… “The oysters, which act as nonstop water filters, were added to the Hudson River
as part of an ongoing project to rehabilitate the polluted waterways around the city.” —The New York Times
Oysters are coming back Ta ta
but don’t reach for your fork.
It’s good for us and good for them
and good for Old New York!
Yet, you will have to wait a bit
if you’re a Gent of Taste,
since they’ve absorbed some “centuries’ worth”
of sewage, trash, and waste.
Still, do not fret. We clever chaps
find means to serve our ends.
You need not eat. Just throw a bash
and serve them to your friends.
Then read the headlines in the Times.
They love to print a scoop.
Imagine! Would-Be Swells and Toffs Join Oysters in the Soup.
“How a Cream Cheese Shortage Is Impacting NYC Bagel Shops” —The New York Times
Oy veh! Vey ist mir!
A shortage of schmear!
I’m feeling verklempt;
My bagel’s unkempt;
What sort of schlemiel
Takes this as a meal?
Can nothing be safe?
This lox is now treyf.
“Camels ejected from beauty contest over Botox use and other ‘tampering'” —CNN
If you own a dromedary,
long of neck and not too hairy
that possesses sexy eyes,
it might win a pricy prize:
Millions for a camel beauty
judges deem a hot patootie
worthy of Abdulaziz.
But beware their expertise!
Turquoise eyes? I’ll lose my senses! Freak of nature? Contact lenses! Such long lashes! How they coil! Lash extensions? Castor oil? Check these ballet legs, what killers! Have they been enhanced by fillers? And that rump! Just too delicious? Bootyliciously suspicious?
Don’t put lipstick on your camel
or resort to nail enamel,
hormones, silicone or stretching
to make stiffened limbs more fetching.
Only fools dream they’ll outfox
wily experts with Botox.
They are rarely ever stumped. Kiss of death! Were those lips plumped?
“Better.com CEO apologizes after laying off 900 employees via Zoom call” —Reuters
The “better” way is really “best”
When market movements say divest:
Don’t sit (so awkward!) in a room
With stiffs recruited in a boom—
Just disconnect their link to Zoom.
(A dot-com CEO is wise,
Pro forma, to apologize.)
“The army will be awarding Purple Hearts to 39 soldiers who were injured in January of 2020 when Iran struck their airbase in Iraq. … Injured soldiers told CBS that they were pressured to downplay the extent of their injuries as to not undercut public comments that former President Trump had made about the incident. Trump had described the injuries as ‘not very serious.'” —The Hill
The Purple Hearts
Were from the start
Well-earned in the attack,
But for his part
The Knave of Hearts
Gave no award for that.
He called wounds ruses
And bumps and bruises
And said all kinds of crap,
But this same knave
Found rioters brave,
So he can shut his trap.
“Usage of the medication sildenafil—better known to most as the brand-name drug Viagra— is associated with dramatically reduced incidence of Alzheimer’s disease, new research suggests.” —ScienceAlert.com
The drug that fosters your erection
May also offer you protection
Against dementia. Anti-droopy
Pills seem likewise anti-loopy.
Take a dose, get hard in bed,
And ward off softness in the head.
“Starbucks workers in Buffalo won a pathbreaking bid to form a union after votes were counted on Thursday, part of a wave of labor activism sweeping the country in the wake of the pandemic.” —The Washington Post
So they’re part of the union, and I have a dream
That these silently suffering staff,
On receiving an order for a venti salted caramel mocha frappucino with five pumps of frap roast, four pumps of caramel sauce, four pumps of caramel syrup, three pumps of mocha, three pumps of toffee nut syrup, double blended with extra whipped cream,
Will at last be permitted to laugh.
“British Airways looks to recycled cooking oil fuel to cut jet emissions” —The Guardian
Attention folks, this is your captain speaking:
I know a few of you might have concerns
About the smell you think is oil leaking;
Don’t worry, folks, that’s just the way it burns.
We’ll make the friendly skies a whole lot greener;
We’re trying to do a whole new kind of thing
By finding fuels that drive our engines cleaner
At Wendy’s, Waffle House, and Burger King.
“Rep. Thomas Massie said Monday he’ll never delete the controversial photo he posted over the
weekend of him and his family holding guns in front of a Christmas tree…. ‘I crossed guns with family
and Christmas, and those are three things that really could trigger the leftists, and I didn’t realize
that it would be such an explosive cocktail when you put it together. But it adds up to freedom.'” —Louisville Courier Journal
Those leftists! Pardon while I snigger:
I didn’t know that guns would trigger;
I never worry, when I load,
If something’s going to explode.
But as I grin before my tree,
Three things are adding up for me:
Guns, Christmas, and the GOP.
That’s what makes high schools truly free.
“In northern Denmark, an IKEA showroom turned into a vast bedroom. Six customers and about two
dozen employees were stranded by a snowstorm and spent the night in the store, sleeping in the
beds that are usually on show.” —Associated Press
Whose store this is we surely know;
Head office is in Stockholm, though.
They will not mind us staying here
As all the roads fill up with snow.
With suppertime now drawing near
We have provisions for good cheer,
E.g., a lingonberry shake
With Swedish meatballs and a beer.
And after dinner we can take
A showroom bed—no need to make
This furniture, no need to keep
That tool to fix some dumb mistake.
The beds, it’s true, are kind of cheap;
But dreams of doing this run deep,
And where else would we rather sleep?
There’s nowhere else we’d rather sleep.
A circumstance of literary form: Guests, by default, but strangers, as it seems, Are stranded all together by a storm. The setting is a pub. What cozy memes Hover around! The guests are named and classed: Avuncular professors, comic cooks, Curt officers, smooth vicars (with a past?), Haughty grande dames and blondes with pin-up looks Regard each other warily, converse In character, accept the landlord’s brew, Steaming with coziness. “It could be worse,” They sigh. This soon turns out to be untrue. Is anyone in charge? Can no one spot Elimination coming? What’s the plot?
“Body mass is generally a good predictor of bird dominance, but woodpeckers dominate even some birds that outweigh them. “They punch above their weight because they spend their lives
hammering on trees,” [ornithologist Eliot] Miller said.” —The Washington Post
I punch above my weight. Rat tat Rat tat Rat tat
You wanna meet your fate?
I punch above my weight.
It’s gonna be too late
Once you discover that.
I punch above my weight. Rat tat Rat tat Rat tat
C’mon, Bro. Make my day.
Come test me. Show your stuff.
I’ve heard that crap you say.
C’mon, Bro. Make my day.
Enough with that display.
I hear you’re pretty tough.
C’mon, Bro. Make my day.
Come test me. Show your stuff.
Come test me. Do your worst.
We’ll see who gets the seed.
So what who got here first?
Come test me. Do your worst.
That order’s now reversed.
It doesn’t go by need.
Come test me. Do your worst.
We’ll see who gets the seed.
