Poems of the Week

Poetic Justice

by Alex Steelsmith

“Ukrainian officials say [several hundred Chechen soldiers] fight alongside the country’s military…
AP

“The model for Putin’s hyper-brutal Ukraine invasion… [is] the style of warfare [Russia] used in Chechnya.”
Asia Times

Ruthlessly, truthlessly,
Vladimir’s strategy
triumphed; the Chechens were
crushed and perplexed.

Soon the unmerciful
Machiavellian
glared at Ukraine and said,
“You’ll be annext.”

Readily, steadily,
Chechen expatriates
now give Ukrainian
efforts a boost,

pledging their services
militaristically;
Vladimir’s Chechens have
come home to roost.

Hair Piece

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“What’s so wrong with having long hair when you’re over 50?”
The Telegraph

My hair is long; I’m fifty-four—
The type of thing that some deplore.
I hope it reaches to the floor
Before I go with Charon.

Well, what’s the point in growing old
If not to not do what you’re told?
So my reply to those who scold
Is—Keep your bloody hair on.

Even Aliens Know That Touchscreens Suck

by Kaitlyn Spees

“[Astrophysicist] Avi Loeb… is planning an expedition to retrieve fragments of the meteor from the ocean floor. …
[He] is hoping to determine the object’s origins—even going so far as to make the extraordinary suggestion
that it could be a technological object created by aliens. …
[Loeb said:] ‘If you ask what my wish is, if it’s indeed of artificial origin, and there was some component of the object
that survived, and if it has any buttons on it, I would love to press them.’ …

‘This is what I would generously call a dubious plan,’ said Ethan Siegel, an astrophysicist and science communicator
who has vocally criticized Loeb’s past claims about aliens.”
NPR

Meteor, shmeateor
Loeb the astronomer’s
diving for alien
tech in the depths.

Even if nothing there’s
extraterrestrial,
buttons from Earth have been
thoroughly pressed.

Split the Difference

by Julia Griffin

“An Italian artist who attached a banana to a wall with duct tape and titled it Comedian
reportedly selling several versions for more than $100,000—is facing legal action over whether he
copied another artist’s work.

Maurizio Cattelan is accused of copyright infringement by Joe Morford, from Glendale, California,
who says Comedian is just like his own duct-taped fruit,
Banana & Orange, which he made two
decades earlier. …

[Cattelan] has reportedly argued that, unlike his own banana, the fruit in Banana & Orange is synthetic,
so Morford ‘cannot own the idea of a real banana duct-taped to a wall’.

But US district judge Robert N Scola Jr has ruled that Morford can proceed with his case …”
The Guardian

An artist from Italy
Working in fruit
Was lately and bitterly
Served with a suit.

Joe Morford threw fits: “He
Has robbed me!” he cried;
A charge which Maurizi-
O strongly denied:

“Giò claims my idea.
And also my cash.
Macchè! Mamma mia!
Che brutto! How brash!

“The Muses, like manna,
Will fall where they fall,
As with this banana
I’ve taped to the wall.

“His charge is fantastic.
Too weak to refute:
His fruit’s made of plastic,
My fruit’s made of fruit.”

This answer was clobbered
(It’s often the way)
However, by Robert
N. Scola DJ,

Who found Joe’s banana
Distinctly infringed.
Now Joe cries “Hosanna!”
Maurizio’s singed.

Tonight he is feeling
A nasty hot wind;
He thinks of appealing,
But fears he’ll be skinned,

While Morford, in clover,
Drains victory’s cup:
“He planned a walkover;
That’s where he slipped up.”

Haiku

by Nicole Caruso Garcia

back-to-school shopping
mom in the next fitting room
explains camel-toe

Am I Middle-Aged?

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Midlife health test: the 9 ways to check your brain and fitness”
The Times

You know that you’re approaching middle age
When articles like this jump out at you,
And rather than just laugh and turn the page
You see how many pushups you can do.

How to Handle a Scandal

by Clyde Always

“Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin delivered an emotional speech… touting her job
performance and defending her right to have a private life after leaked videos showed
the leader dancing and partying wildly.”
New York Post

Dauntlessly, Flauntlessly,
Marin, Prime Minister,
faced her detractors and
never lost heart.

Want to eradicate
phallocentricity?
Take a good look at the
Finnish, to start…

Humor Me

by Steven Kent

“Republican says comment Garland should be executed was ‘facetious'”
The Guardian

Geez, everybody now is way too woke.
I simply said “Hey, let’s assassinate
The AG for his crimes against the State.”
It’s like you people just can’t take a joke!

And yes, because I’m sure you’ve heard the rumor,
I really claimed that Hitler is “the kind
Of leader we sure need today.” I find
(Again!) that no one gets my sense of humor.

The Resurrection of Boris the Brazen

by Philip Kitcher

“Conservative leadership race is making some Tories miss Boris Johnson”
The Washington Post

“A pox on the vultures who squawked at my doom!
They’re foiled of their prey as I rise from the tomb.
The people declare they don’t want to change course.
I’m back from the dead—thanks to buyers’ remorse.

The nation’s discovered an absence of fizz
in Rishi and Tom, Kemi, Penny, and Liz.
I’ll turn on the charm—there’s no need to use force—
my future’s assured—thanks to buyers’ remorse.

The party is learning what voters all know:
the corpse is laid out with its entrails on show.
When members come begging, I’ll laugh myself hoarse,
regaining my throne—thanks to buyers’ remorse.”

A Porcine of Luck

by Alex Steelsmith

“One pig captured, three remain on the loose”
UPI

“One wolf still missing after ‘suspicious’ escape”
UPI

Piggily wiggily
porcine adventurers
ought to return to their
usual digs.

Wolf on the loose! It is
un-serendipitous.
someone should caution the
three little pigs.

The Call at Third Base

by Barbara Lydecker Crane

“As [Pirates infielder] Rodolfo Castro slid into third base,
his phone shot out of his pocket. He has appealed his
suspension for violating M.L.B.’s electronic device policy.”
The New York Times

I try to be a patient son
each time Ma rings me on the phone.
This time I said, “I gotta run!
I’ll call you back when I get home.”

Pate of Chips

by Stephen Gold

“Lawyers with brain chip implants will be better, faster and cheaper”
The Times

When matters judicial arise,
It may come as a nasty surprise
To discover one’s brain
Is a source of disdain,
And is far from its optimum size.

For a lawyer who isn’t bionic
Will be cruelly dismissed as moronic.
We shall live in an age
Where one cannot be sage
If one’s noggin is not electronic.

With this chip, I shall reason with ease,
And concoct irresistible pleas.
Though it won’t stop my clients
Exuding defiance
When computing the size of my fees!

Must Try Harder in New School Year

by Steve Bremner

“CDC, under fire, lays out plan to become more nimble and accountable.
‘In our big moment, our performance did not reliably meet expectations,’
[Director Rochelle] Walensky acknowledges.”
The Washington Post

Daringly caringly
Madam Director vows
Action, agility,
Timeliness too,

Closing the stable door
Hyperaccountably.
Shame that the horse is now
Dog food and glue.

Don’t Rush Him

by Alex Steelsmith

“Salman Rushdie ‘on the road to recovery’…”
AP

We welcome the news about
Rushdie’s recovery;
feeling relieved, we
collectively sigh.

He was rushed by the suspect
and rushed to the doctor,
but Rushdie’s alive, and in
no rush to die.