by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Panicking Putin ‘calls up OBESE 280lbs retired general, 67, to lead forces in Ukraine’
after ‘most of his best and battle-hardened senior commanders are killed’ in war”
—Daily Mail

Plump Russian soldiers who are long retired
And drink a quart of vodka every day
Now may, by Putin’s order, be required—
In huge fatigues—to head back to the fray.
Commanders of the Russians in Ukraine
Keep getting killed, or proving that they are
Inept, and getting fired from Vlad’s campaign—
Neurotic panic seems to grip this tsar.
Girth once considered far too large to fight
Protrudes from General Pavel to afford
Ukrainians an easy target site
That Putin surely couldn’t have ignored
In drafting him. What gives? … This guy will show
No stomach for the fight when told to go!

by Alex Steelsmith

“A flight attendant has claimed staff often have no clue whatsoever
when passengers ask them whereabouts they are when up in the air
and says they will usually just make stuff up.”
—Mirror

Whereabouts, thereabouts,
curious passengers
wondering, “Where are we
now?” should beware,

even if answered with
geo-coordinates:
really the answer is
up in the air.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“The science of sleep: Why so many of us get it all wrong”
—The Observer

The secret of a really good night’s sleep
Is learning how to clear your mind of clutter.
Try meditation, reading, counting sheep,
Hypnosis, self-massage or getting guttered.

Or sex. So good, it’s almost a specific
For purging you of mental flot- and jetsam.
Though sex for me is not a soporific—
I lie awake and wonder how to get some.

by Stephen Gold

“Trials halted by barrister walkout over low pay for criminal defence”
—The Times

Justice delayed is justice denied.
Though you know we would love to be right by your side,
Be you murderer, fraudster, molester or thief,
It’s courting starvation to take on your brief.

We’re pissed at perennial poorly-paid gigs,
So what’s to be done? We’re all scratching our wigs.
But here’s one career that will keep us well fed:
We’re going to retrain as baristas instead.

by Steve Bremner

“A ‘Tidal Wave’ In Psychology:… Studies suggest psilocybin [the psychedelic drug in “magic mushrooms”]
may be able to treat depression, PTSD, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and substance use disorder,
among others.”
—Pennsylvania Capital-Star

Abstinence, schmabstinence?
Persons Anonymous
Schlepping the Twelve-Step are
Plunged into doubt.

Maybe recovery’s
Pharmacological?
Better to turn on, tune
In, and drop out?

by Steven Kent

“The 1977 White House climate memo that should have changed the world”
—The Guardian

For this warning we thank you; it’s nice.
Rest assured, you won’t have to warn twice.
Oh, act now? Nah, the clime
Gives us plenty of time.
Down the road, though, we’ll take your advice.

by Clyde Always

“Hong Kong’s iconic giant floating restaurant capsizes in South China Sea”
—USA Today

A nautical eatery
sank to its grave
when rescuers found it too
flooded to save.

I bet it was cursed by a
slip of the lip
(some waitress had prayed for a
newsworthy tip).

by Dan Campion

“Republicans lash out against Senate gun bill and each other”
—The Hill

Rejoice this gang is “lashing out,”
Not meeting at high noon
And snarling, “Draw, you dirty lout!”
In front of some saloon;

We must, I think, point up the best
In every situation.
No need to wear a Kevlar vest!
Just salve for irritation.

by Philip Kitcher

Republicans, we must assume
Espouse an odd belief:
Life’s sacred only in the womb
God’s interest is brief.

by Chris O’Carroll

“U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene… posted on her Twitter page that she plans to introduce
‘a bill to make it illegal for children to be exposed to Drag Queen performances’…”
—Dallas Observer

Some things are just not fit for children’s eyes;
To save them from a pro-gay leftist plot,
We must make sure they never look at guys
Like Jack and Tony in Some Like It Hot.
Dame Edna, Tyler Perry, Milton Berle—
All walk the wigged and padded road to Hell,
And Giuliani dresses like a girl
To groom kids with a skit on SNL.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“How to dress sexy in your 50s”
—The Daily Telegraph

When I was in my teens and early twenties
I did wear clothes intended to reveal.
But now that I have hit my middle fifties
I’m flattered more by fashions that conceal.

And anyway, the women that I go for
Are not impressed by rock-hard buns or abs.
Though some can have their heads turned by a six-pack—
It’s why I use transparent shopping bags.

by Julia Griffin

“Mites that mate on our faces at night face extinction threat”
—The Guardian

These mites
Most nights
Have dates
With mates
On skin
We’re in
And yet
Face threat
While we
Threat-free
Face their
Derrières.

by Jerome Betts

In the Tiverton and Honiton parliamentary by-election on June 23, the Liberal Democrats overturned
a huge Tory majority. The election was held after the resignation of the constituency’s Conservative MP
who began searching his smartphone in the House of Commons for information about tractors, but
strayed into more stimulating country matters.

In the chamber whose benches are green
Avoid watching porn on your screen.
Its public detection
May cause an . . . election
So a Lib Dem then sits where you’ve been.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Lucky rabbit survives 40-mile ride in car grille”
—BBC News

A rabbit on a grassy highway plans
Grand feasts—not being severed from its ma,
Released with just a carrot in some man’s
Idea of a wooded Shangri-La
Long after jamming through his grille and hence
Left bloody-nosed within a distant strange
Environment. So when this man sees sense,
Decides the rabbit needs its old home range,
Retrieves a box—like one some poachers use—
And tries recapture, there is no surprise:
Believing it is destined to make stews,
Before the man can pounce, the rabbit flies …
If you got grilled but didn’t cook your goose,
Then you don’t trust the griller—you vamoose!

by Bruce Bennett

“Amazon plans to let people turn their dead loved ones’ voices into digital assistants,
with the company promising the ability to ‘make the memories last’.”
—The Guardian

I know you’re dead, but tell me, Dear,
that you are glad I called you here.
I’m needing—craving!—the sensation
that we’re still having conversation.

It’s wonderful to know that we
can talk and talk incessantly,
but that I can, should that get rough,
just state, “Alexa, that’s enough!”