by Chris O’Carroll
“The far-right US congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
appeared to say she thinks she is being spied on through
her television, possibly by the US government, and that
someone may soon try to kill her. In a tweet on Sunday,
the Republican from Georgia said: ‘Last night in my DC residence,
the television turned on by itself and the screen showed someone’s
laptop trying to connect to the TV.’”
—The Guardian
Now MTG says her TV
Surveils her surreptitiously.
What explanation could there be
Except left-wing conspiracy
Against the life of MTG?
(Obama did it, probably.)
Stay tuned for live-streamed lunacy.
by Julia Griffin
For Mary, with apologies
“Police officers jail their toddler for struggling with potty training”
—The Washington Post
Back to the wall, kid! Drop that plushie now!
Stop! Is that diaper loaded? Can those sobs:
We’ve heard it all before. You’re booked, and how.
Doin’ our jobs, just here to do our jobs.
Cuffs not your size? Put both hands in. Too tight?
You shoulda thoughta that before your goof.
You wanna lawyer? Sure, you’ve got the right,
But trouble is, kid, we got all the proof.
This is one habit you’d be smart to quit.
Cops in the FPD don’t take no shit.
by Laura J. Bobrow
“Dolphins use baby talk when communicating with calves, study finds”
—CBS News
What is she saying, do you suppose?
This is your tummy. Where is your nose?
Don’t be afraid of the humans out there.
You’re certain to see them when you go for air.
You’re my dear little snookums. Oh yes. Yes you are.
Go swim with the calves, but don’t wander too far.
Stay right by my side while I whistle and squawk
and teach you the grammar of bottlenose talk.
by Alex Steelsmith
“A bear broke into a Colorado [resident’s home while he was away] and feasted on pork chops…”
—UPI
Furious
homeowner
notifies
cops:
Curious
burglar is
licking his
chops.
by Eddie Aderne
“Outcry after tourist carves name on wall at the Colosseum in Rome
Italy’s culture minister has called for the man who defaced the site
with ‘Ivan+Hayley 23’ to be identified and prosecuted”
—The Guardian
Ivan + Hayley 23
Has raised an outcry; not from me.
The marks unseen are those I shun:
Lion + Christian = 1.
by Iris Herriot
“Harlan Crow on collision course with Senate over Clarence Thomas gifts”
—The Guardian
“’It would be absurd to me to talk to Justice Thomas about supreme court cases,
because that’s not my world,’ Crow said, adding: ‘We talk about life. We’re two guys
who are the same age and grew up in the same era. We share a love of Motown.’”
—The Guardian
Harlan Crow
And Justice Thomas:
Where Did Your Love Go?
What did you promise?
Senator Wyden
Wants some proof:
Where’s it hidin’?
Up the Ladder to the Roof?
In Bad Weather,
Dems slangin’ On,
Are you together,
Still Hangin’ On?
Stop! In the Name
Of Love, or Law:
You’re Livin’ in Shame!
Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah.
by Bruce Bennett
“That doughy disc with delectable toppings seen in a 2,000-year-old painting
is not a pizza, experts insist.”
—The New York Times
This “proto-pizza” may not be
the kind preferred by you and me,
But one thing it for sure is not
(although it was at one point): hot.
by Clyde Always
“Handbag ‘smaller than a grain of salt’ sells for over $63,000”
—CNN
Tersity-pursity,
Big Apple artisans
crafted a miniscule
Louis Vuitton.
One who is holding this
infinitesimal
bag might articulate:
“Dammit, it’s gone!”
by Julia Griffin
“Square where Julius Caesar was killed will open to public in Rome
Tourists in the city will be able to examine the spot where the Roman dictator
was said to have been murdered … [The area is] also home to a sanctuary for stray cats.”
—The Guardian
Guests, tourists, foreigners: direct your phones
Towards these planks where buried Caesar bled.
This walkway rests upon his hallowed bones
(Or would, had Rome not burned them up instead).
We come, in any case, to praise, not bury:
He was well worth those euros you have paid;
You can, if you’re imaginative (very),
See what a rent the envious Casca made!
And please remember Cassius, that traitor:
And “honourable” Brutus, what a snake—
I’m sorry, no, there is no elevator,
But look, before we take a bathroom break:
Here was a photo opp! You’re surely smitten;
And if you’re bored with Caesar, here’s a kitten.
by Steven Kent
“Cash-strapped Taliban selling tickets to ruins of Buddhas it blew up”
—The Washington Post
Our faith demands destructive sacrifices:
Historic sites the heathens find exquisite,
Which now we pray you’ll pay to come and visit—
Oh infidel, you won’t believe these prices!
by Marshall Begel
“Trump’s court sketches make him look too young and attractive, Twitter users say.
But the artist says he just draws what he sees.”
—Insider
“Draw me like one of your French girls,” she said.
“Sculpt me as someone you’d take to your bed!
“Soften my wrinkles and fill out my hips.
Brighten my silky, insatiable lips!
“Make me the image that gets you excited!”
“I’m only turned on when my subject’s indicted.”
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Amazon’s… streaming service is quadrupling down on Judge Judith Sheindlin.
And she’s bringing her ‘nepo babies’ along . . . As for casting family members in her shows,
[Judge Judy] suggested anyone who didn’t like it could pound sand.”
—The New York Times
“Nepotism!” some may cry.
Judge Judy doesn’t care.
“My verdicts are impartial, but
You really think life’s fair?”
by Nora Jay
“Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk say they’re up for a cage match. Who would win?
Zuckerberg has been competing in Brazilian jiu-jitsu; Musk has size on his side—
and a move called ‘the Walrus'”
—The Guardian
Next to Elon, Mark’s a husk;
Musk, by contrast, is a truck.
Zuck, however, trains till dusk
At jiu-jitsu: he can duck.
Elon does the Walrus; hark:
That’s the move he’s put his seal on.
Mark, though lighter than a lark,
Ripples muscles you could kneel on.
Who would win? It’s hard to choose;
Let’s keep hoping both might lose.
by Pat D’Amico
“US approves chicken made from cultivated cells, the nation’s first ‘lab-grown’ meat”
—AP News
My chicken is grown from cells.
Oh, how my appetite swells.
It’s prepared just the way that I wish—
A savory petri dish.
by Marshall Begel
“This Research Job Will Pay You… to Eat Cheese”
—Food and Wine
Emulsified and made to pour
Or pumped at a convenience store,
I know all sauces, orange and thin,
To dip a chip or pretzel in.
So often have I grilled in pans
Or sprayed it out of nozzled cans,
I guarantee you’ll never meet a
Greater expert on Velveeta.
My trousers all have Cheeto stains.
Cholesterol has filled my veins.
Unless they want some “cultured” snob,
It’s clear I’m perfect for this job.
