by Brendan Beary
“Pretty fly for a white guy: insect on Mike Pence’s head upstages vice-president”
—The Guardian
Higgledy piggledy
Musca domestica,
a.k.a. housefly, just
proved what we knew;
Entomological
Jargon aside, it’s a
Knack flies possess: how to
Find Number 2.
by Julia Griffin
“A boy gave a Baby Yoda to crews battling Oregon wildfires. They lovingly passed it among firefighters, across state lines.”
—The Washington Post
The fire brigades of Oregon
Have filled their trucks, as per the rules:
Long cords, with reels to wind them on;
Hammers and hydrants; lockout tools;
Protective gear for all the crew:
Those super-boots and tags and gloves;
Big cylinders of CO2;
And last, the one the whole truck loves:
Their Baby Yoda (though we’re told
That those are not his proper names),
To us mere darling, but to bold
Opponents of the Western flames
A doughty, duffle-coated pal.
Firefighters Forcify he shall!
by Nora Jay
“CNN reporter Joe Johns was forced to fend off a raccoon on the White House lawn, moments before going to air. ‘Frickin’ racoons, man. God, again!’ he said.”
—The Guardian
Though not to be reckoned as boons,
Let’s pardon the White House racoons;
Of creatures that sicken,
Racoons, although frickin’,
Are safer than maskless buffoons.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“An angry elk gored a Colorado man finishing a round of golf over the weekend”
—CNN
The golfer needs to understand the rut,
Especially when bulls are on the green.
Elks don’t much care if you just want to putt,
If keen to steal their dames is how you’re seen!
No golfer should be ignorant of how
Golf carts sound like a serenader’s tune:
Once bulls believe you’re coveting a cow,
Forget about a quiet afternoon! …
For golfing irons poking from a bag,
Approaching in a golf cart on the grass,
Not only look like antlers to a stag,
Elks fear they’re in the harem-stealing class! …
Lest you be gored by antlers hard as nails,
Keep golf bags out of sight of rutting males!
by Chris O’Carroll
“What if gay guys took pictures of themselves making out with each other or doing very gay things, then tagged themselves with #ProudBoys. I bet it would mess them up real bad.”
—George Takei
New, fabulous hashtag blows fascists away.
The Pride Boys are owning the Proud Boys today.
by Dan Campion
“SpaceX’s Starman and Elon Musk’s Tesla just made their 1st Mars flyby”
—Space.com
Our landforms sinking under roads and cars,
Of course we’d have a roadster prowl past Mars,
A “starman” propped up in the driver’s seat
To prospect for the next world to deplete.
by Julia Griffin
“Photographs of a Turkish scrap yard shows once glamorous cruise vessels being torn apart,
their component parts harvested for reuse, recycling or disposal after being retired early due to
the pandemic.”
—CNN
Gilt princesses of the sea,
Lately gowned in luxury,
Dandled in the ocean’s lap,
Find themselves now ripped for scrap.
Grace and elegance afloat
Black tie, dance floor, tables d’hôtes,
Sprawl before the common crowd,
Crumpled, cruddy, and unbowed.
What’s become of all the pride
Lighting once the starboard side?
Beauties lustrously bedecked
Are retired, disposed of, wrecked.
Pampered guests no longer care.
For these dead boats, sigh a prayer.
by Joseph Moorman
“Rare Side Effect of Drug Given to Trump for COVID Includes Grandiose Delusions”
—Newsweek
Can the steroid to fight COVID
In its presidential host
Produce one of its side effects
Before he’s even dosed?
by Chris O’Carroll
I whipped off the mask for my balcony scene,
Then took to the tweets for a session of spleen.
Pumped full of good things by my beautiful docs,
I put the kibosh on the stimulus talks.
Relief plans can wait till I’ve won the election.
Oops, stock market tanked, so I changed my direction.
Stimulus bills are now back on the table.
I’m not erratic and I’m not unstable.
I go postal when seeing my minions decline
To arrest Democrats, but my brain works just fine.
The way I’m behaving, nobody can tell
That I’m even a teeny bit weak or unwell.
by Julia Griffin
“Trump experiencing ‘mild symptoms’ after testing positive for Covid-19”
—NBC News
The President has COVID and it’s very, very sad;
The very best of wishes are the only ones he’s had;
And nobody is saying (not the brutalest of bruisers)
That getting sick’s for sissies or that dying is for losers.
The President has COVID, as I think I’ve said before;
If Schadenfreude comes my way, I’m showing her the door.
Here’s hoping that he rallies (and the rallies hope it too),
And COVID’s gone by Christmas, Mr. President, with you.
by Coleman Glenn
I saw on CNN today
That Fox News wasn’t right
In saying CNN had skewed
What Fox News said last night.
What false report inspired this spat?
Well, no one seems to know:
Apparently they all lost track
About four years ago.
by Dan Campion
“The First Dinosaur Feather Ever Found Is Still Controversial”
—Gizmodo
When Archaeopteryx stepped out
And strutted down the ramp
To flaunt that feather and to flout
The rules of scale, and vamp,
She shocked the mavens and her peers.
It’s still a rad design
A hundred fifty million years
Of Fashion down the line.
by Brian Allgar
A British wildlife sanctuary has been forced to separate five parrots
who wouldn’t stop swearing at visitors.
“Fuck off, you prick!” the parrot screeched,
And launched a vicious sally,
His mates repeating all his oaths:
“Fat twat! You’ve gone doolally!”
Someone should take these foul-mouthed birds
To Donald Trump’s next rally.
by Chris O’Carroll
After I lose this year’s election,
I’ll make demands and they’ll enforce them.
My treason needs their armed protection.
Do I denounce them? I endorse them!
by Nora Jay
In flight from Tuesday’s bitter matter,
I found before my Googling eyes
Jacassement—the French for “chatter”;
A word I plan to Anglicize.