by Ruth S. Baker

“Tito’s warns customers: Vodka is not a safe hand sanitizer”
—UPI

Our customers inquire: for sanitizing,
Is Vodka safe? Our word to them is Nope.
Coincidentally, we’re not advising
Concocting Bloody Marys out of soap.

by Bruce Bennett

“… Even bathroom odors and FLATULENCE
are a means of transmission.”**
—an email ad by Dr. Gil Mobley, “physician
and microbiologist”

You thought it was bad, but it’s worse than you thought.
It turns out that COVID- 19 can be caught
if you’re too close to someone and just get a whiff.
So, be on your guard, and FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T SNIFF!

Stay out of all bathrooms. Avoid every crowd.
There’s always the chance that the sound won’t be loud.
The virus will get you, and then you will croak,
and Silent But Deadly will not be a joke!

**Editors’ note: We’ve found no scientific literature that supports this claim.

by Susan McLean

at the American Academy in Rome

I’d booked my flight to Italy;
the world was mine to roam.
But now I rue it bitterly
while Romans all stay home.

I thought I’d tour the sights a bit:
all Rome would be my oyster.
But then coronavirus hit,
and now the world’s my cloister.

My nagging sense of menace has
a rapid downward spiral,
replaying Death in Venice as
my holiday goes viral.

by Alex Steelsmith

Piggledy giggledy,
Bloomberg the Billionaire
stood on his toes (not a
box) to report

all of his efforts to
undemocratically
buy the election were
coming up short.

by Donald Wheelock

A cantankerous, Federalist star
thought the president some kind of czar,
thus empowering Trump
who’s again on the stump:
It’s time to disbar William Barr.

by Julia Griffin

“Happy Women’s History Month!”
—Email received from Liveyourdream.org

This is a month for feeling blithe and sistery—
A little envious, perhaps, but joyful too:
This month we honor Happy Women’s History;
At last those Happy Women get their due

Now’s not the time for Sylvia or Assia,
Virginia, or Marie Antoinette;
The mood this March is cheerier and sassier,
But also calmer. Not the suffragette,

Like Mrs. Pankhurst, chained against a railing,
Or Joan of Arc, or Mary Queen of Scots;
Let’s praise those gals whose lives were plainer sailing,
On crystal seas, in well-appointed yachts.

Glad Women, thanks! Imagining the fun of you
Brightens my days with something like good cheer;
And if I knew the name of even one of you,
Or anything you did, I’d blaze it here.

by Dan Campion

“Please Put Calamity on Hold. Style Is on the Line.”
—New York Times National Print Edition

Please put calamity on hold,
For Style is on the line.
It’s Paris Fashion Week. Be bold!
Come worship high design:

Bouclés and taffetas, tall boots,
Hot pants and bandeau tops—
What makes a world? Hot photo shoots.
A skinny glass of schnapps.

Don’t phone it in, then. Make the scene;
The cure for every blight,
With cavalcades of sylphs serene,
Couture will set you right.

by Erika Fine

Hiding in the undecided mind,
Biden staged a comeback from behind.
Bernie’s engine lost a little steam.
Warren’s chances faded to a dream.
Pete and Amy stopped their silly spat,
Bowing out and helping Joe combat
The surging leftist faction they all fear
Will catalyze a win for Trump this year.
Bloomberg’s words were graceful in goodbye—
Five hundred million’s not, for him, so high.
His hefty wallet now will go to Biden
In hopes that Joe’s new dominance will widen.
They all agree on one objective, though:
To save our nation, Donald Trump must go!

by Julia Griffin

“A man brought a llama in a tuxedo to his sister’s wedding,
and the photo of her unamused expression is going viral.”
—Insider

A man conveyed me to his sister’s wedding
In a tuxedo, much to my surprise.
I felt so awkward I could not stop shedding:
It wasn’t just the error in the size.

The photo of my unamused expression
Is going viral. Why should that perplex?
Before you have a costumed photo session
With llamas, kindly ask about our sex.

my home town

by Pat D’Amico

“Kirkland, Wash., becomes epicenter of coronavirus response as cases spread”
—The Washington Post

We’re advised, if we’re sixty plus,
(My friends all agree that means us)
To stay in our homes, hunkered down—
No shopping or nights on the town.
But for travelers, space is a breeze:
Just say, “I’m from Kirkland” and sneeze.

by Julia Griffin

“Possible new ‘minimoon’ discovered orbiting Earth
It’s been with us for three years, astronomers say. Sadly, it’ll probably be gone by spring. …
Meet 2020 CD3, Earth’s newest possible ‘minimoon.'”
—Space.com

This possible new minimoon
Is due to vanish with the spring.
It’s just a little skinimoon
But whirling like a spinimoon
(No hint of ignominimoon),
Exuberantly orbiting.

Has it a name? No commoners
Were party to this travesty,
But thanks to some astronomers
(Judiciously anonomers)
This minimoonimoniker’s
Just 2020 CD3.

by Dan Campion

“This will end.”
—The President of the United States, at a press conference on the coronavirus

All maladies do come to closure.
Why, then, fret about exposure?
One day, each raging fever’s spent.
Let’s look beyond this president.

by Nora Jay

“Republicans furious over history lesson comparing Trump to Nazis“
—The Guardian

“Outcry after MSNBC host compares Sanders’ Nevada win to Nazi invasion“
—The Guardian

This week we have ear-marked the Wehrmacht,
The versatile Waffen SS,
The Reich and the Führer.
What trick could be surer
For lighting a fire in the Press?

We quickly saw Donald McConnelled
(That’s “fought for with pop-eyed hauteur”):
It’s Liberal slurring
To talk about Göring!—
The GOP shrinks from a slur;

But as for old Bernie, his journey
Has garnered some Foxian cred:
To have a belittler
Compare him with Hitler
Is better than Wrong-Sort-Of-Red.

by Chris O’Carroll

“China bans trade, consumption of wild animals due to coronavirus”
—Reuters

If I want a pangolin sandwich,
Civet soup, or a peacock pâté,
The public health nannies will thwart me.
They’re taking my snake meat away.

OK, there might be a pandemic.
They might have good reason to say
That crocodile flesh is off limits,
But I crave bat tidbits today.

by Eddie Aderne

“Film director Rian Johnson has lifted the lid on a secret in the world of product placement—Apple will not allow its kit to be used by a villainous character on screen.
‘Apple, they let you use iPhones in movies, but—and this is very pivotal—if you’re ever watching a mystery movie, bad guys cannot have iPhones on camera,’ [said] Johnson.”
—The Guardian

On the blazing silver screen,
Sinners grope and grapple,
But one thing they won’t be seen
Touching is an Apple.

Keep outside the filmset’s bounds
Rogues With iPads— this’ll
Give the sponsors instant grounds
For unpaid dismissal.

Hold those MacBook Airs aloft!
Keep them clean and squeaky!
(Luckily there’s Microsoft
If your gangster’s geeky.)