by Marshall Begel
“A British IT worker who has been on sick leave since 2008 sued IBM
for not giving him a pay raise during the time he was off work.”
—Insider
From my point of view, my raise is past due,
And not just for grace and goodwill.
For though it is true that there’s nothing I do,
It’s done with exceptional skill!
by Julia Griffin
(with thanks to Rodgers & Hammerstein)
“Firefighting goats could be furloughed due to California employment law
Targeted grazing is part of California’s strategy to reduce wildfire risk because goats can eat
a wide variety of vegetation, including on steep, rocky terrain that’s hard for others to access. …
But new state labor regulations are making it more expensive to provide goat-grazing services,
and herding companies say the rules threaten to put them out of business. … The goat-grazing industry
is pushing the state legislature to approve legislation that would treat goatherds the same as shepherds.
A bill to do so hasn’t yet received a public hearing.”
—The Guardian
High on a hill sits a furloughed goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo:
Such is the will of a legal dotard.
Hey ee who will pay ee is it you?
Goats kept the fire from the crops (bean, oat, urd)
They ee night and day ee cropped the dry grass through;
Now, though, the prices will soar per goatherd:
Vae ee poor CA ee you should sue.
Not OK ee, folks’ll say ee
“Goats away ee, sheep can stay ee”—
So just pray ee for delay ee
Modal yodel internodal
Boo!
by Philip Kitcher
“Record number of lighthouses being offered to the public during 2023 ‘Lighthouse Season'”
—GSA.gov
The overweening might of GPS
has made irrelevant this potent tower.
We offer you a waterfront address
to help the world appreciate your power.
Nighttime will bring distractions to amuse
your visitors, when you fire up the tip,
flash herky-jerky signals to confuse
the maidens on some passing pleasure-ship.
Here you will satisfy your deep desires
in showing off your fully-moated palace,
(at least, till vulgar jealousy inquires
what it is like to live inside a phallus.)
by Alex Steelsmith
“In the future, fine-tuning nature’s quantum properties could enable researchers to develop
therapeutic devices that are noninvasive, remotely controlled and accessible with a mobile phone.
Electromagnetic treatments could potentially be used to prevent and treat disease, such as
brain tumors…”
—The Conversation
Happily, hopefully,
quantum biology
might give your cell phone new
whistles and bells,
changing the future of
cytotechnology;
cell phones are perfect for
managing cells.
by Steven Kent
“Tucker Carlson is out at Fox News but welcome on Russian TV
The ousted anchor was offered work by state-run news channels in Moscow
that echo much of his conspiratorial rhetoric on the war in Ukraine.”
—NBC News
The bosses told me, “Hire Tucker C;
Those liberals in the West all want to flay him.”
Before, he gladly pled our cause for free,
But darn it, now we’re gonna have to pay him!
by Alex Steelsmith
“Scientists can now obtain electricity from a living plant.”
—National Geographic
Happily,
scientists
show we might
get
perfectly
natural
power plants
yet.
*Welcome to Light‘s first-ever single dactyl! (We’re pretty sure it’s the world’s first, too.)
For Alex Steelsmith’s guide to this spin on the tried-and-true double dactyl, click here.
by Julia Griffin
For Tam
“A life-sized bust of the King has been made from more than 17 litres (3.7 gallons) of melted chocolate
ahead of his coronation. … Miniature bars of Snickers, Mars, Twix, Milky Way, Galaxy and Bounty were among
those used to decorate the model. … The bust is set to go on display at the firm’s headquarters in Slough.”
—BBC News
In fond anticipation of the Day,
The nation’s rapt, declaring Chocs Away!
Let’s hear it for this Slough of sweet Delight,
Inspiring patriotic appetite!
This is no time for sneery Snickering:
No longer on the shelf, HM the King
Shows, through this tastefullest of avatars,
An air of Bounty, and an eye like Mars.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Every fraud claim I was asked to investigate was false.”
—Ken Block, founder of Simpatico Software Systems,
a company to which the Trump campaign paid $750,000
in a bid to substantiate its election fraud fabrications
It wasn’t rigged, he wasn’t robbed,
Those claims all proved untrue.
He didn’t want to know he was
A loser, but he knew.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“The local authority has introduced… £100 fines for anyone using a metal detector [on Cleethorphes Beach in England]. …
[The general secretary of the National Council for Metal Detecting]… believes the objection is that detectorists dig holes,
which he said were usually only a few inches deep and should be filled afterwards. ‘I said to them ‘What about sandcastles,
kids burying their dad in the sand—have you banned that as well?’ And they said ‘No no no, that’s fine’. … Where’s the logic?'”
—The Guardian
When Cleethorpes’ tide was low, detectorists
Hung out and looked for treasure in the sand,
Extracting coins for archaeologists’
Researches. But their digging is now banned.
Enthusiasts are puzzled by this move,
Since little holes are classified as bad,
Though bureaucrats are happy to approve
Holes big enough to bury all your dad—
Except his nose. How can a lesser pit
Leave greater damage? Where’s the logic for
Officialdom that’s willing to permit
Great trenches but bans peepholes on the shore? …
Is metal buried somewhere not too deep
Concealing secrets someone needs to keep?
by Bruce Bennett
“Don’t worry, folks. It’s just a prop.
In minutes we can make this stop.
But meantime, we want you to feel
the thrill of how what’s fake is real.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“[A]lcohol may negatively affect hormone levels including testosterone…
Excess alcohol intake …will lower your testosterone levels.”
—Verywellfit
“’[T]otal testosterone’ [often called ‘total T’] is the grand total of all the hormone
available in the bloodstream.”
—Gainswave.com
Higgledy-swiggledy
guzzling intoxicants
hobbles libido, the
experts agree.
Thus they might summarize,
epigrammatically:
Being teetotal can
boost total T.
by Ruth S. Baker
“[Curds of Nepali yaks’ milk] are strained in cloth bags and pressed under weights to remove
as much whey as possible before being sent to the village below to be made into churpi (or chhurpi),
a dried snack … Selling churpi as a dog chew created a profitable new market that has also solved
the problem of excess milk going to waste as demand fluctuates.”
—The Guardian
For dogs who are bitey or slurpy,
Behold, a delicious new chew!
We’re calling it churpi (or chhurpi):
That goes for the retailers too.