by Julia Griffin
“Future of Borges estate in limbo as widow doesn’t leave will… ‘If there really is no will, it’s surprising,’
said Santiago Llach, a writer who is a specialist on Borges’ work.”
—AP News
Is there no will for JLB?
Not, maybe, in the world we see,
But students of fantastic maths
Will sense a site of forking paths.
Take One and you will find a box
Equipped with neither key nor locks.
Down Two, two wills await: both claim
The other is a hoax, or game.
The Third leads to a coded will,
Defeating all decoders’ skill.
The Fourth reveals a lawyer’s cable:
SEARCH IN THE LIBRARY OF BABEL.
What lurks down Five should foster fear:
A testamentary “Zahir.”
Six has a will that’s clear (please note it):
Alas, it seems Cervantes wrote it,
But Seven’s should alone suffice.
It never says the same thing twice.
by Philip Kitcher
“’I have gained such respect for this grand jury, & perhaps even the grand jury system as a whole,’
Trump said in a post on Truth Social [the day before the grand jury voted to indict him].”
—The Hill
Believing rumors he was fed,
he felt his fears allayed.
“A great, grand jury,” Donald said,
in efforts to persuade.
The greatest minds can be misled
by some witch-hunting twerp.
That great grand jury found instead
The Presidential Perp.
by Clyde Always
“A skydiving student in California had a close call this week
after she became caught in power lines during a jump.”
—People
My first solo skydive was shockingly tense.
It’s over, yet somehow I’m still in suspense.
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Wisconsin school bans [the song ‘Rainbowland’] from class concert…
Parents in the district say the decision was made because the song encourages LGBTQ acceptance
and references rainbows. . . . Administrators also initially banned the song ‘Rainbow Connection’
from The Muppets but later reversed that decision…”
—NPR
Are rainbows risky? It depends.
We need to view them from both ends.
Some say their colors captivate
And praise them for disarming hate.
But others turn away in dread—
It’s easier just seeing red.
by Alex Steelsmith
“‘[T]he demand for public restrooms far exceeds the supply’…
New York City bought 20 [toilets]… But installing them stalled
as [potential locations must] meet an extensive list of requirements.”
—The New York Times
Willity-nillity,
bowel motility
happens, and people will
do what they do.
Now there’s a question of
practicability:
What are they doing in
lieu of a loo?
Rushity-flushity,
no human hominid
lives who can stall peri-
stalsis. Withal,
government projects can
incontrovertibly
stall when it comes to in-
stalling a stall.
by Bruce Bennett
“Your image of a T. rex with a big, fierce grin with bare teeth may be wrong.”
—The Washington Post
Your T. rex has “a big, fierce grin”?
We’re sorry. You must think again.
Those scientists have dealt in blarney.
The real T. rex looked more like Barney.
by Steve Bremner
(with apologies to Schonberg, Boublil, et Thenardier)
“[Oklahoma state Rep. Dean] Davis was charged with public drunkenness, a misdemeanor.
That afternoon, while on the floor of the House of Representatives at the state Capitol,
Davis insisted he had done nothing wrong…”
—The Washington Post
Plastered in the House?
Sprawling on the floor?
Doesn’t seem too sure
Just what his legs are for?
Rolling in the aisles?
Isn’t too discreet,
(‘Specially when peeing
On the Speaker’s seat)?
Everybody loves our journos,
Thinks they always get it right.
Hasty bunch of geezers,
Jesus! Do they read the stuff they write?
by Julia Griffin
“Dutch researchers make giant meatball using mammoth DNA
Researchers say flesh glob… is not for eating—yet”
—Fox News
A flesh glob using mammoth DNA
Is not for eating—yet. Oh cruel delay!
Minced mammothball! What could be more delicious,
Except perhaps some kangnasaur knishes?
by Dan Campion
“After Mass Shootings, Republicans Expand Access to Guns”
—The New York Times
If only Abe had packed a Colt
And Booth on entering the box
Had tripped or, grunting, played the ox,
And Abe had turned and shot his bolt,
A “good guy with a gun”— Suppose
That Mary too was packing heat
And in her sweeping hoop skirt rose
And plugged that dirty John Wilkes neat—
That all the crowd and cast and crew
Went armed, and aimed and shot at Booth,
And hit him (not the Lincolns too)—
A boffo show, and that’s the truth!
We think that’s what it should’ve been.
Your scene? Then vote Republican.
by Alex Steelsmith
“That panicky call from a relative? It could be a thief using a voice clone…”
—NPR
If you pick up the phone
and you’re asked for a loan
by what sounds like a loved one or crony,
and their panicky tone
seems a bit overblown,
and you feel that they’re full of baloney,
perhaps it’s a clone;
it is very well known
that a voice on a phone can be phony.
by Marshall Begel
“An Oregon minor league baseball team introduced new uniforms on Thursday that pay homage
to a famous Oregon event: The exploding of a giant, dead sperm whale.”
—KPTV
Come cheer for our side as we rise like the tide.
We’re ready to bring on the fight.
Because we’re devoted to things dead and bloated,
Our playing will be dynamite!
Our rivals fall soon to our scoring harpoon.
We’ll triumph—no ifs, ands or buts!
We won’t be denied. We’re exploding with pride,
And we’ll show them that we have the guts!
by Marshall Begel
“Hate your signature? … [People are hiring] a calligrapher for a fresh take
on writing one’s own name in cursive.”
—The Frederick News-Post
Your handshake is awkwardly sweaty and weak.
Your facial expression, dejected and meek.
When speaking with someone, you look at your shoes.
Your breath has an odor I cannot excuse.
Your knees buckle in. There’s a slope in your shoulder.
You dress like a person who’s 30 years older.
Although you’re a slovenly, insecure wreck,
You’ll feel like a man when you’re writing my check!
by Paul Lander
My picks are so bad
I’ll be watching from the couch
Just like my team picks.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“State pension age could rise to 68 sooner than planned…”
—The i
My part of town is poor. It’s not surprising
That life expectancy’s not very high.
If pension age is set to keep on rising,
I’ll have to keep on working once I die.
I’ve always had a hankering to tread
The hallowed boards, so I would be euphoric
If someone from the Globe would boil my head,
And cast me in the graveyard scene as Yorick.
by Dan Campion
“Scientists Propose Mars Settlers Live in Potato-based Structures”
—Futurism.com
Will boffins win a Nobel Prize
For Martian huts of cheesy fries?
Let’s hope so. And, for what it’s worth,
I’d recommend poutine on Earth.
