by Alex Steelsmith
“Oldest known sentence written in first alphabet discovered—on a head-lice comb…
[It] reads: ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’”
—The Guardian
Its readers had lice;
we imagine them frowsy.
The form would suffice,
but the content was lousy.
by Steven Kent
“‘A huge opportunity’: California Republicans eye school board elections”
—The Guardian
We’ll tell the children what to think, what not to think, and so on,
Rewriting all the history books with our own facts to go on.
No Commie talk of climate change, you leftie doom-and-gloomers.
God bless our little patriots! How dare you call us groomers?
by Jane Blanchard
“Tyson CFO arrested after allegedly falling asleep in wrong home”
—CBS News
Instead of coming home to roost,
This chicken found another nest.
It had gone out and gotten juiced,
Then lost when coming home to roost.
How could a chicken so unloosed
Be one of Tyson’s very best?
Will others coming home to roost
Force it to find another nest?
by Alex Steelsmith
“Kentucky officials on Friday warned motorists to avoid a portion of U.S. Highway 62 where chicken offal
spilled along the roadway. … ‘To avoid the smell and getting chicken waste on your vehicle, you should avoid this area’…”
—AP
Quickeny sickeny,
sun on the thoroughfare
foments the rise of the
nasal offense;
thermally catalyzed
microorganically,
waste decomposes, which
only makes scents.
by Nora Jay
“Texas homeowner says ‘hooker’ ghosts have taken over rental property: ‘They’re trying to stir up business’
Linda Hill said there are four different types of ghosts in the home … ‘We’ve got kids, and we’ve got old people,
old guys, and we’ve got hookers,’ she told host Jesse Watters.”
—Fox News
What sort of spook do you prefer?
We’ve some for him and some for her:
We’ve kids (diversified in size),
Old people (different from old guys)
And best of all, for early bookers,
We have our special: spectral hookers.
It’s quite the choicest sort of hex:
The gift of insubstantial sex;
No playmate ever was so fresh
As one uncircumscribed by flesh,
And connoisseurs confirm as one:
With pretty ghouls you have more fun.
by Dan Campion
“Can’t Sleep? Try Sticking Your Head in the Freezer”
—The New York Times
I need to sleep, but at the price
Of swaddling my head in ice
And cozied up to frozen pie?
That’s one hot tip I will not try.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Maine is cleaning up its roadways by removing the flippin’ vulgarities from license plates…
[A] bunch of descendants of Puritans in a New England state ended up putting some of the raunchiest
messages on state-issued license plates. … [E]stimatees suggested 400 offensive plates could be subject to recall…”
—AP
Flippity quippity,
vanity license plates
shock us in Maine as in
few other states;
raunchy, unruly, and
unpuritanical
Mainiacs take too much
license with plates.
Doubledy troubledy,
banning vulgarities,
though they leave civilized
people appalled,
might only add to their
memorability,
now that they’re subject to
being recalled.
by Julia Griffin
For Sophie
“A Piet Mondrian painting has been hanging upside-down for decades, art historian says”
—CNN
Poor Mondrian! This really is the end.
All these long years Fate’s chosen to abuse
Viewers, who rarely question as they ought:
Those tracks—white, yellow, blue, black, red—have caught
The experts napping. What does this portend?
We understand, perhaps, though can’t excuse
Hope that some others will be blamed. But who?
The shamed curators, caught now on the hop,
Hung upside down in universal sight (!)
That grid—red, black, blue, yellow, over white—
It may be hard to credit, but it’s true:
We’re prone to miss which line goes at the top.
by Clyde Always
“Dungeons & Dragons is Apparently Banned in Federal Prisons”
—Reason
A shakedown? That’s a lousy break.
What exactly did they take?
A pack of gum? A girlie-mag?
A shiv? A blade? A plastic bag?
Some powder or a sack of weed?
Pruno, was it? Bump of speed?
Syringes, maybe? Smack or ice?
Worse! My twenty-sided dice…
by Bruce Bennett
Did you hear what LawnStarter did?
It ranked the Best States “Off the Grid.”
The “cost of farmland,” “energy”—
Just check it out and you will see.
All States have numbers, best to worst,
from the most blessed to the most cursed.
So feast your eyes and feed your dream!
All things can be the way they seem
In visions of escape and joy
that Modern Horrors can’t destroy.
Indulge and fantasize and get
the thrill of being there and set
Forever in an Eden new
and glorious and just for you!
Me? I’ll stay put. I’ll ask you, “Is it
a Paradise?” and, if so, visit.
by Steven Kent
“Republican Senator Tom Cotton brags about ignoring Trump impeachment evidence“
—The Guardian
I have the keenest interest here
In truth and justice, I’ll be clear,
But not one fact that I might find
Could ever change my made-up mind.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Staffordshire dog Cheddar rescued from rabbit hole”
—BBC News
Hounds follow rabbits anywhere they roam
Although, inside a rabbit hole, the earth
Retards pursuit. So did a burrowed home
Ensnare a dog called Cheddar—did his girth
Block passage in and out? Or did this hound
Repose at will, quite still but not stuck fast,
Avoiding fire crews digging in the ground
In vain, for six whole hours, until at last
No hope remained that they would tunnel through?
Extraction having been ruled out, the crews
Departed, thinking Cheddar must have too …
Don’t underrate a hare-brained dog you lose
Outside your home. He needs a night away.
Give him a break. He’ll reappear next day!
by Julia Griffin
“An Iranian hermit nicknamed the ‘world’s dirtiest man’ for not taking a shower for more than half a century
has died at the healthy old age of 94, state media has reported. … In 2014, the Tehran Times reported that Haji
would eat roadkill, smoke a pipe filled with animal excrement, and believed that cleanliness would make him ill.
Photos showed him smoking multiple cigarettes at once.”
—The Guardian
Come, let’s mourn the Dirty Hermit!
We shall see his like no more:
Sad Iranians confirm it:
He has died at 94.
Clean-fanatics loudly holler
Hygiene shibboleths galore:
Dirty Haji in his squalor
Lived and throve to 94,
Eating roadkill, smoking feces—
All the cigs his mouth could store;
PhDs, revise your theses!
Still he puffed at 94.
Praise him now, the great correctant
Of those myths held truths before;
Throw away your disinfectant:
You may live till 94.
by Bruce Bennett
… ‘It would be good not to demonize the snake too much,’
[a snake conservationist] suggested….”
—The Washington Post
You take their habitat. What can they do?
Their way of getting back is eating you.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Body of a man found in a [dumpster] at Doncaster Royal Infirmary”
—Daily Mail
Old Fred requested in his will
To have an eco-funeral.
The hospital, they did it right—
He’s going to a landfill site,
Where his remains will decompose
And make a meal for gulls and crows,
Whose guano will manure the fields
And serve to boost the farmers’ yields.
Your sandwich might be made of grains
Which fed themselves on Fred’s remains,
So say a prayer and bow your head:
“Give us this day our daily Fred.”