by Nicole Caruso Garcia

back-to-school shopping
mom in the next fitting room
explains camel-toe

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Midlife health test: the 9 ways to check your brain and fitness”
—The Times

You know that you’re approaching middle age
When articles like this jump out at you,
And rather than just laugh and turn the page
You see how many pushups you can do.

by Clyde Always

“Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin delivered an emotional speech… touting her job
performance and defending her right to have a private life after leaked videos showed
the leader dancing and partying wildly.”
—New York Post

Dauntlessly, Flauntlessly,
Marin, Prime Minister,
faced her detractors and
never lost heart.

Want to eradicate
phallocentricity?
Take a good look at the
Finnish, to start…

by Steven Kent

“Republican says comment Garland should be executed was ‘facetious'”
—The Guardian

Geez, everybody now is way too woke.
I simply said “Hey, let’s assassinate
The AG for his crimes against the State.”
It’s like you people just can’t take a joke!

And yes, because I’m sure you’ve heard the rumor,
I really claimed that Hitler is “the kind
Of leader we sure need today.” I find
(Again!) that no one gets my sense of humor.

by Philip Kitcher

“Conservative leadership race is making some Tories miss Boris Johnson”
—The Washington Post

“A pox on the vultures who squawked at my doom!
They’re foiled of their prey as I rise from the tomb.
The people declare they don’t want to change course.
I’m back from the dead—thanks to buyers’ remorse.

The nation’s discovered an absence of fizz
in Rishi and Tom, Kemi, Penny, and Liz.
I’ll turn on the charm—there’s no need to use force—
my future’s assured—thanks to buyers’ remorse.

The party is learning what voters all know:
the corpse is laid out with its entrails on show.
When members come begging, I’ll laugh myself hoarse,
regaining my throne—thanks to buyers’ remorse.”

by Alex Steelsmith

“One pig captured, three remain on the loose”
—UPI

“One wolf still missing after ‘suspicious’ escape”
—UPI

Piggily wiggily
porcine adventurers
ought to return to their
usual digs.

Wolf on the loose! It is
un-serendipitous.
someone should caution the
three little pigs.

by Barbara Lydecker Crane

“As [Pirates infielder] Rodolfo Castro slid into third base,
his phone shot out of his pocket. He has appealed his
suspension for violating M.L.B.’s electronic device policy.”
—The New York Times

I try to be a patient son
each time Ma rings me on the phone.
This time I said, “I gotta run!
I’ll call you back when I get home.”

by Stephen Gold

“Lawyers with brain chip implants will be better, faster and cheaper”
—The Times

When matters judicial arise,
It may come as a nasty surprise
To discover one’s brain
Is a source of disdain,
And is far from its optimum size.

For a lawyer who isn’t bionic
Will be cruelly dismissed as moronic.
We shall live in an age
Where one cannot be sage
If one’s noggin is not electronic.

With this chip, I shall reason with ease,
And concoct irresistible pleas.
Though it won’t stop my clients
Exuding defiance
When computing the size of my fees!

by Steve Bremner

“CDC, under fire, lays out plan to become more nimble and accountable.
‘In our big moment, our performance did not reliably meet expectations,’
[Director Rochelle] Walensky acknowledges.”
—The Washington Post

Daringly caringly
Madam Director vows
Action, agility,
Timeliness too,

Closing the stable door
Hyperaccountably.
Shame that the horse is now
Dog food and glue.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Salman Rushdie ‘on the road to recovery’…”
—AP

We welcome the news about
Rushdie’s recovery;
feeling relieved, we
collectively sigh.

He was rushed by the suspect
and rushed to the doctor,
but Rushdie’s alive, and in
no rush to die.

by Scot Slaby

“Seven people experiencing homelessness were given HK$101.10 in compensation from the government
for tossing away their bedding, clothing and other personal belongings during a cleaning
and anti-crime operation at Tung Chau Street Park in December 2019.”
—Hong Kong Free Press

We’re sorry we snatched your belongings
and deprived you of blankets and tents.
We’re sorry we took precious keepsakes.
Here’s $12.88.

by Pat D’Amico

“Balenciaga is selling an $1800 trash bag that ‘looks exactly like a Hefty bag
you’d use in your kitchen'”
—Business Insider

Balenciaga sells a bag
That costs almost two K
For ladies of the upper crust
To carry and display.
Designer duds inform the world
Of monetary health.
What better way to loudly say,
“I have disposable wealth.”

—The New York Times

by Steven Kent

The grass is always greener, someone said,
But now we know that Graz is really Red.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Love is telling your partner what an awful day you’ve had:
Study finds moaning to your significant other can bring you both closer”
—Daily Mail

If I’d a mate who, while we both undressed,
Would listen to me whining like a cur,
I might not feel so buttoned-up and stressed.
But then I’d have to do the same for her—
And that would leave me even more depressed.

I’m far too mean to share another’s woe.
I need a mate with patience by the ton
Who never moans because she’s never low.
So basically I’m looking for a nun
Who’s permanently blissed from smoking blow.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Hail Mary! Statue’s trip down the Wye raises chicken pollution issue”
—The Guardian

Along the River Wye, we wonder why
We see a strange contraption move downstream:
A statue on canoes is paddled by
Riparian enthusiasts, who seem
Encouraged by attention they have won
Nearby. But why? The Belmont Abbey choir
Erupts in plainsong when those gents are done,
Suggesting that their goal is to acquire
Some faithful … Yet, it’s not to fill the pews:
Our Lady of the Waters and the Wye
Floats down a Wye chock-full of chicken poos,
Which calls for ruffling feathers perched on high.
You can’t raise Wye awareness till you plot
Events that look quite bonkers but … are not?