by Julia Griffin

“People are accusing Kim Kardashian of damaging Marilyn Monroe’s gown
after wearing it to the Met Gala”
—NBC News

by Clyde Always

“25 employees suffer burns after hot coal team-building event in Switzerland”
—New York Post

To break the ice, sometimes the Swiss
walk barefoot over steaming coals.
The argument for doing this,
presumably, is full of holes.

by Chris O’Carroll

“We will… hear testimony that President Trump rejected the advice
of his campaign experts on election night and instead followed the course
recommended by an apparently inebriated Rudy Giuliani
to just claim he won…”
—Congresswoman Liz Cheney (R-Wyo)

His sober team brings news he hates to hear.
He can’t admit he lost. He’d rather die.
Defeated, weak, and prey to primal fear,
He needs to party with the other guy,
So Reeling Rudy plies him with good cheer,
Uncorking bottles of Chateau Big Lie.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Geidt resignation letter reveals frustrations of working with [Boris] Johnson”
—The Guardian

I‘m disappointed your account was not
Made fuller, and affronted that you would
Deliberately breach the Code. And what
Is more, that “miscommunication” should
Suggest I somehow was to blame that you
Avoided learning my concerns in full,
Prime Minister, is something that I rue …
Permit me to translate: You’re full of bull,
Old bean, I’m at my tether’s end. You’re just
Impossible. You’re so mendacious, sly,
Nefarious, corrupt and void of trust
That I was dumb to be your ethics guy.
Exasperated, I resign—and can
Delight that I’m a dis-appointed man!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Health and productivity—the four-day week debate”
—Scotland on Sunday

That isn’t why I’m getting in a stew:
The thought of doing five days’ work in four.
It’s really only two days’ work I do.
I stretch it out to five by moving slower.

My extra day will leave me feeling lower.
I should be out and knocking back a brew,
Instead of gearing up to meet the chore
Of squeezing three days’ shirking into two.

by Steve Bremner

“Man Sold Marijuana Edibles To Children Across Montgomery Co…
‘This defendant was targeting children as young as 11 years old to sell his drugs to,
embedding drugs in cereals and snack products that appeal to children. … [His] business supplying
drugs to children and encouraging children to be drug dealers is an egregious case.”
—Philadelphia news item

What, “edibles” in middle school?
And dealers too? Oh brother,
These kids are barely off one pot
Before they’re on another.

by Jerome Betts

“Factory farming is turning this beautiful British river into an open sewer”
—Opinion piece in The Guardian

Can this be Wordsworth’s “sylvan Wye,”
The one that wandered through the woods?
With chicken-prisons too close by
Gone, gone, that line of poetry goods.

R. Gibbings, one of smaller fry
Who loved canoe trips’ starts and stoppings,
How sad your Coming Down The Wye
Would now describe a stream of droppings.

by Steven Kent

“Britney Spears’ ex-husband crashes her wedding”
—CNN

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love, though I be poor while thou art rich.
My soul and thine, united three short days,
Yet ever in mine heart It’s Britney, bitch!

by Dan Campion

“Semicircular canal size constrains vestibular function in miniaturized frogs”
—Science

To jump with grace, a frog or toad
Requires a generous inner ear,
The lack of which will discommode
The creature when it needs to steer.

But evolution didn’t care
And crafted frogs and toads so small
Their leaps and landings make one stare.
Yet they survive while kingdoms fall.

by Nora Jay

“An American tourist has caused €25,000 (£21,000) worth of damage after hurling her electric scooter
down Rome’s Spanish Steps. … The incident came two weeks after a visitor from Saudi Arabia
drove a Maserati down the flight of steps.”
—The Guardian

I threw my scooter down the Steps;
He drove his Maserati;
They make you mad, these endless schleps
Each time you want gelati!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Trained rats to help rescue earthquake survivors”
—Daily News

If caught in an earthquake or other disaster
And trapped under roof beams and rubble and plaster,
My hopes of a rescue might rest with a rat—
I don’t know how happy I’d be about that.

A rat can be trained in a very few days
To creep through debris like it’s threading a maze,
And go where dogs can’t, which is all fine and dandy—
But how would it carry a barrel of brandy?

by Julia Griffin

“Chickens were first tempted down from trees by rice, research suggests”
—The Guardian

They might have had millet,
Or barley, or peas;
They stuck to their billet:
The trees.

When hearing of farro
Or buckwheat, or corn,
Their eyes went quite narrow
With scorn.

They vowed to adhere to
Arboreal fare;
Their tempters were near to
Despair,

Till one, worth renown, in-
Troduced them to RICE:
And then they flew down in
A trice,

Suggesting this motto
Or rule for your thumb:
Make chicken risotto!
They’ll come.

by Alex Steelsmith

“… [Pope] Francis will have stacked the College of Cardinals with 83 of the 132 voting-age cardinals.
… [T]he chances that they will tap a successor who shares Francis’ pastoral priorities become ever greater.”
—NBC News

Piously biasly,
Jorge Bergoglio
gets 83 of his
cardinals in;

stacking the deck with a
supermajority
isn’t, however, a
cardinal sin.

by Iris Herriot

“Family Tortoise Found Alive In Attic 30 Years After Going Missing…”
—LAD Bible

“‘Fantastic giant tortoise’ species thought extinct for 100 years found alive”
—The Guardian

Henceforward, I suggest that tortoises
Should be secured by locks and mortises.
Without some sort of a surveillance system,
We can’t be sure if they’re missing or if we’ve simply missed ’em.
Keeping tortoises jailed isn’t nice, I agree, I’m not generally OK’ing it;
But how can we know if a species is lost as long as our own species keeps on mislaying it?

by Chris O’Carroll

“A Missouri woman was awarded $5.2 million in a settlement
from insurance company GEICO after contracting a sexually transmitted
disease from her partner in his vehicle, which was insured by the company…”
—CNN

In his back seat despoiled,
I picked up an infection.
He knew his diagnosis,
Kept mum, used no protection.

The car in which he wronged me
Was covered by the gecko;
O lizard, hear my cries
For justice, how they echo.

You wrote his policy,
You’re in up to your neck-o.
The legal system says
You’re writing me a check-o.