangeal
knuckles to plug all the
Amsterdamn leaks.
by Catherine Chandler
“Anti-Vaxx Doctor Believes ‘Magnetized’ Covid Vaccinations Cause Keys,
Forks and Spoons to Stick to People”
—Mediaite
I thought that she’d had one too many,
the remarkable Dr. Tenpenny,
who believes that vaccines
magnetize people’s genes
and connect with the 5G antennae.
The idea seemed kooky and eerie,
yet I thought I would test out her theory;
since I’d had both my jabs
from the BioNTech labs,
What’s to lose? I thought, scornful and leery.
So I held up a knife to my arm;
then exclaimed in dismay and alarm:
OMG! WTF!
for the damned thing had stuck!
The experiment worked like a charm!
I continued this trial balloon
with a fork and a spork and a spoon.
Why, this doc is a winner!
I’m all set for dinner!
For good measure, I’m fully immune!
by Bruce McGuffin
“In a major step toward returning to pre-pandemic life, Massachusetts on Saturday lifted its
remaining COVID-19 restrictions and rescinded its mask mandate in favor of looser guidance.”
—The Boston Globe
I’ve had all my shots (though I haven’t been wormed)
And I’d take off this mask if my boss just confirmed
What the governor said—that our masks can all go.
But my boss isn’t sure, so we’re taking it slow.
And I think I know why—I’m not going to ask—
Why my boss still insists that we all wear a mask.
He won’t give the word—and he knows that he should—
But the fact is my boss doesn’t look very good.
by Bruce Bennett
“Last fall, with the Medici Chapel in Florence operating on reduced hours because of Covid-19,
scientists and restorers completed a secret experiment: They unleashed grime-eating bacteria
on the artist’s masterpiece marbles.”
—The New York Times
While Covid raged throughout the land,
Some brave restorers took a stand
And loosed good microbes with good taste
To solve the problem that they faced:
How to remove unsightly stains
And blemishes from what remains
The Greatest of Great Art we know,
Sculptures by Michelangelo.
Imagine! Microscopic creatures
That clean and polish limbs and features.
That we can get our glimpse of Heaven
Through bugs with names like SH7!
A miracle! So let’s rejoice.
Let’s raise a glass, and raise our voice
For any virus or bacillus
Who’s there to serve, and not just kill us!
by Claudia Gary
“‘Crunchy, earthy, grassy’ cicada tacos back on menu in Leesburg restaurant”
—WTOP News
No need to wail and sigh
for our cicada taco.
We’ve sourced bugs from Dubai,
where they solidify.
Our health department’s wacko,
but don’t you wail and sigh
for warm cicada fry—
so tender, pre-imago!
We found it in Dubai,
knew it was worth a try
for meals, desserts, a snack—oh,
no need to wail and sigh!
Cicadas amplify
our summer treats, muchacho.
But here, as in Dubai,
you can still DIY:
in trees, there is no lack o’
their yammer, wail, and sigh.
(Louder than from Dubai.)
by Julia Griffin
“Teenage Girl Fights Off Bear to Rescue Dogs”
—CBSN
A bear’s been toppled from a fence!—
An unforeseen experience,
Much more impressive than it sounds:
The toppler weighed some hundred pounds,
The bear some thousand (I expect).
But there were young ones to protect!
The human heroine rushed up,
Lunged out, and grabbed one cherished pup,
Two others running in her wake.
That bear had made a big mistake
In failing here to recognize
What YouTube proves to all our eyes,
A fact which should both cheer and scare:
Not every Mama Bear’s a bear.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“The statue of [colonialist] Cecil Rhodes at Oriel College, Oxford, should be turned to face the
wall in shame, the sculptor Antony Gormley has proposed.”
—The Guardian
“Revere old Cecil Rhodes! It’s not his fault
He helped apartheid prosper!” That’s one view …
“Offload his statue to some distant vault!
Don’t overlook his guilt, he surely knew!”
Encapsulates the view the others take …
Supporters on each Oxford side dig in:
No Rhodes defender wants the bank to break,
Opponents feel besmirched by Cecil’s sin …
The sculptor Gormley, who’s a Cambridge man,
Thinks he knows how to quell this battleground:
Allowing Rhodes on Oxford’s High Street can
Keep both sides happy if he’s turned around,
Exposing his behind to shame and pain—
Now till forever lashed by Oxford rain!
by Iris Herriot
“Artist sells invisible sculpture for over 18K
The 67-year-old explained in a video that ‘you don’t see it but it exists;
it is made of air and spirit.’”
—New York Post
The sculpture I acquired this week
Is necessarily unique:
No empty auction-room caprice,
But true, unspotted masterpiece.
All day I proudly, vainly gaze,
While music ambiently plays
Whose aptitude you’ll quickly gauge:
That famous oeuvre by John Cage.
I’ve done my best to guarantee
My purchase’s pristinity;
Accordingly, there’s not a speck
Of signature upon the cheque.
by Bruce Bennett
“Putting pen to paper at the world’s first-ever silent town crier competition, Britain’s loudest citizens
[were] judged not on the volume and clarity of their shouted cries, but on the content of their
written words.”
—Atlas Obscura
Town criers in silence
With never a shout?
That seems simply dotty.
What is that about?
Well, Jolly Old England
Has just found a way
To judge how well criers
Cry silence today.
Don’t take it from me, folks.
Just read the report.
They’ve gone to extremes
In this “extreme sport.”
The lesson is one
That may serve us all well.
Just say what you have to.
You don’t have to yell.
by Julia Griffin
“Magawa the rat, who was awarded a gold medal for his heroism, is retiring from his job detecting landmines
In a five-year career, the rodent sniffed out 71 landmines and dozens more unexploded items in Cambodia.
But his handler Malen says the seven-year-old African giant pouched rat is ‘slowing down’ as he
reaches old age and she wants to “respect his needs.” …
‘Magawa’s performance has been unbeaten, and I have been proud to work side-by-side with him,’
Malen said.”
—BBC News
All hail to MAGAWA, the star of the fields,
Who sniffs out the worst poor Cambodia yields:
The resolute rodent, found second to none,
Whose tally of landmines is seventy-one.
His regular colleague expresses her pride
At working five years with him, side against side;
But now he’s begun to slow down, she concedes,
And hence she’s concerned with respecting his needs.
So let us applaud as his medal’s conferred
(Each throat is constricted, each eye somewhat blurred):
He’s truly a hero, and evidence that
There is a good MAGA: two-thirds of a rat.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Researchers at Duke University are developing a Smart Toilet to help gastroenterologists diagnose chronic digestive issues… Data is collected with each flush.”
—WBTV
Hickory dickory
Duke University
claims its intelligent
toilet can test
multifactorial
gastrointestinal
ills, though the data seems
hard to digest.
by Julia Griffin
“Argentinian TV reports death of Shakespeare after Covid jab …
[A] newsreader on Canal 26, mixed up the Bard with William ‘Bill’ Shakespeare,
an 81-year-old Warwickshire man who became the second person in the world
to get the Pfizer vaccine.”
—The Guardian
Reflect, ye poets light or weighty,
Upon a year surpassed by none:
Bob Dylan’s reached the age of eighty,
And Shakespeare’s died, aged eighty-one.
by Nina Parmenter
An English drug dealer has been caught after posting a photo on social media of his hand
holding his favorite stilton cheese. Police were able to extract his fingerprints from the photograph.
If your business is handfuls of E’s,
jump on board social media, please,
for our case can be built on
a photo of stilton—
hey, hold up your fingers! Say cheese!
by Bethany Mootsey
“Simone Biles… became the first woman to compete a Yurchenko double pike, a vault so difficult
few men even attempt it. She is pushing the boundaries of her sport… . Yet, based on guidance
from the [International Gymnastics Federation], judges at the U.S. Classic gave her new vault a start
value—the measure of its difficulty—of just 6.6 points. Pretty much everyone agrees that woefully
undervalues the skill.”
—Opinion in USA Today
Simone, all alone in a league of her own,
The goat who can float like a boat in the bay
While the sheep stand and weep, for the water’s too deep,
Simone, rhinestones sewn, braves the waves, sets the tone.
Simone in the zone is a queen on a throne.
Why vote to demote Biley Goat’s deft display?
“We must keep all the sheep from attempting the leap,”
Herders drone in the tone of a dull chaperone.