by Steven Kent

“The housing community that will require ‘patriots’ to fly the US flag”
—The Guardian

We built a ‘burb where patriots will be
Required by law to demonstrate they’re free.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Police were called about strands of hair hanging out of a woman’s trunk,
assuming it was a body. Turns out, it was her wig…”
—Insider

Worriedly, hurriedly,
dutiful officers
might pull you over for
wigs on display.

Try not to dangle them
unconscientiously;
tucking them in is a
small price toupee.

by Geoffrey Basking

“A tech firm and a university in Tokyo have teamed up to produce an app trained on thousands of cat photos
that they say can tell you when your pet is in pain. … [The firm and university gathered] 6,000 cat photos,
in which they carefully studied the positions of the animals’ ears, noses, whiskers and eyelids. They then used
a scoring system designed by the University of Montreal to measure minute differences between healthy cats
and those suffering pain due to hard-to-spot illnesses. Now the app ‘has an accuracy level of more than 90%’…”
—The Japan Times

When your cat is aching,
When your cat’s just low,
Trust the epoch-making
Minds of Tokyo

And of Montreal.
Their rare expertise
Appertains to all
Feline maladies.

Modestly submit:
Offer up a pic
Of your cherished kit;
Learn how it is sick

From a narrowed pupil
Or a furrowed brow,
Proof, beyond all scruple:
Not some mere MIAOW!!!

by Marshall Begel

“A funeral firm is … offering custom-made coffins, which includes a casket designed like a Greggs sausage roll.”
—Sky News

To be endlessly admired
Even after you’ve expired
There’s a place, you might have heard,
Where they craft the box interred.

Cobblers might select a boot.
Astronauts, their NASA suit.
Backyard grills might please a cook.
Poets may prefer a book.

As for me, I can’t deny
Where I’m heading when I die.
So I’ll choose to make my casket
Woven like a hand-held basket.

by Ruth S. Baker

“South Koreans get younger as traditional age system dropped…
‘It feels good,’ said Lee, a Seoul-based housewife.”
—The Japan Times

This makes them two years younger? How absurd
To give such value to the written word!
(Though shopping somehow gratifies me more
Since what was once Size 10 became Size 4.)

by Julia Griffin

After Irving Berlin

In the Duma, they keep dumb (so would you) but
They mutely hum that best of hits:
Putin on the Fritz.
Like some latter-day Count Fosco,
Bad Prigozhin aims at Moscow: Fortune quits
Putin on the Fritz.

Dressed up like a billionaire contractor,
Trying not to look a real bad actor (malefactor),
Acts like he’s the big defence key,
Till Volodomyr Zelenskiy dreams he’ll blitz
Putin on the Fritz.

If you’re Pu and the days bring nasty news in,
Why don’t you sing a song that fits?
Putin on the Fritz
Putin on the Fritz
Putin on the Fritz …

by Chris O’Carroll

“The far-right US congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
appeared to say she thinks she is being spied on through
her television, possibly by the US government, and that
someone may soon try to kill her. In a tweet on Sunday,
the Republican from Georgia said: ‘Last night in my DC residence,
the television turned on by itself and the screen showed someone’s
laptop trying to connect to the TV.’”
—The Guardian

Now MTG says her TV
Surveils her surreptitiously.
What explanation could there be
Except left-wing conspiracy
Against the life of MTG?
(Obama did it, probably.)
Stay tuned for live-streamed lunacy.

by Julia Griffin

For Mary, with apologies

“Police officers jail their toddler for struggling with potty training”
—The Washington Post

Back to the wall, kid! Drop that plushie now!
Stop! Is that diaper loaded? Can those sobs:
We’ve heard it all before. You’re booked, and how.
Doin’ our jobs, just here to do our jobs.
Cuffs not your size? Put both hands in. Too tight?
You shoulda thoughta that before your goof.
You wanna lawyer? Sure, you’ve got the right,
But trouble is, kid, we got all the proof.
This is one habit you’d be smart to quit.
Cops in the FPD don’t take no shit.

by Laura J. Bobrow

“Dolphins use baby talk when communicating with calves, study finds”
—CBS News

What is she saying, do you suppose?
This is your tummy. Where is your nose?
Don’t be afraid of the humans out there.
You’re certain to see them when you go for air.
You’re my dear little snookums. Oh yes. Yes you are.
Go swim with the calves, but don’t wander too far.
Stay right by my side while I whistle and squawk
and teach you the grammar of bottlenose talk.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A bear broke into a Colorado [resident’s home while he was away] and feasted on pork chops…”
—UPI

Furious
homeowner
notifies
cops:

Curious
burglar is
licking his
chops.

by Eddie Aderne

“Outcry after tourist carves name on wall at the Colosseum in Rome
Italy’s culture minister has called for the man who defaced the site
with ‘Ivan+Hayley 23’ to be identified and prosecuted”
—The Guardian

Ivan + Hayley 23
Has raised an outcry; not from me.
The marks unseen are those I shun:
Lion + Christian = 1.

by Iris Herriot

“Harlan Crow on collision course with Senate over Clarence Thomas gifts”
—The Guardian

“’It would be absurd to me to talk to Justice Thomas about supreme court cases,
because that’s not my world,’ Crow said, adding: ‘We talk about life. We’re two guys
who are the same age and grew up in the same era. We share a love of Motown.’”
—The Guardian

Harlan Crow
And Justice Thomas:
Where Did Your Love Go?
What did you promise?
Senator Wyden
Wants some proof:
Where’s it hidin’?
Up the Ladder to the Roof?
In Bad Weather,
Dems slangin’ On,
Are you together,
Still Hangin’ On?
Stop! In the Name
Of Love, or Law:
You’re Livin’ in Shame!
Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah.

by Bruce Bennett

“That doughy disc with delectable toppings seen in a 2,000-year-old painting
is not a pizza, experts insist.”
—The New York Times

This “proto-pizza” may not be
the kind preferred by you and me,

But one thing it for sure is not
(although it was at one point): hot.

by Clyde Always

“Handbag ‘smaller than a grain of salt’ sells for over $63,000”
—CNN

Tersity-pursity,
Big Apple artisans
crafted a miniscule
Louis Vuitton.

One who is holding this
infinitesimal
bag might articulate:
“Dammit, it’s gone!”

by Julia Griffin

“Square where Julius Caesar was killed will open to public in Rome
Tourists in the city will be able to examine the spot where the Roman dictator
was said to have been murdered … [The area is] also home to a sanctuary for stray cats.”
—The Guardian

Guests, tourists, foreigners: direct your phones
Towards these planks where buried Caesar bled.
This walkway rests upon his hallowed bones
(Or would, had Rome not burned them up instead).
We come, in any case, to praise, not bury:
He was well worth those euros you have paid;
You can, if you’re imaginative (very),
See what a rent the envious Casca made!
And please remember Cassius, that traitor:
And “honourable” Brutus, what a snake—
I’m sorry, no, there is no elevator,
But look, before we take a bathroom break:
Here was a photo opp! You’re surely smitten;
And if you’re bored with Caesar, here’s a kitten.