by Clyde Always
“[A] 14-foot skeleton was shamelessly hijacked in broad daylight
from a front yard in a neighborhood in Austin, Texas.”
—Fox News
Sneakily, creakily,
Halloween hijacker
snatches a skeleton
14 feet tall;
someone so brazenly
kleptomaniacal
must have the busiest
closet of all.
by Steven Kent
“Iceberg lettuce in blond wig outlasts Liz Truss”
—The Guardian
The lettuce lives, while Liz as PM’s dead—
Won by a nose, but soon lost by a head.
by Steve Bremner
With apologies to T.S. Eliot
(also to A. Lloyd Webber and R. Kipling)
“Larry the Cat outlasts fourth U.K. prime minister…
The 15-year-old tabby dutifully serves as Chief Mouser of No. 10 Downing Street…”
—NPR
There’s a whisper through that door, though it’s just day 44,
That the PM is ready to split.
Ah, but “Larry where is Larry, is he off with Meg and Harry?
We must find him or the boss can’t quit.”
Videographers, reporters, and our newsrooms’ sons and daughters
Are searching high and low
Crying, “Larry stop your messing, this event requires your blessing—
A PM can’t just go!”
At 11:42 the announcement’s nearly due
When Larry’s spotted circling someone’s shin,
And the people cheer and sing ‘God Save the Queen … uh … King,’
As a friendly cop comes out to take him in.
And Larry flails his twirly tail
And daintily wipes his mouth,
To signal us off to the southernmost part
Of “another one goes south.”
Then he gives a twitch of his whiskered nose
To say: “’Til next time we meet!
I’ll see you again when the next one goes—
I’m The Cat of Downing Street.”
by Julia Griffin
“Couple encounter famous LA mountain lion P-22: ‘True natural beauty'”
—The Guardian
O feline so fine!
So lauded of late:
Your smile so B-9,
Despite all U-8:
No beauty so true
Will ever be seen
If P-22
Meets AR-15.
by Stephen Gold
“Sarcasm banned as China cracks down on its surly civil servants”
—The Telegraph
It seems that Chinese bureaucrats from Beijing to Shanghai
Were insolent, aggressive and (I cannot fathom why)
Averse to the philosophy of service with a smile,
And laughable suggestions they should go the extra mile.
But now that their hostility and failure to perform
Have been attacked, they’re rowing back from rudeness as the norm.
Observe the verve with which they serve, their faces bright and eager,
Dispensing tea and bonhomie (unless you are a Uighur).
by Alex Steelsmith
“Leader of Belarus gifts Putin a tractor for 70th birthday…
Tractors have been the pride of Belarusian industry since Soviet times.”
—AP
Factory tractory,
Putin’s new vehicle
quite unexpectedly
lends him some charm;
though his endeavors are
non-agricultural,
one can now picture him
buying the farm.
by Steven Kent
“Woman who said Herschel Walker paid for abortion also has child with him…”
—The Guardian
Such slander—I shall not repeat
These lies that dog me every day!
What’s that? She kept the damn receipt?
Well, this is awkward, as they say.
by Philip Kitcher
“King Charles greets Liz Truss with: ‘Back again? Dear, oh dear.’”
—The Guardian
“No. 10 dismisses rumours of Liz Truss U-turn on tax cuts.”
—The Guardian
The monarch muttered, “Dear, oh dear,”
the second time we met.
His whole demeanor made it clear
I’m not his PM yet.
It seems that every Tory peer
will have a hissy fit.
I must amend my plans, I fear,
and do the opposite.
But hark! A voice from yesteryear,
when Tory virtue shone,
sings songs of triumph in my ear,
to buck me up, and bring me cheer—
it’s Maggie! “Carry on!”
by Dan Campion
“Lab-grown brain cells play video game Pong”
—BBC News
A dish of brain cells playing Pong?
I can’t help thinking something’s wrong.
I’d let those neurons thrill to Bach,
Or Jake and Elwood’s “Jailhouse Rock.”
Who’d you respond to, bathed in broth,
Virginia Woolf, or Philip Roth?
There’s no disputing taste, I guess—
But still, why not a game of chess?
by Alex Steelsmith
“Two Russians flee to Alaska by small boat and ask for asylum…
more than 60 miles from mainland Russia…”
—NBC
Riskily Russkily,
Two Russian nationals
jump in a dinghy with
no time to wait;
wanting no part in the
Russo-Ukrainian
war, they aim eastward and
keep Bering Strait.
by Chris O’Carroll
“President Biden on Thursday pardoned all individuals convicted on federal charges
of simple marijuana possession, a move that the White House estimated would affect
more than 6,500 people nationwide.”
—Los Angeles Times
Joe Biden’s not the kind of guy
With whom one thinks of getting high.
He’s not a member of the tribe
Who radiate that Woodstock vibe.
He hardly ever rolls a joint
While mulling judges to appoint,
And in the Situation Room,
Will seldom nibble on a ’shroom.
Yet justice gives this cat a buzz,
As we can now discern, because
He pardons at a single stroke
Six thousand busted for a toke.
He didn’t have to hit the bong
To understand the law’s been wrong.
So hip-hooray for unhip Joe
Who knows what freedom needs to know.
by Philip Kitcher
“Yankees star Aaron Judge surpasses Roger Maris with 62nd homer,
logging greatest MLB power season since steroid era”
—Yahoo!sports
For decades, fans lament: “Tsk! Tsk!
That record is a fudge.”
Now he’s expunged one asterisk.
Kudos to Aaron Judge.
by Mia Henry
“Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen Have Reportedly Hired Divorce Lawyers. …
The [New York] Post has been tracking perceived discord in the marriage
in recent months, with many speculating that Ms. Bündchen and Mr. Brady
had fought over his decision to unretire from his football career…”
—The New York Times
(To the tune of “Hang Down Your Head, Tom Dooley”)
Hang down your head, Tom Brady
Better get lawyered up
Hang down your head, Tom Brady
You are one sorry pup
You should have cleaned out your locker
Just like you said you would
You don’t need a supermodel
To tell that your plan’s no good
You might make a good announcer
FOX thinks that you’ll do fine
But you crave thousands cheering
And love your offensive line
So order yourself a smoothie
Your chef knows the recipe
Too bad it doesn’t call for
A shot of humility
by Dan Campion
“Fresh Exciting Images Reveal 10,000-Kilometre-Long Destruction Trail
Left Behind from NASA’s DART Mission”
—The Weather Channel
Thanks, NASA, for that blazing trail
Left by your project DART,
A comet tail, at global scale,
Of avant-gardist art.
by Julia Griffin
For Tam
“‘Singing’ goat causes giggling fits at Worcester Cathedral service”
—BBC News
Oh praise ye the Lord!
The cocks, how they crew!
The lions all roared;
The lambs did so too.
All things that give sound
Joined in with a will:
Giraffes stamped the ground;
The larks trilled their fill;
Each jubilant chord
Was chattered and cooed,
And snorted and snored:
The cows’ mooey mood
Re-echoed around.
The goat then, unfloored,
Made humans give sound.
Oh praise ye the Lord!