by Ashley Grice
The bird’s loud, klutzy rooftop slide
bared Mother Nature’s awkward side.
Black eyes locked on my startled stare,
her wings a blur in frigid air.
She hit the deck with claws splayed wide,
hawkish chagrin, and wounded pride,
then opted for a quick ascent
to fly off her embarrassment.
She circled once, stared straight ahead:
I wonder if her cheeks were red.
by Steve Bremner
“The CDC Is Investigating a Salmonella Outbreak Linked to Pet Bearded Dragons …
To stay safe, don’t ‘kiss or snuggle’ your reptilian friends, the CDC says.
If you have a bearded dragon… don’t eat around it, don’t let it in the kitchen,
and always wash your hands with soap and water after touching it.”
—MSN
(with apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary)
Buck the Bearded Dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the kitchen just to spite the CDC.
Little Jackie kissed him (he loved his Buck a lot),
Then made himself a sandwich, and spent six days on the pot.
Oh, Jackie gave his dragon to a reptile stan,
Deciding that he’d come of age: This boy was now a man!
When his fever ended and all the cramps were gone
He went and kissed a real live girl, and—bingo!—Omicron.
by Chris O’Carroll
Pols in Texas say they’re ready
For the cold that’s coming soon,
So we can assume Ted Cruz has
Booked his tickets to Cancún.
by Julia Griffin
“A part-owner of the Golden State Warriors has backtracked after saying that ‘nobody cares’
about the human rights abuses suffered by the Uyghur people at the hands of Chinese
authorities. Chamath Palihapitiya, a billionaire venture capitalist, posted a clarification of his
comments to Twitter on Wednesday. ‘I recognize that I came across as lacking empathy…'”
—The Guardian
Nobody cares. Of course it’s sad,
But that’s the world we’ve always had.
Unless the market starts to bounce,
Do not pretend you care an ounce:
Our hearts, I fear, are iron-clad.
Apparently this truth looks bad,
But note: I haven’t said I’m glad,
And please reflect, before you pounce:
Nobody cares.
We shrug, like any undergrad
Who’s skimming through The Iliad:
So , Trojans die (in large amounts)—
And they, at least, we can pronounce!
I’ll say I’m sorry, sure, but add:
Nobody cares.
by Paul Lander
Tucker Carlson‘s so
Far up Putin’s butt, he sees
Sarah Palin’s house.
by Dan Campion
“Why are U.S. airlines concerned about 5G?
—PBS
“Controlled flight into terrain”
—Aviation jargon for “an accident in which an airworthy aircraft, under pilot control, is
unintentionally flown into the ground, a mountain, a body of water or an obstacle”
The FCC could not agree
Entirely with the FAA
On how to implement 5G.
The airlines fear wavelengths may stray
So 5G just might interfere
(Unlikely, but no guarantee)
With Flight XY’s altimeter.
Who’ll take the 1st test flight? Not me.
by Stephen Gold
“Phoenix Group [a British insurance company]… has banned the words ‘energetic’ and ‘enthusiastic’
from its job adverts because it says they deter older applicants.”
—The Times
Are you enthusiastic,
With an ever-wagging tail?
Is your energy fantastic?
Does your spirit never fail?
Are you hot on innovation,
Laser-focused on the new?
From your sparks of inspiration,
Does a mighty blaze ensue?
Is your heart suffused with passion?
Does ambition spit and smolder?
We’re afraid you’re out of fashion,
But do call us when you’re older.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Wandering seal leads police on slow-speed chase to law firm in England.”
—UPI
Slippery, flippery
innocent sea creatures
somehow, when followed by
cops, understand
where they should flee to for
jurisprudentially
getting advice on the
law of the land.
by Steven Kent
“Mike Pence Equates Voting Rights Protections With Capitol Attack”
—The Guardian
I nearly lost my life that day, but now I’m here to tell you:
Democracy has limits; we will set them.
Those patriots who tried to hang me? Hey, I think they’re swell; you
Should just forgive (although do not forget) them.
Some say we should protect the vote—it’s heresy! The reason?
Americans, by birth, are not all brothers.
Elections aren’t for everyone (we say so, but we’re teasin’).
“All men are equal”? Some more so than others!
by Julia Griffin
“[W]hat do you do with an invasive army of crayfish clones? … [They] may offer a sustainable food source…”
—The Guardian
But for those who keep kosher,
What’s gaucher?
The clones of a crayfish
Are treyf-ish.
by Nora Jay
“Chinese woman stuck in blind date’s house by sudden Covid lockdown …
‘I’m getting old now, my family introduced me to 10 matches,’ she said in a video on [the social network Weibo].
‘The fifth date wanted to show off his cooking skills and invited me over to his house for dinner. …
‘During quarantine, I feel that apart from him being reticent like a wooden mannequin,
everything else about him is pretty good. He cooks, cleans the house and works. Although his cooking isn’t very good,
he’s still willing to spend time in the kitchen, I think that’s great,” she told The Paper.
In Wang’s videos, her date is seen serving stir-fry meals such as tomato and scrambled eggs—a popular dish in China.”
—CNN
Her posts entranced the Weibo gang:
But, trust me, where she’s hosted
We’ll find Ms. Would-Be-Wifey Wang
Less toasted and more roasted.
Though socially, it seems, the dregs,
Her host, once marriage-minded,
Now snarls into his rosy eggs,
Updated and unblinded.
“For days I’ve filled and washed your plate:
You’re greedy and you’re mucky.
You say I’m silent; let me state
That you, therein, are lucky.
“I’ve better ways to spend my day
Than slaving in this kitchen.
Henceforth it’s yours to blanch, sauté,
Or be a Weibo snitch in.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Expect more worrisome variants after omicron… Get ready to learn more Greek letters.”
—AP
Epsilon, omicron,
worrisome variants
teach us Greek letters, re-
ports the AP.
Why are we using these
abecedarian
non-English labels? It’s
all Greek to me.
by Nicole Caruso Garcia
It wasn’t always a taboo,
But now is cause for shame.
And oh, you know the thing I mean,
And oh, it has a name.
Our kinks should be addressed—why not?
My husband didn’t mind,
Whether I was all alone
Or we were intertwined.
I’d like to praise it openly;
It’s healthy, not exotic.
In my defense, it didn’t use to
Be unpatriotic.
Invented by a clown of theirs,
It made right-wingers cheer.
(My friends are libs and libertines;
It’s their rebuke I fear.)
My money in the pockets of
That mustached wacko guy,
I cringe to think we nearly kissed
Democracy goodbye.
So rest assured, I feel some guilt
About this peccadillo.
I don’t know how I sleep at night
On Mike Lindell’s MyPillow®.
by Clyde Always
“Queen Elizabeth strips Prince Andrew of royal and military titles… after a Manhattan judge
allowed the sexual assault lawsuit against the disgraced royal to move forward.”
—New York Post
Because his former title proved
to be too great an onus,
hereafter shall the Duke of York
be called “His Sleazy Lowness.”
by Julia Griffin
“A badger gets credit for finding Roman coins in a cave in northern Spain”
—NPR
While badgers’ tastes are various,
They sniff at the denarius,
Though nobody can well prevent ’em
From hoarding aurum et argentum.
For larger coins, they’re really cadgers:
Indeed, you’ll seldom witness badgers
As jubilantly dirty as
When snouting a sestertius.