by Philip Kitcher

When Vlad was just a little lad,
he won each dirty fight.
He’d pinch your lunch and sucker punch,
and gouge, and squeeze, and bite.

The toys of all the smaller boys
could never be secured.
Long catalogs by underdogs
record what they endured.

One day a new boy came to play—
he didn’t even cheat!
There was no need—Vlad must concede
complete abject defeat.

Sad and ashamed, bad Vlad exclaimed:
“Your victory’s a fluke.
In time I shall avenge your crime—
someday I’ll own a nuke.”

by Steven Kent

“Columbia whistleblower on exposing college rankings: ‘They are worthless'”
—The Guardian

As Kyle’s and Kaitlyn’s parents weigh their choices
(An Ivy? Stay in-state? Go to the coast?)
They listen closely here to certain voices
Who tell them what they want to hear the most.

But now it seems a lot of what they’re gleaning
Is nonsense, pretty much; I mean, who knew?
Administrators lying, boasting, preening:
Hey kids, we’re Number One at Big FU!

by Julia Griffin

“Please don’t cook chicken in NyQuil, the FDA asks TikTok users”
—NPR

However, those chefs I especially like will
De-quill only chickens made tranquil with NyQuil.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Smoke billows into the sky after massive fire breaks out in Oldham”
—Metro

I’m saving up for when I settle down;
I fancy Oldham after I retire.
It must be quite an uneventful town
If headline news is “Smoke is caused by fire.”

I’d have to take a modicum of care,
And not go out without my beanie on.
A man in middle age with greying hair—
Reporters would be camping on the lawn.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Recent chemical analysis suggests that some [ceramic vessels] were used
as explosive grenades during the Crusades.”
—National Geographic

Diligent, vigilant
chemical analysts
sometimes surprise us with
groundbreaking finds.

Holy war hand grenades?
Archaeological
bombshell reporting is
blowing our minds.

by Alex Steelsmith

September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Parroty parody,
Talk Like a Pirate Day
gives you occasion to
boldly revise

any appropriate
phraseological
turn of expression that
catches your ayes.

Wonderful, plunderful
freebooter verbiage
isn’t just any old
gobbledygook;

people who mimic it
stereotypically
steal our attention by
hook or by crook.

Swaggering, staggering
pirate impressionists
sound like they suffer from
chronic catarrh;

though you’re no pirate, a
nasopharyngeal
growl will convince us, at
least, that you arrh!

by James Higgins

Says Charles to his Camilla,
referring to his pen,
“Oh god I hate this bloody thing.
Look! Here it goes again.”
Camilla’s answer to her Charles?
“It’s going everywhere.
What you require’s a Sharpie, Sire.
I bet Trump kept a spare.”

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Covid-19: Irish government pays ‘basic income’ to artists”
—BBC News

Some editors would see the lure
Of granting me a sinecure
To not be so prolific with my pen.

In fact, for an annuity
They’d want in perpetuity
My pledge to never pester them again.

by Philip Kitcher

“Coffey urges staff to be positive, be precise, and not use Oxford commas.”
—The Guardian

I must offer firm advice:
you should learn to be precise—
good writing’s my priority, you know—
the Oxford comma simply has to go.

My commitment to this post
centers on what matters most:
your style, your syntax, and your sentence flow—
the Oxford comma simply has to go.

Britain’s future may well hang
on your abstinence from slang,
on virtues perfect grammar would bestow—
the Oxford comma simply has to go.

by Iris Herriot

“Michigan man plans to ship invasive lamprey to England for king’s coronation”
—Detroit Free Press

King Henry I is traditionally said to have “died from eating a surfeit of lampreys.”
—eels.historiacartarum.org

Don’t sham-praise
The Lampreys,
Most toothy of species;
Top clan prays
For Lampreys:
No fakes or pastiches.

Yank champ, raise
Some Lampreys—
They’re not like taxation:
Let Sam praise
With Lampreys
The King’s coronation!

by Clyde Always

“U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers… in downtown El Paso
seized more than 100 pounds of undeclared cheese Sept. 6.”
—cbp.gov

Cheesious, Seizious,
CBP Officers
implement bans that are
clearly absurd.

If you encounter these
disciplinarians,
penalties may or may
not be in curd.

by Steven Kent

“The super-rich ‘preppers’ planning to save themselves from the apocalypse”
—The Guardian

Now lord I am of all that I survey!
These barren postwar lands are still aglow.
My bunker kept me safe that fateful day;
I’ll rule the—wait, where’d all the people go?

by Paul Lander

Folks who don’t see color
Sure do make exceptions for:
Elves, hobbits, mermaids.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“UK must insulate homes or face a worse energy crisis in 2023, say experts”
—The Guardian

The folk upstairs, they make a din,
My anger is Vesuvian:
I blow my top, I curse and swear,
My blood like lava heats the air.

The insulation here is dire,
So when their noise provokes my ire
They’ve got themselves, at zero cost,
A self-igniting hypocaust.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Prospect of queue to join queue as Queen mourners told capacity reached…”
—The Guardian

I planned to join the queue to view
And bid a due adieu;
Instead, in lieu, I’ve joined the queue
To queue to join the queue.

I’m feeling blue: I thought I knew
The length that queues accrue;
Still, jusqu’au bout I’ll see it through
And queue to view the Q.