by Chris O’Carroll

“Caitlyn Jenner says she is committed to completing border wall”
—Today

Trans athletes get no love at all,
But I’m in favor of the wall.
To woke folks, I am now a chick,
But vote for me, I’m still a dick.

by Julia Griffin

“Farmer moves border stone for tractor—and makes Belgium bigger …
The boundary between France and Belgium is believed to have been inadvertently redrawn
by a farmer who found the 200-year-old border stone marking the divide in an inconvenient
location for his tractor. …
While amused by the enlargement of his town, David Lavaux, the mayor of Erquelinnes, gently
pointed out that the farmer was legally obliged to move the border stone back—and that it would be
best not ‘to create a diplomatic incident’.“
—The Guardian

In Flanders fields, where turnips grow,
And other things you have to hoe,
There stands a boulder, two-foot high:
That is, there stood. But now, oh my!
Diplomacy’s received a blow.

Was Obelix the culprit? No:
It was a farmer, keen to mow
The site it used to occupy
In Flanders fields.

On Belgium’s side, le maire Lavaux
Is prudently exclaiming, “Whoa!
Let’s leave our ancient termini:
This move leaves France some eight feet shy,
But let’s not chance a quid pro quo
In Flanders fields.”

by Michael Calvert

“Wyoming’s economy is powered by some of the oldest industries in human history, including
mining, agriculture and tourism. But in recent years the state has emerged as an unlikely
champion of far newer inventions: cryptocurrencies and the blockchain technology that powers them.”
—MarketWatch

Some folks might find it strange, out here on the open range,
Where the dogies frolic in the summer breeze,
That we did some legislatin’ for the purpose of creatin’
A climate good for cryptocurrencies.

Now, we’d all like to stay true to the wild, wild west we knew,
But we know Wyoming ain’t the same old place.
We’re plumb low on oil and coal, so it had to be our goal
To diversify our economic base.

So, young feller, if you hanker to become a Bitcoin banker
The Cowboy State is where you oughta be.
We know the time has come (we’re just cowboys, we ain’t dumb)
To lasso the financial industry.

Warren Buffet says we’re mad and that crypto’s just a fad—
It’s seein’ money where the money ain’t.
If it turns out that we’re wrong, we’ll just sing a cowboy song,
Sell short, turn west, and ride off on Old Paint.

by Alex Steelsmith

“‘I am considering… the honor to go into the position of politics, as the governor of Texas,’
McConaughey said… ‘I would say, as far as running, I’m not until I am. So my decision hasn’t changed
because I’m still not.’”
—USA Today

Loosily-goosily,
Matthew McConaughey
hasn’t said yes, but he
hasn’t refused,

leaving his possible
gubernatorial
rivals a little bit
Dazed and Confused.

by Barbara Loots

“The U.S. Army apologized after a trainee left Fort Jackson and hijacked a school bus…
It was during personal hygiene time in the morning that the trainee left the Army instillation.'”
—The State, Columbia SC

Clearly the soldier wasn’t willing.
What on earth were they instilling??

by Clyde Always

“Minnesota bank hostage standoff ends with arrest, no injuries”
—NBC

A Wells within L’etoile du Nord
has caused a huge sensation;
great crowds all gaped in shock to watch
a hostage situation.
Now at its end, the robber’s caught—
not much of him do we know—
the only thing that’s certain is
he ain’t no Al Pacino.

by Nora Jay

“Piers Morgan has taken aim once more at Meghan Markle, this time decrying the Duchess of Sussex
for writing [a] children’s book. …
Last month, it was reported that Markle was assembling a legal team to respond to Piers Morgan’s
numerous claims about her.”
—The Independent

Which do you favor, of Meghan and Morghan?
Meghan, according to Morghan,’s a gorghan;
Morghan’s all jarghan and sloghan, says Meghan:
A wannabe mate who was told to go beghan’.
So Morghan continues to blast like an orghan,
And Meghan’s still waving her lawyers at Morghan,
But this is a squabble in need of no eghan’;
No meghaphone needed for Morghan or Meghan.

by Chris O’Carroll

“GOP Leader: Biden Grant Plan Referencing Anti-Racism, 1619 Project Is ‘Divisive Nonsense’”
—Education Week

Some whites don’t want to talk about
The stuff we did before,
While others are bummed out that we
Can’t do it anymore.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“‘No one judges you out here’: fishing prescribed for NHS patients”
—The Guardian

I asked my doctor: “What prescription could
Cure my addiction to my codeine fix?”
He said: “What I prescribe will be for good—
This here will stop you shooting up for kicks!”
He wrote: “Go fishing, morning, noon and night.
You cast your line, and you do NOT let go.
Its healing power comes when fishes bite,
Cocooning you in calmness. You will glow! …
Provided you grip firmly—with both hands—
Holistic ichthyic physic’s bound to cure
Your ailment—trust me, Doctor understands!” …
So I was cured. But how? I’m far from sure
It’s fishing—I believe my double grip
Curbed reaching for my needle for a trip!

by Chris O’Carroll

Biden is seizing the steaks from your grill!
Banning your burgers! Imposing woke will!
(None of it’s true, but we broadcast it loud.
Talk about throwing red meat to the crowd.)

by Bruce Bennett

Let’s hear it for the cello school
whose students come to play
for local farmers and their cows.
Their music makes the day

For everyone, especially cows,
who jostle for position
and drink it in with eager ears,
as if it were their mission

To choose the program best for cows.
Tchaikovsky suits them well.
Dvorak not so much. But Liszt…
It isn’t hard to tell

What they approve of. Cow applause
would drown “Hymne de L’Amour”
if only cows could shout “Bis! Bis!”
and knew what hooves are for.

by Nora Jay

“Ex-Trump adviser… Larry Kudlow grumbles that Biden’s climate policies
would force Americans to drink ‘plant-based beer’…”
—The Guardian

(To the tune of “Goober Peas”)

Sitting in a Fox hole, full of peeve and bile,
Larry lists some foodstuffs absolutely vile:
Biden’s banning burgers—Armageddon’s here—
Mourn your Independence, drinking plant-based beer.

Beer, beer, beer, beer,
Drinking plant-based beer.
Goodness how pernicious,
Drinking plant-based beer.

COVID’s close to air-tight—well, it used to be;
Now they’ve got us masked, so nobody is free.
Yearning for some poultry? Too late now, I fear:
Lick your own sad fingers, drinking plant-based beer.

Beer, beer, beer, beer,
Drinking plant-based beer.
Goodness how seditious,
Drinking plant-based beer.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Letterman set the standard for quirks and rituals among late-night hosts. His involved copious…
stacks of squares from Hersey [sic] chocolate bars… He would consume the whole stack in one quick
sitting, right before he went on the air.”
—CNNBusiness

“Some studies examining the health benefits of chocolate
suggest… the right kinds of chocolate, consumed regularly, can help keep…
your mind sharp and alert, and your mood calm and happy.”
—University Health News

Jocular chocular
David M. Letterman
gobbled his Hershey bars
lickety-split;

research suggests that this
idiosyncrasy
helped keep his monologues
choc full of wit.

by Julia Griffin

“80-year-old review wrecks Citizen Kane’s 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes”
—The Guardian

In other news: the Brandenburg concerti
The Marquis rates at fifteen out of thirty.
King James’s final verdict on Macbeth?
Six out of twenty. Too much doom and death.
Like Gettysburg? You’re barking up the wrong street:
They left out the response of one J. Longstreet,
And Scripture’s record someone ought to straighten.
One out of ten for bias, reckons Satan.

by Catherine Chandler

“Canadian beavers chomp down town’s internet”
—BBC

We dwellers in a B.C. town
woke up to find the Net was down.
No Instagram. No Twitter feed.
No Facebook. We were miffed, indeed.

We all put in a friendly call
(we are Canadians, after all)
to Telus, who relieved us of
our patriotic beaver love.

In an attempt to build a home,
our mascot burrowed through the loam,
then with his emblematic teeth
he chewed right through the cable sheath.

By afternoon, the Net was back
from its environmental hack.
And though the beavers were at fault,
we took it with a grain of salt.

For though it wasn’t front-page news
of daily horrors (you-know-who’s),
the incident at Tumbler Ridge
had made us chuckle, just a smidge.