by Julia Griffin

“Chinese zoo denies its sun bears are humans dressed in costumes
Hangzhou zoo insists animals are real after video of one standing on hind legs
triggers online speculation…”
—The Guardian

“’Some people think I look too human when I stand up,’ the Hangzhou Zoo’s statement said.”
—The New York Times

I want this video’d, not versified,
The proof I’m bear, not human, ursified.
I stood upon my hind legs. What of that?
Has no one seen a meerkat acrobat?
I like at times to rest my foremost paws,
Or, possibly, to win some slight applause;
And if I waved, I merely meant to say:
“Thank you. I see you. Please, now, go away.”

by Dan Campion

“Trump’s indictment for Jan. 6 turns Mike Pence into a litmus test”
—Politico

Mike’s dipped into a turbid brew.
Hypothesis: He’ll turn deep red,
Or hang, plumb neutral, down, instead—
Anything but come out blue.

by Bruce Bennett

“The new indictment alleges that Trump demanded that security footage at his Mar-a-Lago estate be deleted
after investigators visited… . The indictment says that in late June 2022, [Mar-a-Lago property manager]
De Oliveira… asked [another] employee how many days the server retained surveillance footage
and said ‘the boss’ wanted the server deleted.”
—AP

Lawyer up.
That’s the thing.
Down the cup.
Do not sing.

That’s the way.
Do not stool.
Boss will pay.
That’s the rule.

by Marshall Begel

“People should stare disapprovingly at smokers if they light up in public places,
Hong Kong’s Health Minister has said…”
—The Telegraph

I watched her light up and inhale her first hit.
She flicked at the filter and swallowed some spit.

Then, gazing above, looking devil-may-care,
She blew out a plume in the gray city air.

I raised up my chin so she’d notice my squint,
Convinced she would take such an obvious hint…

Till flustered, I shouted, “You selfish old bag—
At least have the kindness to give me a drag!”

by Eddie Aderne

“Americans’ belief in angels (69%) is about on par with belief in heaven and the power
of prayer, but bested by belief in God or a higher power (79%). Fewer U.S. adults believe
in the devil or Satan (56%), astrology (34%), reincarnation (34%), and that physical things
can have spiritual energies, such as plants, rivers or crystals (42%).”
—AP

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are nowhere near content
On finding that they’re doubted now by 21%,
While Gabriel and Raphael and Michael all condemn
The fact that 31% now lack belief in them.
Stars, rivers, plants, and crystals find the figures less than nifty:
Percentage-wise their backers have decreased to under 50,
But Satan, scorned by 44%, is not concerned.
“A hundred years from now,” he purrs, “I think they’ll all have learned.”

by Stephen Gold

“[British Conservatives] retreat from green policies to woo voters”
—The Times

Our rush to green, no holding back,
Is making voters blue,
And turning all our prospects black.
It’s time to think anew.

Our children may look back and say
We pledged, but then we blinked,
Though what they say won’t count when they
Have all become extinct.

by Bryan Hendrix

“Pence in a panic: Ex-veep begs for ‘even one dollar’
in bid to make GOP debate stage”
—NBC

(With apologies to Harburg and Gorney)

Once I was a VP
That was fun
Kissing butt like a schmuck
Once I was a VP
Now I’m done
MAGA, can you spare a buck?
Thought I should be POTUS
Thought I’d run
But I’m poop out of luck
Thought I’d find some voters
More than one
MAGA, can you spare a buck?
Once, in matching suits
Gee, we looked neat
Sharing that uppity Trumpety fame
Always in cahoots
Until we got beat
And folks with a noose yelled my name
Oh, get over this hate stage
Geez Louise
I mean, hey, what the cluck
Put me on the debate stage
Pretty please
MAGA, can you spare a buck?

by Chris O’Carroll

“‘There’s a 100% chance that Twitter is going to get sued over this by somebody,’ said trademark attorney
Josh Gerben, who said he counted nearly 900 active U.S. trademark registrations that already cover the letter X
in a wide range of industries.”
—Reuters

Musk has Xed the tweeting bluebird.
Twitter now is X’s ex-name.
Watch the feathers fly in court as
Rivals play the trademarked X game.

by Julia Griffin

“’My life is beautiful’: Felix Klieser, who plays the horn with his toes,
on making his Proms debut”
—The Guardian

“To play the horn you must have hands!”
It seemed a final put down,
But Felix (how, none understands)
Just smiled and put his foot down.

With patient skill he flexed each toe
And tamed that brassy helix;
Now all the cognoscenti go
To pack the Proms for Felix.

He lives his life with sheer delight;
His fame is lightly worn,
Though Heaven knows he’s won the right
To tootle his own horn.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Ukraine wants ships to keep exporting its grain despite Russian attacks. …
[This year, Ukraine has] shipped 32.9 million metric tons of grain to the world
and supplied 80% of the World Food Program’s wheat for humanitarian aid…”
—AP

Despite the war, they ship the wheat
and barley many millions eat;
the world is counting on Ukraine,
but Russia goes against the grain.

by Coleman Glenn

“Room-temperature superconductor ‘breakthrough’ met with scepticism:
Creating a material that perfectly conducts electricity at room temperature and pressure
would be a big deal, but a research team’s claims of creating one has attracted more scrutiny than optimism.”
—New Scientist

“So superconductors now needn’t be frosty
Nor crave enough pressure to flatten a car
Nor be too exclusively super high-costy?
What absolute rubbish!” says Lydia Tár.

by Max Gutmann

“Italians … denounce a court verdict clearing a [man] of a sexual assault charge for groping …
because it only lasted ‘around five to 10 seconds.’”
—AP

You can drop the Ciao, bella!
Reach out a bit, fella.
In Italy, grope her; it’s fine
as long as each second
is carefully reckoned.
Just count, and stop touching at 9.

If you do, then the law’s
on your side: there’s no cause
for complaint. This new ruling’s a doozy.
Stop at nine and you’ll thrive.
(If you stay under five,
then you don’t even gotta say “Scusi”!)

by Julia Griffin

“In Phoenix, 18 days of extreme heat with no end in sight”
—The New York Times

The bird nests down in blazing heat
And burns; and then—regenesis!
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

Let’s hope the Greeks were right in this.

by Chris O’Carroll

“While [President] Johnson had The Great Society, Joe Biden has Build Back Better, [Rep.] Greene said,
describing it as: ‘The largest public investment in social infrastructure and environmental programs
that is actually finishing what FDR started that LBJ expanded on.’”
—Independent

“Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) briefly sent Wednesday’s House Oversight hearing into chaos
when she displayed nude photos of President Joe Biden’s son Hunter engaging in sexual activities…”
—Daily Beast

Marjorie Taylor Greene makes sure
The song of the Bidens gets sung:
Joe’s like Johnson and FDR,
And Hunter is totally hung.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A collection of craniums… 2000 mummified rams’ heads [unearthed by archaeological researchers]
may have been an offering to Egypt’s Ramses II…”
—National Geographic

History mystery,
mummified crania
waited millennia,
buried like yams.

Maybe it isn’t an
archaeological
shocker: for Ramses, they
sacrificed rams.

Prominent, dominant
ancient authorities
dictated, “No other
creatures will do.

“Gods are appeased by our
etymologically
accurate offerings;
Ramses is ll.”