by Stephen Pisani
“Boy, 12, Remains Totally Calm Despite The Massive Bear Creeping Up Behind Him”
—HuffPost
A bear’s behind me, but I’m not afraid.
I keep my cool, retrace my steps to camp.
My parents yell, “Return at once to shade!”
I walk unhurried. I won’t risk a cramp.
“Return! Return!” My parents yell it loud.
The bear seems nice. I’m thinking, What the heck?
I dawdle, going slow as I’m allowed.
“He’s getting close!” I turn around to check.
by J.P. Celia
“World’s most endangered primate population
triples after 17 years of careful conservation.”
—Good News Network
The gibbon is my favorite beast.
My favorite monkey, to be sure.
It’s not a monkey, but an ape.
An ape’s a monkey, but mature.
The gibbon doesn’t have a tail.
I guess somebody sawed it off.
It doesn’t have a family name,
Like Hindenburg or Romanov.
It swings, or rather, “brachiates.”
It’s lost its wallet and its keys.
It’s also lost its underwear.
It speaks in fluent gibbonese.
by Ruth S. Baker
“’Milli Violini’: I was a fake violinist in a world-class miming orchestra’”
—The Guardian
I’ve longed to play the violin
Since I was just a tiddler.
What matter if I’ve ears of tin?
I’m still a world-class fiddler.
by Julia Griffin
“‘Llamas are the real unicorns’: why they could be our secret weapon against coronavirus …
Llama antibodies have been a fixture in the fight against disease for years, with researchers
investigating their potency against HIV and other viruses.”
—The Guardian
The Llama and the Unicorn
Disputed which was real.
The Llama said: “That glitzy horn
Establishes the deal:
I am the one who grows the wool
While you do tail-coiffures;
You’re rainbowish and fanciful;
I’m making virus cures.”
The Unicorn demurely rolled
Mascara-laden eyes,
And murmured: “Sheepy, must you scold?
You’re welcome to the prize
Of being laden, shorn, and tame,
And fixing HIV;
Just don’t, I beg you, try to claim
That you’re a real-er me.”
by David Hedges
“Dopey annoys Grumpy and Doc on a consistent basis.”
—Wikipedia
Snow White Kayleigh
First thing she did was give the press
Her word that “I will never lie.”
Four minutes later, more or less,
She did, and didn’t bat an eye.
Bashful Rudy
Did Giuliani disappear
Or simply quench his quest for fame?
If he got tossed out on his ear,
Assume that Dopey Don’s to blame.
Grumpy Mike
The Brothers Grimm had Pence in mind
When dreaming Grumpy up. His heart
is cold, his ears are deaf, he’s blind
And can’t stand women, for a start.
Happy Betsy
Hard starboard is the course she steers
As first mate on the Ship of Fools.
If Dopey Don gets four more years,
She’ll do away with public schools.
Doc Anthony
His street cred’s dubious, at best,
Since only Dopey Don knows where
And when and why and what to test,
And how to beat Obamacare.
Sneezy Mitch
He runs his Punch and Judy show
With buggy whip and monkey wrench.
He claims his Russian quid pro quo
Is quite all right, despite the stench.
Evil Queen Ivanka
She spends her time invoking spells
Intended to conceal her wealth.
Her offshore fortune swells and swells;
Her cluelessness betrays her stealth.
Crown Prince Jared
He knows enough to know he knows
Enough to know he’s always right,
And so, like Monty Python, goes
Clip clopping off, an arrant knight.
Dopey Don
He pulls a Joker from his sleeve
When no one blessed with common sense
Would in a million years believe
That anyone could be so dense.
Sleepy Joe
His numbers show it pays to hunker
Like vintage wine upon a shelf,
Sequestered in a basement bunker
While Dopey Don destroys himself.
Barack, the Magic Mirror
He knows what Dopey Don wants most:
To reign upon a golden throne,
To lay to rest his Daddy’s ghost,
And boost his low testosterone.
by Evan D. Morris
Sir Isaac sought Gold from Pb.
Brother Joseph was sold for Ag.
But thanks to the Virus
and lack of papyrus,
We’d all trade Au for TP.
by Philip Kitcher
“Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is using the $2 trillion coronavirus stabilization law to throw a lifeline to education sectors she has long championed, directing millions of federal dollars intended primarily for public schools and colleges to private and religious schools. … The Bergin University of Canine Studies said its $472,850 allocation was a ‘godsend.'”
—The New York Times
All our schools should receive the support they deserve
To the limit that we can afford.
But a cabinet officer never should swerve
From fulfilling the work of the Lord.
I have never set foot in a government school
(And I don’t intend now to begin!).
I shall always stay true to the Lord’s holy rule
Not to truckle or traffic with sin.
For they teach that God’s creatures have changed and evolved—
“We’re just apes”—so these sinners believe.
Till such evils are cured I am firmly resolved,
That no money from me they’ll receive.
Universities too are where prodigals dwell,
Lying down with the liberal hogs.
Not a cent shall I spend to pave highways to hell—
Every penny shall go to the dogs.
So give praise to the Lord who our Leader appoints
For the war on the secular state.
I shall serve as the vessel the Party anoints.
All my works may the Three consecrate!
by Barbara Loots
“’He’s a very brilliant guy,’ Trump said on Monday, referring to Pompeo,
‘…I’d rather have him on the phone with some world leader than have him
wash dishes because maybe his wife isn’t there.’”
—The Kansas City Star
Dishwasher, Darling, that’s what you should be.
The president says so, and I so agree.
Just leave the important decisions to me.
Wives should be barefoot and pregnant and mute.
Where is Melania? Pressing his suit
and sweeping the residence kitchen to boot.
Bible examples like Vashti foretell
if wives disobey, the whole state goes to hell.
(Husbands should frequently beat them as well.)
Equality means you have your part to play,
like scrubbing and cooking and sewing all day.
And waiting on me. It’s the natural way.
by Orel Protopopescu
(With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
He was the very model of a fine inspector general,
investigating fraud and waste, endemic and perennial,
who heard that Mike Pompeo used security to fetch his meals
and dog and son and dry-cleaned clothes, like menials with guns and wheels.
What’s worse, Mike cried “Emergency!” to peddle in the Emirates
and to the Saudis weapons seized by rebels backed by warring states.
Now Yemen’s bombed to bits, which to a lobbyist’s a “trade expense”
and Mike’s old West Point pal has moved from Raytheon to head Defense.
And there’s the matter of the dinners Pompous held for billionaires
to shore up lists of donors with the briefest nod to world affairs.
All this and more Steve Linick would have done his best to scrutinize
if Mike Pompeo hadn’t asked the Prez to cut him down to size.
Like Grimm (at Health) or Fine (Defense) and Atkinson (Intelligence),
Steve Linick was a victim of a fear of searing evidence.
Can Akard keep Steve’s place at State or Linick still be liminal,
or was he doomed as soon as he got wind of something criminal?
by Nora Jay
“South Korean football team apologises for using sex dolls to fill stands
After reviewing the case, league officials accepted FC Seoul’s claim that
it did not know the mannequins were sex toys, but said it ‘could have
easily recognised their use using common sense and experience.'”
—The Guardian
Don’t think it’s all no hips and bouncy chests:
A high-class doll will Share His Interests,
And so we’ve always thought it such a shame
We don’t get taken to a football game.
We come with phrases perfectly designed,
Like “Come, on dribble!” and “The ref is blind!”
“Foul!” “Offside!” “It was in!” “It wasn’t!” “Goal!”—
So when we got the call from FC Seoul,
We shouted, “Here we go!” and packed the stands,
Making big gestures with our bendy hands.
And now it seems we’ve caused an awful fuss:
The team insists they never ordered us;
There was some sort of mix-up with the mail;
They innocently finalized the sale
Without a clue what we’re intended for.
Oh yes. Believe us, boys: we know the score.
by Eddie Aderne
“Court dismisses appeal from woman claiming to be Salvador Dalí’s daughter
The saga made headlines around the world—as did the news that Dalí’s moustache had endured.
‘His moustache is still intact, [like clock hands at] 10 past 10, just as he liked it. It’s a miracle,’ said
Narcís Bardalet, the embalmer who prepared Dalí’s body after his death and helped with the
exhumation.”
—The Guardian
When the body of Dali was raised from the ground
And scientists poked in the box
(Obliging his soi-disante daughter), they found
The Master’s mustachios, once so renowned,
Still pointing to 10 after 10—no way downed,
Or droopy or gloopy or, as it were, drowned,
Like those differently-horrible clocks.
by Evan D. Morris
Batman of Gotham, el Zorro, Lone Ranger:
one-man defenders against unseen danger.
These trusty three…
are kinda like me.
We leave people asking, “Who was that masked stranger?”
by Nicole Caruso Garcia
Mayday for malady:
Rx Remdesivir!—
Gilead’s charting a
Course for the sick.
COVID-19 and its
Fingers-crossed-antidote
Both sound like planets in
Some sci-fi flick.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Anybody who joins one of our coalitions is vetted. And so quite obviously,
all of our coalitions espouse policies and say things that are, of course,
exactly simpatico with what the president believes. …
Our job at the campaign is to reflect President Trump’s point of view.”
—Tim Murtaugh, reelection campaign communications director, on recruiting pro-Trump physicians
for TV appearances to advocate speedy reopening
Many docs want to keep you alive
(We would guesstimate four out of five),
But we’ll dig up a few
Who are willing to spew
Fearless Leader’s election-year jive.
They’ll say, Open the country today!
Don’t let socialists lead us astray!
Then they’ll piously sigh
That the thousands who’ll die
Are a price our great nation should pay.
Since they see things this president’s way,
They will say what he tells them to say,
And they might even teach
Us to shoot up with bleach
Til this magically all goes away.
by Brian Allgar
President Trump said in a Monday tweet that he is “looking for a new outlet” after a Fox News host slammed his announcement that he’s taking hydroxychloroquine, and told viewers “This will kill you.”
Donald’s mood is far worse than mere pique;
He’s so angry, he barely can speak.
“I rely on Fox guys
To support all my lies,
But they said something TRUTHFUL this week!”